Day 5 of Project Begin Again

Privilege is thinking something isn't a problem because it isn't YOUR problem.  

Day 5 of 38!  What a great week.  Busy, yes.  But energizing and happy.  Maybe it's still the store of endorphins leftover from my 3 hour plus trail run on Sunday. Or the positive flow I've felt from focusing on my gratitude and intentions every day this week.  Or that I've been in the classroom teaching and doing what I love.  Whatever it is, I'd like more of it!  

I've decided to try to break my routine of posting at night and try to get some of my ideas out in the morning if I have time.  I think this will help with setting the stage for the day as well as allowing me to write when I have the most energy and the least amount of distraction.  

Again, here  in link is the post that began Project Begin Again.  And below are the guidelines I keep in every post.  

So, here's how this will go. 

1. I will write something on here every day for 38 days because that is how many days until my 50k.  
2. I will keep in simple!!! Some days will consist of three sentences if that's all I have.   
3. I will write for me.  
4. I will try very hard NOT to compare my old Runninghood self to the Amanda typing today.  
5. I will keep my posts to daily gratitude, intentions and.... because how can we not feel sad, heavy hearted and powerless at so much happening in our world...I will include at least one small way I can or have done something to make the world a better place (this can be as simple and powerful as helping my child learn a lesson about love and kindness).  
6. Why am I doing this?  To Begin Again.  Just as with training for a marathon when we put in our daily workouts, I want to get into the habit of focusing on the things that make me happy and my intentions for making my life what I want. Writing helps me with this.  

Day 5:

Intentions: 

• Continue to focus on the intentions I already set for myself this week in Day 1. 2. 3. and 4.  
• Read at least 10 minutes today from a REAL book...like the kind I can hold in my hands and underline and write in the margins.  :)  Current read is Creative Schools by Ken Robinson.  I'm borrowing this book so I can't write in it but it is good once I get beyond the dry stuff in the beginning.  As usual, I have many books I have partially read...all stacked on my desk.  I want to be intentional about carving out even a short time every day to READ them!  Amazing  how even only 5 minutes of read time can often shape my thoughts for a big part of the day.  
• Keep doing Duolingo for myself and with my family.  I'm learning Spanish for real!!  yay!  Actually making some quick progress...especially with reading and writing.  The listening part with out the words is harder for me.  This has always been hard for me even in English...the auditory part if it is separate from the visual.  One reason why during read aloud in grade school, I was often never following along for long.  

Gratitude:

• This day.  
• Waking up early again and almost stepping on my daughter who had come in to sleep next to our bed.  I'm not glad for the stepping-on part but I did enjoy scooping her up and putting her in my warm bed to sleep for another hour or so.  
• Survivor night last night with the family... always such a fun night for us to connect and all be together.  Afterwards, my husband and I watched The Martian.  Good movie!  Moving.  We may or may not have both cried.  I did. ;) 
• I GET to teach today.  
• I've felt sore from running this week.  That means I've worked harder than usual.  
• My body is responding well to the extra strength work, healthier eating, and elimination of craft beer during the week.  I've seen definition and toning that I haven't seen in awhile and my jeans are fitting great!  This FEELS GOOD to look good!  

How have I, or can I continue to play even a small part in making the world a better place (Be the Change):  

• I'm using today to look back on my Be-the-Changes from Day 1-4 and reflect on them.  

The words that are in my mind today are words I heard somewhere...Maybe it was the World Muse Conference this last month...   I don't have the exact words but it goes something like this:  

Privilege is thinking something isn't a problem because it isn't YOUR problem.  

Yes.  This.  I think these words are very relevant in our world.  And I think of them often when I find myself creep into a place of comfort with my political decisions (no, I don't get political on here...and likely wont start!!), judgements or lifestyle...when I go on autopilot and make decisions only based on my life, comfort zone, background, schema, bubble, traditions...only on what I know in my life... much much more to say here but again, I'll save the rest for my journals.  

Happy Thursday!

Amanda

Day 4: Project Begin Again

"I hope you remember today that if you slip up, you can restart your day at any time.  You don't have to wait until the next day to start again..."  @powerofspeech

Gratitude:  Thankful for this woman who raised me.  My mama.  :)  Our relationship surely wasn't always the very closest over the years but we love each other despite our imperfections.  Isn't this so wonderful about family?

Day 4.  One of the guidelines for this Being Again Project was that I told myself I'd keep this SIMPLE.  So here I am... simply typing.  I started to think too much.  Think-too-much should be my middle name.  I started to think of way too many things I wanted to write about and before I knew it, I was overwhelmed and didn't want to write at all.  That is NOT the point of this project.  

Again, here it is:  

For the sake of keeping my goals for this project before me, I'll begin my posts with this:

So, here's how this will go. 

1. I will write something on here every day for 38 days because that is how many days until my 50k.  
2. I will keep in simple!!! Some days will consist of three sentences if that's all I have.   
3. I will write for me.  
4. I will try very hard NOT to compare my old Runninghood self to the Amanda typing today.  
5. I will keep my posts to daily gratitude, intentions and.... because how can we not feel sad, heavy hearted and powerless at so much happening in our world...I will include at least one small way I can or have done something to make the world a better place (this can be as simple and powerful as helping my child learn a lesson about love and kindness).  
6. Why am I doing this?  To Begin Again.  Just as with training for a marathon when we put in our daily workouts, I want to get into the habit of focusing on the things that make me happy and my intentions for making my life what I want. Writing helps me with this.  

Day 3:

Intentions (Many of these intentions are long term so I will likely mention them more than once.):   

• To look back on my intentions and reflect. Don't just write them!!  Daily intentions/goals are one thing but long term intentions/goals are another...  we've got to give ourselves think time...reflection time.  Time to look back and say:  "How am I doing?"   So in lieu of a long list of daily intentions for today..or tomorrow... here's some things I'm feeling good about:  

Things I'm feeling good about:  

• This week I made the intention to really ENJOY being in the classroom with the same group of kids all week.  What a fabulous week.  I've been so happy to be doing what I love and to be in a school that I love.  
• Not beating myself up when I slip!  The above quote... it came at such a perfect time!  This morning I was exhausted.  I didn't run my morning run.  I was feeling pretty blah about it.  Started to get discouraged and then I read the quote at the top on an Instagram post.  It stayed with me all day and my day not only ended up being wonderful and energized, I ended up having a strong workout when I got home.  7 miles with 6 800's.  Legs were a little tired from yesterday's incline run but I feel really good!  I can still have a good day when I slip with parenting or running or whatever... a good reminder to not let slip ups determine how good of a person I am or what the future will hold for me.  I will use this quote especially with motherhood the next time I'm beating myself up for something!! 
• Seeing others in a new way.  Assuming the best in other people.  A few specific examples on this but I'll save that for myself and my journal.  
• Motherhood and teaching and how the lessons I learn from each of them, helps me grow.  Teaching gives me new insights into motherhood and motherhood has undoubtedly shaped me as a teacher.  
• The messages I'm giving my kids about themselves and how they see the world.  The other day my oldest was doubting herself when she was talking about whether or not she would get an invite onto the gymnastics team.  She doesn't have her kip on the bars yet (looks like such a hard skill) so she was feeling frustrated.  We had such a good chat about not doubting yourself and the value of HARD WORK and positive mindset!!  Such a good chat.  In the end, her eyes were lit up with excitement and she was watching youtube tutorials on how to learn Kip and improve back handspring.  
• Overall, I feel so happy right now.  Challenged, fulfilled, excited, grateful and full of life.  In a really good place and I think much of this has to do with what I'm focusing on and having a goal to stick to.  It seems to shape everything else!!

Gratitude:

• Morning coffee.  I mean, really.  Such a good good part of my day!!  
• I've had a spinach salad for lunch every day this week so far.  And lots of veggies and water.  This feels good.  
• Bedtime kisses and snuggles with my kiddos.  
• Seeing my kids work hard in school and sports.  
• Feeling so strong with running.  But also very relaxed...enjoying running for the gift it is without pressure of time goals or too structured of a plan.  This is good for me right now.  I think the time will come when I will want more but for now, I am loving where I am.  
• It's going to be in the 70's this weekend. Bring on the BBQs, fire in the fire pit, sunshine, blue skies, trail run, and maybe a snowshoe hike up Tumalo mountain for sunrise on Friday.  
• It's family Survivor night.  Our favorite show.  Actually our only t.v show we watch.  

How have I, or can I continue to play even a small part in making the world a better place (Be the Change):  

 I'm going to end this part with a quote.  I think being the best mother I know how to be is the greatest way I can shape the world in the long run.  Here's a quote that speaks to me:

"Thinking of your child as behaving badly disposes you to think of punishment.  Thinking of your child as struggling to handle something difficult encourages you to help them through their stress."  

I for sure don't always reflect this with my parenting.  I forget often that my kids are working through difficult skills...I stress out, overreact, and run out of patience on many a day. Most of us do...we are human, after all.  However, I'm so glad that for the most part, my kids have a safe place in our family to learn and grow and grow their social/emotional and life skills.  This goes for the students I teach too.  

--Amanda

Day 3: Project Begin Again.

"A true human being is never what he or she appears to be.  Rub your eyes and look again." -Rumi

I admit, it's hard coming here to write after such a long day.  However, I did get a chance to write some intentions and gratitude in my journal today between work and picking up my kids from school.  Despite feeling exhausted right this very moment, I am feeling darn happy with my day.  Starting with an early wake up, 3 mile treadmill run, coffee, shower, lunches made, kids off to school, fabulous day of being with kids in the classroom, got all my kids to where they needed to be for sports and play dates, AND fit in another treadmill run (while my son drew pictures next to me) before making dinner and driving kids around again!  Wahoo!

Gosh, I haven't even written a paragraph yet and already, I'm feeling more relaxed.  Maybe it has something to do with the clicking of these computer keys.  Oh, yes, I forgot to mention this in my last gratitude:  I got a new computer.  Some of my friends and family knew that my old laptop (that I got back in 2011 when I had just begun my blog) was stolen in Thailand on our trip there this last December.  I was sad about the computer but I was MOSTLY sad sad sad about the fact that all my pictures from the last 5 years were on that computer. :(  I never backed them up.  :( I know, stupid.  Luckily, I have used Facebook quite a bit over the years so I have pictures and videos of my kids there but I still feel sad when I think of all that was on there.  Sad, but also grateful that that was ALL they took.  Anyway, long story short, my husband surprised me with similar version (one I like better) of the laptop I had before.  I'm excited to write again... from anywhere.  For myself, on this blog, long emails to dear friends...

Ok, on to Day 3 of Project Begin Again.  

For the sake of keeping my goals for this project before me, I'll begin my posts with this:

So, here's how this will go. 

1. I will write something on here every day for 38 days because that is how many days until my 50k.  
2. I will keep in simple!!! Some days will consist of three sentences if that's all I have.   
3. I will write for me.  
4. I will try very hard NOT to compare my old Runninghood self to the Amanda typing today.  
5. I will keep my posts to daily gratitude, intentions and.... because how can we not feel sad, heavy hearted and powerless at so much happening in our world...I will include at least one small way I can or have done something to make the world a better place (this can be as simple and powerful as helping my child learn a lesson about love and kindness).  
6. Why am I doing this?  To Begin Again.  Just as with training for a marathon when we put in our daily workouts, I want to get into the habit of focusing on the things that make me happy and my intentions for making my life what I want. Writing helps me with this.  

Day 3:

Intentions (Many of these intentions are long term so I will likely mention them more than once.):   

• Practice Spanish as a family....each of us in our own account on Duolingo.  Yes!  We all did this today.  It meant making all my kids sit down before bed to do it but we got it in!  Love this program/App.  If you haven't heard of it,  you should check it out.  I feel like we are all learning fast.  Now to stick with it.  
• Continue making family dinner a priority at least a few times a week.  This is our time to talk, share, laugh, and support each other with whatever comes up.  As the kids get older, the schedule gets busier and busier and we end up eating on the run, standing up in the kitchen, and at staggered times as people get home from practices, work, playdates, etc.  
• Keep making time for two-a-day workouts this week!  It's definitely a balance.  
• Continue making time for the little parts to fitness that build strength, core, etc.  Over spring break my mom (who used to be a personal fitness trainer/body builder) gave me some good workouts to try.  She also told me I haven't been doing my pull ups the "correct" way.  Whatever that means (I guess body builder pull ups)... I listened.  :)  

My mom snapped this to show me my pull up form when she was schooling me on the "correct" body building pull up form.  She's a tough trainer!  

Gratitude:

• Feeling safe in my community.  I read the news sometimes and often feel so sad.  Honestly, if I read too much, I feel scared.  Then I feel powerless and so heartbroken.  I lose hope.  But I also realize how thankful I am to live in a place where I don't live in fear on a daily basis.  
• Seeing my oldest daughter fly through the Hunger Games books that I once read and loved.  The rule in our house is I want them to read the book before they can watch a movie made from a book.  I love seeing her love reading right now!  
• Grateful for TRAVEL:  Past and Future Travels.  Thailand in December was a dream...went way too fast but it is as trip I cherish.  And I'm already dreaming of the next big adventure with our family.  
• My home.  
• Special friendships that really are family too.  I'm so so so excited to see one of these friends soon. A friend I actually met through my blog YEARS ago but has come to be like a sister.  
• 2 runs fit in today.  The fist was only 3 miles (8:30, 8:30, 7:14).  The second was 5 miles but 4 of them were at around a 4% avg incline at 8:30 pace so felt like some good work!!  The last mile was around 7:4x.  Both runs on the treadmill but that's what worked today!  

How have I, or can I continue to play even a small part in making the world a better place (Be the Change):  

• When I sat down to write this one today, I kept coming back to a Rumi quote I have written on the chalkboard in front of my office desk. "A true human being is never what he or she appears to be.  Rub your eyes and look again." -Rumi.  This quote is a reminder to see people in new light...to not be quick to judge but to look again.  It reminds me to try to recognize the gifts in others...to believe in the potential and uniqueness that is within all.  I want to work on seeing the BEST in others...especially people that rub me the wrong way at first.  I want to stop myself and question WHY they annoy me or WHY I might not like them at first and then look deeper.  It's about perspective and remembering there are layers to each of us.  What we see first, isn't always who that person really is.  

That's all I have for today.  I'm FRIED.  Off to BED!!!  

-Amanda

Project Begin Again. Day 2

I woke up extra early this morning.  The house was still cold before the heater kicked in but the coffee was hot, house quiet and my journal was calling my name.  I filled my coffee mug, wrapped myself in a big blanket and started a new journal especially devoted to my Begin Again Project.  I don't expect I'll actually FEEL like writing every morning or evening but I think this will come down to the discipline part...the part of setting and keeping a goal that actually takes a little intention and work.  And I know that when I do stick with this goal, I will start to see small changes in my life.  As I see and hear so often, If we do nothing different, nothing will ever change... so here's to putting in the mental work to be more deliberate about my intentions and gratitude again.

For the sake of keeping my goals for this project before me, I'll begin my posts with this:

So, here's how this will go. 

1. I will write something on here every day for 38 days because that is how many days until my 50k.  
2. I will keep in simple!!! Some days will consist of three sentences if that's all I have.   
3. I will write for me.  
4. I will try very hard NOT to compare my old Runninghood self to the Amanda typing today.  
5. I will keep my posts to daily gratitude, intentions and.... because how can we not feel sad, heavy hearted and powerless at so much happening in our world...I will include at least one small way I can or have done something to make the world a better place (this can be as simple and powerful as helping my child learn a lesson about love and kindness).  
6. Why am I doing this?  To Begin Again.  Just as with training for a marathon when we put in our daily workouts, I want to get into the habit of focusing on the things that make me happy and my intentions for making my life what I want. Writing helps me with this.  

Grateful.  For this life.  For adventure.  The waves.  Warm waters. Beautiful sunsets.  These amazing children that I get to raise and have as my own... these children that bring my life more JOY than I even know right now.  Someday I will look back on these days and recognize these treasures and know their depth in entirely new ways.  

Day 2:

Intentions:  

• Listen to my children.  Truly listen without distraction.  So often, my kids (especially my youngest) will be talking to me...telling me something...sharing a part of his or her life and mind...and I'm too lost in my own thoughts to stop and really LISTEN.  Listen with my complete self.  This is hard for me.  I half-listen lots!  And they know when I'm half-listening.  I know we can't always stop everything and give 100% of our focus to our kids when we have so much going on (especial when so much out of their mouths can be whining and tattling and arguing...the stuff we WANT to tune out) but I can definitely be more mindful of doing this way way more.  
•  Enjoy teaching this week.  Take note of what an honor it is to get to teach these students.  Make connections with them... lift them up.  
• Today I discovered a new language app/program that I really loved.  It's called Duo Lingo.  I'd really love to have my kids (and us) do it a few times a week with the Spanish lessons.  As with anything, this will take INTENTION if we want it to be a habit.  
• Get my runs in this week even though it's almost a full week of work in addition to running 3 kids around after school.  By the time evening comes, I'm exhausted.  The last thing I want to do is run but I know I'll feel better if I do.  Besides, this is what so so many others have to do to fit in their training as working parents.  Either early mornings or later in the evening.  Weeks like this make me appreciate my flexibility with subbing and having most my days as a stay at home parent ALL THE MORE!  I do NOT take it for granted.  It is a surely a choice I feel very grateful to have.  

Gratitude:

• A beautiful weekend of reconnection with my husband after I was away all week for Spring Break taking the kids to California for a road trip to see family.  One of the best weekends we've had in some time.  One that made me so happy to wake up next to him and see him again after work tonight.  Marriage is a constant give and take and one of the things I think we can take for granted more than anything else. What a good good man I have.  The very best kind.  So thankful for him.  
• On the way down to California, my mom went with me.  Glad for this time with her!! And glad she had this special time with the kids.  
• I came home from California to a spotless house and the front and back yard cleaned up for spring.  Big bonus points for the hubby.  :)  
• Hot coffee and and morning quiet time before the kids wake up.  
• New goals.
• Beautiful music while I write.  
• DREAMS.  HOPE.  SPRING (literally and figuratively)  

How have I, or can I continue to play even a small part in making the world a better place (Be the Change):  

• I'll likely use this one a couple of times in my 38 days... I can play my small part in making the world a more loving and positive place by using my voice.  By reaching out to let someone I know or don't know of something I'm glad for about them.  By telling them something I notice that they do well or that I value about them.  It can feel so good...so uplifting... to hear something positive.  I think when we use our voice to let others know we like or  notice of the ways they shine, we spread such energy that keeps giving.  When we lift each other up, it's a gift that keeps giving.  

-Amanda

Project Begin Again. Day 1

"We are constantly invited to be who we are. ...I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by a conscious endeavour. It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve
and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts." -Henry David Thoreau.

No better time to begin again than Easter.  The other day, one of my dear blogger friends, Petra, posted this:  Begin Again. As I was reading, I felt that familiar resonation and inner "Yes". Her words often do this for me.  She's so real.  Her post caused lots to stir within this head and heart of mine.  She was talking about beginning again with her running, what running means to her, and not comparing herself to her past self.  Her words went so much deeper than simply starting again with running.  They reminded me yet again just how much we are a work in progress.  How life continues to unfold and change and we are allowed to change too.  And how things we love can take a different form than they once were.  Her words also reminded me of how hard it can be to begin again with something that once took such big space in our life.

I'm not beginning again with running.  In fact, I'm only a short stretch away from running a trail 50k (May 7th) so I've been running plenty (maybe not enough).  However, I am in a very different place with running than I once was.  I hardly ever carry a watch or Garmin unless I don't know a route or I'm trying to get a feel for where I am with speed.  I don't follow a strict plan.  I run much slower.  I'm ok with skipping days or even weeks.  It can be hard not to compare my present self with my past self sometimes.  Hard to accept that I am still just as much of a runner as I was when I was sticking to a dedicated plan, writing about my training and shooting for that 3:15/3:20 marathon.  I'm still a runner and running is still the gift it always has been.  My zen.  Running has been less and less about a specific goal and more and more about what it does for my soul.  I run because it brings me more life.  With each mile on the trails, my life is richer and my soul awakens.  As Petra says: "Running is how I understand myself in life."

What Petra's post made me think of first, before running, was writing.  Her post made me want to blog again.  I've felt this pull off and on over the last year but I haven't known where to start or how to continue once I do start.  Typing on here feels strange.  I get caught into the trap of comparing myself to my old self.  I'm so different.  So much has changed.  But I'm making it way too complicated here....

We can always Begin Again!  From where we are.  As we are.  Without comparison.

Why write on my blog anymore?  Why not just a journal?  You know, I've asked myself this question lots.  But the truth is, journaling has been way harder for me lately...hard to find my flow.  Something about typing on my blog (even if only for an audience of one or two or none besides my imagination) motivates me.  The discipline of writing ...especially daily gratitude and intentions... helps my entire flow and focus with everything else! The practice of daily writing is ENERGIZING and gives way to so so much more than I realize.

So, here's how this will go.

1. I will write something on here every day for 38 days because that is how many days until my 50k.  
2. I will keep in simple!!! Some days will consist of three sentences if that's all I have.   
3. I will write for me.  
4. I will try very hard NOT to compare my old Runninghood self to the Amanda typing today.  
5. I will keep my posts to daily gratitude, intentions and.... because how can we not feel sad, heavy hearted and powerless at so much happening in our world...I will include at least one small way I can or have done something to make the world a better place (this can be as simple and powerful as helping my child learn a lesson about love and kindness).  
6. Why am I doing this?  To Begin Again.  Just as with training for a marathon when we put in our daily workouts, I want to get into the habit of focusing on the things that make me happy and my intentions for making my life what I want. Writing helps me with this.  

Day 1:

Intentions:  

• Go downstairs after writing this and be entirely present with my family over dinner.  
• Acknowledge at least one positive thing I noticed about each of my kids this week.  
• Celebrate as a family all we have to be thankful for and our highlights of Spring Break.  

Gratitude:

• A road trip with my kids to sunny California to see family.  
• Our stop in the Redwood Forest.  Majestic soul food.
• My 20 mile run on trails (so much time on feet) with my husband today (he's also running the 50k).  
• Seeing my children grow into such beautiful versions of themselves. Well, I don't always notice this. ;) But if I step back and really see the big picture... 
• I could go on and on but the goal was to keep these entries simple so I'll save more for tomorrow.  

How have I, or can I continue to play even a small part in making the world a better place (Be the Change):  

• This week, on my long drive back from SoCal to Oregon, I had a moment with my kids where I was simply and clearly NOT my best self.  Instead, I let my sleep deprived self take over and react to my tired fighting kids in a way that did NOT model grace or love or patience.  I was like a roaring LION.  I hated the feeling that came after I screamed.  I definitely had those familiar feelings of shame and guilt washing over me.  But I let my kids see ME have GRACE and love with myself and I offered the same to them.  I showed them that even when we act in ways we aren't proud of, we can still apologize and offer ourselves and each other GRACE!! I showed them what it looks like to start fresh and forgive.  I think that by modeling self love and grace and love and grace for others, and letting them see that they can make mistakes without letting their mistakes turn into shame and negative self talk and feeling stuck, I am helping them grow up to be loving, kind, and full of grace people...with themselves and others.  At least I hope so. 

That's about all for today.  Here's to beginning again... and continuing.  Life is beautiful.

-Amanda