I have to admit...I really don't know quite where I'm heading with this post but it is one of those nights that I'm just feeling the need to clear my head and refocus. I've found that usually it is the times that I really listen to my heart and write when I'm feeling this way, some kind of truth comes out and I'm able to clear my head and refocus on what is important. This is for me. But sometimes, as I've seen in the past with this blog, when I am really writing from my heart and writing to process my thoughts, things come out that others might need to hear too.
This isn't a blog to talk about some trendy topic in the running world or a post intended to inspire mothers with some parenting idea that is relevant to most moms out there. I'm not here to ask you for your vote or to get you to share your advice on what kind of shirt I should race in on Saturday. I'm just here to process.
The past few days have been really odd for me. As far as running goes, I've been feeling spot on! I've felt excited and optimistic about my marathon on Saturday. And even though I'm getting a cold and not sleeping the best, I'm still feeling positive and eager to race. But something is missing. My mind has been elsewhere...
I've been absent as a mom. Giving only half my attention and wasting the rest of it on things of little importance in the big picture of life. I've been a lousy wife when it comes to being thoughtful and giving my time and attention and I've found myself obsessing and spending way too much time thinking about something so very very silly. I can't believe I'm even writing about this really because once I snapped out of it tonight and realized just how silly I've been being, I was instantly embarrassed. But the reason I am sharing and making myself vulnerable to you, is because I can bet that I'm certainly not the only person out there who can
OBSESSIVE about things!
the things we are obsessing about
ARE. NOT. IMPORTANT!
Obsessive thinking, dwelling on things or getting caught up or fixated on one thing (tunnel vision) has been something I've found myself struggle with at many times in my life. Not always. But if I'm not careful, something can start small with me and grow into something
This can relate to being obsessive about my running, my weight (in my college days), thinking about what others think of me, dwelling on something someone said or replaying a conversation in my head that might have caused me to feel hurt or offended. Even a race that I didn't run well in or a race that I ran well but then thought of all the things I could have done differently. After all of my births, it took me days to stop replaying everything I could have done differently so that my birth experience was more of what I had envisioned or hoped for.
And here I have been obsessing or spending way to much time checking in on a contest that started out serious to me and turned out to be more of a joke
nothing more than a website's way to get people to their site by banking on the fact that people naturally want to self promote.
And even after I admitted to myself how silly it really was and how it really didn't mean much more than getting exposure for my blog, I still found myself checking in many times a day and asking my friends and blog followers for their daily votes. Yes, I am referring to this Circle of Moms thing. But no longer asking for votes or making fun of it and then still asking for votes. Ha!
Here's the deal. This contest has been fun. It has been cool to see how many of my friends have been rallying to support me. It has been cool to receive so many great comments and e-mails from my non-blog friends telling me how they were voting and sharing. I've also gained many new readers and I've found some new blogs that I enjoy reading and that add to my life. I've enjoyed this part and this makes it worth it.
But what is not worth it is the fact that I've thought more about this silly thing than I'd like to admit. But I am admitting it because that's what this post is all about...being real and raw and vulnerable. Instead of mentioning maybe once here and there that I'm in this contest and I'd love your votes, I've found myself thinking about it A LOT! Even after I realized what a joke it was becoming and how it was really just a glorified extension of a high school popularity contest where the class president isn't necessarily the person who is best for the job but the the person who could get the most votes. Isn't this true with many things in life. So, even after I realized the silliness of it and started having fun with it (the Rocks), I still have been finding myself checking in on my votes WAY TOO OFTEN, annoying the heck out of my friends with my hundredth facebook status asking for votes (even if I tried to be more creative about it than just saying "vote"), and finding myself genuinely annoyed at hearing that there were even more "voting tricks" that I didn't know about. So Silly, I know! But I still got sucked in and I'm admitting it to you. All of this in itself is one thing but what has caused me to just need to process tonight is the fact that because of all this silliness....
I've been Missing out on what is really IMPORTANT:
The Life Around Me (off the computer)
My Children---eating breakfast with them, reading stories, playing in the yard....(without stopping to check the damn computer every 10 minutes to see "the campaign stats" I know pathetic! See, I told you I can get obsessive about things. Reminds we of when I was trying to defeat the game Tetris and I couldn't stop playing it for days! I even dreamed Tetris! Okay, so I wasn't that bad with this but bad enough that I MISSED OUT!
And thank Goodness I snapped out of it tonight because I've been missing out on really savoring this last week before my marathon and making sure I'm doing all the great mental work to stay focused on what has been important for the past 24 weeks....
The truth is, I get into these ruts of obsessive thought often enough to where I need to be aware of it. For the most part I am and realize that I can think things too far! So, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that this contest doesn't have its perks and isn't a good way to give some of these great blogs some recognition. In fact, I think there are many great blogs out there on that "List" that deserve your votes. Not because they are "popular" or because they can beg, plead, and be the most convincing but because they are really GOOD blogs that have some inspirational, motivational, humorous, fun material that you like to read. What I am saying is that I have taken this too far. I've thought about it too much and I've let it take over my thinking. And for this I'm embarrassed. And happy to admit and process because I'm feeling
Four Sleeps until my marathon. Two sleeps until we leave for the beach house and have a fun family getaway with our close friends! These things are important. So Bring That!
I'm not expecting tons of comments on this long and personal ramble. In fact, I'll probably delete it before the end of the night. It has already served its purpose and that was to help me process and get control of my thinking and focus on what is IMPORTANT!