"I do love Bend. So much about it...the quality of life, the people, the fact that everything I need is within a 7 mile radius, the extremely fit and healthy population that makes me feel like I'm in some kind of bubble (probably am), the trails, schools, food, neighborhood (kids play the entire day with friends), the house, our backyard...it's great. However, I also think I'm allowed to miss my home in Weaverville/Asheville too. I miss so much tonight: My front porch, the warm mornings and evenings, fireflies, humidity (yes, I miss that too), the walks to the library and around the block to witness breathtaking sunsets over the Blue Ridge mountains, Well Bred bakery, the cute little library, my bench in the nature park, friends, the coming fall where the entire outside world will be a breathtaking display of colors that nothing can quite compare to. I know Bend will become that for me too...it already is. But for now, tonight, I'm feeling some major love for the home in my heart back in North Carolina. Feeling grateful to have lived in some cool places! And wishing I had some sort of secret power where I could be in either place with the snap of my fingers." --My thoughts from a few days ago.
I knew we'd be taking a huge leap of faith in moving all the way across the country for only a year or so but I also knew that it's often these leaps of faith that open some of the most amazing doors in our lives. It certainly opened those doors. It led us to a place I loved more than any other place I've ever lived. And it led to a year or so of incredible growth. It was a safe place for me to work through some things, heal, and find my way to begin this next chapter in my life. Living there gave me a place to start fresh and discover myself and life in ways I never would have otherwise. I'm forever thankful for this time. I'm beyond thankful that we were able to move back to Oregon and settle in Bend. It truly is an incredible place to live. I feel lucky indeed. But, I'm also struggling a little.
Change is hard. Period. It just is. And just because we are living a good life and in a place where people would love to be, it doesn't mean I shouldn't allow myself to feel sad if that's where I'm at with things. The past few days have been hard for me. Although I'm happy and excited to be here, there's also such a big part of me that hurts in saying goodbye to a place that filled me so completely. My heart sang in Asheville. I ache for it. If I close my eyes I can feel myself there again, wrapped in the Blue Ridge Mountains, running on my favorite path around Beaver Lake, and sitting on my front porch watching the fireflies come out. I can feel the warm morning air and see the glorious sunsets that were there for me when I'd head out on my evening runs. I hear the birds that sang morning, noon and night. I can see the large old house across from ours...its craftsman charm and old front porch, smiling at me and telling me I was home. I miss it.
"Gee, Amanda, you're really being a brat. You have trails at your finger tips, a gorgeous house, sunshine, family, mountains...everything you wanted!! There are people with real things to be sad about. There are so many people that can't even afford to travel or buy a house at all and here you are whining about missing a place you were lucky enough to travel to in the first place! Who does that? Moves across the country, travels the east coast, lives a completely different life, and then still gets to move back to a place like Bend, OR. Gee wiz, lady, what's your problem?!"
I know how much I have to be happy about. And I am happy. I know all that I have to be thankful for. And I am thankful. I know all this. I know that there are people going through REAL and BIG and HURTFUL things in life...there are people dying, dealing with serious illness and poverty, war and so so much. Yes, I'm more than sensitive to this fact. It all makes me feel so ridiculous writing an entire blog post about being SAD about leaving a place I love. Almost makes me laugh if I think about it...
I'm ready to just let myself Feel what I Feel and BE where I AM Today.
So, there I AM. A little sad today. That's okay. I'm happy too. I can be both, right? I already feel better after writing my feelings and allowing myself some process time! I needed it!
Just writing this post has helped me feel ready to move on and start LIVING whole heartedly here in Bend. There's so much to do and see and my kids are happier than ever. There's new races to try (perhaps my first 50k trail race), mountains to climb, date nights, friends to meet and MEMORIES to make! And I have a feeling I'll be back to Asheville to say hello from time to time!
Have you ever felt something you almost didn't allow yourself to feel because it seemed silly or insignificant compared to everything else in life?
A few of my favorite posts from when I was in Asheville: