I admit. Since Boston, things have been a bit blurry. I haven't thought about or addressed as much about Boston as I know I have within me. Lots of thoughts around this experience....my weeks leading up to Boston, the weekend, the bombings, the moments after the bombings, the news reports, etc. I do know that my heart hurts to think about it all. My words the other day:
My heart is hurting for those that are hurting and breaking for broken people. But so full of love and hope for a better tomorrow.
After the news that the second bomber was caught, there was such a variety of responses from people. We are all entitled to our own reactions. For me, it was a very sober one:
Ah, it just isn't that simple. Celebratory, joyful, cheerful..these emotions aren't even close to how I feel right now. This isn't a movie or a sporting event. So much more of a sober feeling for me. Catching one person that we can punish or persecute is only part of this problem that reaches all of humanity. So many human hearts involved here...all of them. The victims on Monday, everyone that was in Boston on that day, the parents of the bombers, the bombers themselves...it's not that simple. But it's a start. Focusing on love and healing for Boston. For all of us.
I'm still a mixed bag of emotions. Every story I read about the people who were part of this day has an impact on me. So many stories of resilience and hope. Inspiration. And many that are heartbreaking. I'm staying away from the news though. This doesn't help me right now. My kids don't know about what happened (we chose not to tell them) so having the news reports is no good anyway. My grandma told me a bit about what was going on. When she told me that the bomber's dad was flying in from Russia to be with him, my hurt hurt even more. I cried. Again, broken people. Compassion for all involved. That dad...I don't know his story. I don't know his heart but I do know the love we have for our children.
Letting go of:
- trying too hard to be in control
- feeling like everything has to be in "settled" mode. Moving across the country for a little over a year just for an adventure isn't about feeling "settled". It's about adventure. And with that will come a bit of feeling unsettled. That's what I wanted so here we go...let's enjoy the ride Amanda!
Letting go of these things is so much easier said than done. Worry. Panic. Fear. These aren't things we plan for. They aren't things that we can always just turn off and on. And having them in our life doesn't mean we aren't happy or living the life we want to live. They are just part of the human psyche sometimes. Especially with people who like to be in CONTROL. Um, me. What I can do to help keep myself calm and take control of myself (body, mind, spirit) is to be conscious of focusing on the things that are adding to my self battery and then do more of these things so that I can stay positively charged.
So here are some things I'm focusing on:
- Spending time with myself...journaling, reflecting, breathing, talking, checking in.
- Reminding myself that "All is Well".
- Breathing and meditation to help with relaxation when things feel stressful.
- Being a tourist...really taking time to enjoy this North Carolina trip to the FULLEST. Checking out all I can and trying to get a taste of everything I can...restaurants, breweries, art galleries, coffee shops, the coast, trails, running groups, social gatherings, etc. etc.
- Continuing to list gratitude daily.
- When things do get scary for me and I find myself being overcome with worry, thinking too much about Boston, dwelling on the feelings of being a little out of control, remind myself that this is part of life and try to be conscious of giving up the things I listed above. Even if I have to write down some of my fears on strips of paper and physically rip them up...These things work for me!
- Allowing myself to just be still right now and truly be where I am RIGHT NOW. Today that means taking a break from running, eating healthy, spending time with writing and more peaceful/quiet forms of exercise. And when I do start running again....
- Just run. No training or specific goals. Just run.
- Continue loving each day that I have in this city that I absolutely LOVE. Gosh, I love it here. Did I say I love it?
|Taking time for journal writing, reading, and meditation today was just what I needed. Thanks to my friend AM for a great book to help with the relaxation and meditation.|