Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Letting Go and Finding Peace in Where We Are. Right NOW.

I admit.  Since Boston, things have been a bit blurry. I haven't thought about or addressed as much about Boston as I know I have within me.  Lots of thoughts around this experience....my weeks leading up to Boston, the weekend, the bombings, the moments after the bombings, the news reports, etc. I do know that my heart hurts to think about it all.  My words the other day:

My heart is hurting for those that are hurting and breaking for broken people.  But so full of love and hope for a better tomorrow.  

After the news that the second bomber was caught, there was such a variety of responses from people.  We are all entitled to our own reactions.  For me, it was a very sober one:

Ah, it just isn't that simple.  Celebratory, joyful, cheerful..these emotions aren't even close to how I feel right now.  This isn't a movie or a sporting event.  So much more of a sober feeling for me.  Catching one person that we can punish or persecute is only part of this problem that reaches all of humanity.  So many human hearts involved here...all of them.  The victims on Monday, everyone that was in Boston on that day, the parents of the bombers, the bombers themselves...it's not that simple.  But it's a start.  Focusing on love and healing for Boston. For all of us. 

I'm still a mixed bag of emotions. Every story I read about the people who were part of this day has an impact on me.  So many stories of resilience and hope.  Inspiration.  And many that are heartbreaking.   I'm staying away from the news though.  This doesn't help me right now.  My kids don't know about what happened (we chose not to tell them) so having the news reports is no good anyway. My grandma told me a bit about what was going on.  When she told me that the bomber's dad was flying in from Russia to be with him, my hurt hurt even more.  I cried.  Again, broken people.  Compassion for all involved.  That dad...I don't know his story.  I don't know his heart but I do know the love we have for our children.  

After a bit over a week, I'm starting to come out of the numb that I've felt.  I'm starting to feel more normal.  Peaceful.  And well, just more like me.  After Boston, I think I just kind of went into this weird place where I stuffed a lot and went through the motions for a few days.  I know there are still some mixed feelings and emotions that I haven't addressed but for the most part I'm being conscious of letting go of the things that take away from my personal battery.  I'm making a choice to focus on more of the good things right now and letting go of the things I can't control or that are not worth worrying about.

 Letting go of:

  • worry
  • fear
  • trying too hard to be in control
  • feeling like everything has to be in "settled" mode. Moving across the country for a little over a year just for an adventure isn't about feeling "settled".  It's about adventure.  And with that will come a bit of feeling unsettled.  That's what I wanted so here we go...let's enjoy the ride Amanda!  
Letting go of these things is so much easier said than done.  Worry.  Panic.  Fear.  These aren't things we plan for.  They aren't things that we can always just turn off and on.  And having them in our life doesn't mean we aren't happy or living the life we want to live.  They are just part of the human psyche sometimes.  Especially with people who like to be in CONTROL.  Um, me.  What I can do to help keep myself calm and take control of myself (body, mind, spirit) is to be conscious of focusing on the things that are adding to my self battery and then do more of these things so that I can stay positively charged.  

So here are some things I'm focusing on:
  • Spending time with myself...journaling, reflecting, breathing, talking, checking in.  
  • Reminding myself that "All is Well".  
  • Breathing and meditation to help with relaxation when things feel stressful.
  • Being a tourist...really taking time to enjoy this North Carolina trip to the FULLEST.  Checking out all I can and trying to get a taste of everything I can...restaurants, breweries, art galleries, coffee shops, the coast, trails, running groups, social gatherings, etc. etc.  
  • Continuing to list gratitude daily.  
  • When things do get scary for me and I find myself being overcome with worry, thinking too much about Boston, dwelling on the feelings of being a little out of control, remind myself that this is part of life and try to be conscious of giving up the things I listed above.  Even if I have to write down some of my fears on strips of paper and physically rip them up...These things work for me!  
  • Allowing myself to just be still right now and truly be where I am RIGHT NOW.  Today that means taking a break from running, eating healthy, spending time with writing and more peaceful/quiet forms of exercise.  And when I do start running again....
  • Just run.  No training or specific goals.  Just run.  
  • Continue loving each day that I have in this city that I absolutely LOVE.  Gosh, I love it here.  Did I say I love it?  
Taking time for journal writing, reading, and meditation today was just what I needed.  Thanks to my friend AM for a great book to help with the relaxation and meditation.  


  1. Beautiful post, Amanda! So much for you to process right now. I think your approach sounds really healthy and will get you where you need to be. Big hugs!

  2. Letting go is the hardest thing.. such a process. ((hugs))

  3. I am still trying to organize my thoughts about Boston. I am lucky to be able to do a lot of that through my work - truly happy about that. I had such a great time with you and Jenn. So much more I want to talk about,questions to ask, etc, and it never feels like enough time. Will save it all for Asheville. The post marathon events are a blur. We left on Thursday and am glad Petru was sheltered from the lockdown in most suburbs, and the constant news and hypotheses. Just feeling waves of sadness. I hope that Boston will go back to its real hip and worry free self.

    So glad you like the book. I use a ton of that stuff myself. It works:)

    More later. Miss you (and Waylon too!)

  4. This experience is big. The feelings come and change and you just can't pin it to one emotion. The bomber and his family have been a lot on my mind. Catching him was good, and if he is guilty and confesses even better, but there is so much more to it. When individuals make terrible choices, they are hurting not just their intended target, but their own loved ones.

    You have been a lot on my mind. Hope that you are able to explore and enjoy the time away from running for a little adventure. Would love to know more about your foot pics posted on facebook yesterday, but will wait until your ready to talk about it.
    Love you lots, lady. Sending a virtual hug from sunny SW Oregon today. XO

  5. I always look forward to reading your posts, Amanda, and even more so when I know you are processing things (i.e. Boston) that I also still need to work on processing. Reading your thoughts and the things you are focusing on helps me to direct some of my own time and energy towards healing (both my mind and spirit). I'm a bit of a "pleaser" (huge understatement, it is actually something I need to work on) and I tend to bury deep within me anything that is painful or uncomfortable. So when I read about how much you are doing to take care of yourself, it makes me realize that I need to do that more, too.

    As I mentioned to you the other day, I am wishing so much that you were here right now for a very slow, relaxing and therapeutic trail run together. Whether we were to run in silence or non-stop chatting, I know it would help my soul.

    So, so happy to hear you are loving Asheville!!


  6. Amanda, from the short time I've been reading your blog, I can tell that you are one of those people who genuinely cares about others. Your posts are always so honest and from the heart. I hope that you are able to continue to process everything that happened and enjoy and love every second in your new home and town!!!

  7. I think that spending time allowing yourself to process is one of the best ways to heal after a trauma. Acknowledging it. Acknowledging your emotions. Accepting them and then focusing on beautiful things to layer other emotions on like ointment on a wound.

  8. You seem so in tune to what you need, when you need it. That's a gift. Good for you for doing what you needed during this time for you and your family.

    I too still feel bursting with sadness and, although some wonderfully positive stories are emerging, it doesn't erase the tragedy of that day.

    I wish you and all healing.

  9. I always have a hard time with these complicated situations. It's like when Bin Laden was killed and people posted various sentiments on facebook. It was hard for me to identify with any one emotion: While I was beyond relieved that innocent people were no longer in danger from the man, I could never cheer someone's death! Even knowing he was a terrorist. Same here: it's complicated. I am so sorrowful for those who lost loved ones in the bombing, but it still saddened me to hear their mom insisting they are innocent. So complex, so much sadness all around.

  10. Simple stuff, but it's the simple that most often brings peace.
    When I need a reminder, I open up Phil. 4:8.

    Good post!

  11. Good for you! These kind of events take time to process.


  12. Your posts - I've missed them. So happy to see you where you are - physically and mentally and spiritually. What a couple of weeks this has been but girl - you're here, your kids are good and you are okay. Keep this stuff coming.

    You've been very much on my mind recently - I need to do an Amanda and sit down with my journal to figure out what is going on my mind.

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  14. So much to digest. Good for you to allow yourself time to reflect and process your Boston experience. I cannot even imagine the mixture of emotions you and everyone else who was there is having...definitely an experience that will take time to absorb and understand I am sure. Thank you for sharing with the rest of us.

  15. My reaction to the 2nd bomber was very much like yours- only a small bit of relief, but mostly feeling like it's so much more complicated and that everyone was a little too happy he was caught. In any case, it's something we'll all be healing from for a long time. Thanks for your reminder to take it a moment at a time. I needed to hear that!

  16. I love the title of this post. It is so true Amanda and it is so nice to see others doing and feeling the same as me. You have to let go and be happy within to go through life with a smile on your face.

    Mrs Tickle