Completely

"If am not good to myself, how can I expect anyone else to be good to me?"

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." 

-Maya Angelou

Last night I ran in the rain.  I dropped the kids off at practice and I did something I used to do daily: I ran in the spring rain.  Rain storms are actually rare for this dry high desert climate.  When I lived  in Portland, I was sick of rain because it would sometimes not stop raining for what felt like months on end.  The rain last night was refreshing and comforting.  I breathed in the cool air and felt the rain fall down... with each step, I felt GLAD to be ALIVE.  To be ME.  To feel strong and free.  And to know I have a voice... in telling my story and sharing my heart.  

I took the above picture last night.  Looking into the camera, happy and hopeful for my 50k this weekend.  My eyes say a lot here.  Content.  Grateful.  Hopeful.  Secure. Relieved.  When I cropped the picture like this on accident at first, I decided to keep it... it reminds me of how we see people in life.  

We really only ever see parts of the people in our lives.  

Pieces.  

If we're lucky, we get close to loving and knowing another as completely as we possibly can as separate human beings.  And if we are really lucky, we get to love and know ourselves completely. 

When I was out there running in the rain, it was pretty clear to me how lucky I am.  

To love and be loved.  ... as completely as I can imagine.   

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No more Project Begin Again.  Wednesday was day 38.  But you know, I think I just might keep writing!  This time, with a new voice.  

Gratitude:

• My husband and I will run the hardest race we've ever run on Saturday!  Tomorrow??! Holy Crap, it's tomorrow!  The Smith Rock 50k.  I've never run the full course.  I have only run at Smith Rock once.  I have no idea what I'm in for other than HARD. And undertrained.  But you know, I am confident I can cover 31 plus miles... even if I hike and walk and shuffle.  Really, the goal is to ENJOY!  Stop, smell the roses.  Oh wait, this is really dry high desert terrain.  There will be no roses or trees or green.  Open rocky canyons with nothing but blue sky and sunshine above.  Please let it stay somewhat cool for morning hours.  Please!  
• My voice.  My voice and vulnerability to tell my stories even when fear tells me to stuff them. 
• Running!  Thank you running... for all you add to my life.  
• I'm excited, truly excited, to train properly for the Twin Cities Marathon!  I haven't been excited about following a plan and training with structure for a long time.  At least not an excited that lasts and helps me stick to a plan.  I've definitely needed this last stretch to be really loose and free with my running... the What Do I Feel Like Running Today?  Plan.  Seasons, right?  
• My family.  Through and Through.  Last night we all cuddled on the couch to watch past episodes of our favorite show Survivor.  This is my favorite time with all of them where we are wrapped up in each other, sharing in something we all enjoy. Grateful for them.... more than I could ever say.  

Intentions:

• Run Happy tomorrow!  I GET to run a 50k on trails with my husband.  Run/Walk/Hike SMART and happy.  Take in the beauty around me and be mindful and present with each of my miles.  Stay within.  
• Continue to write my heart as it comes.  

-Amanda