Shutting the Autopilot Off, Reconnecting, and a Joyful Weekend of Running

The past few weeks have kind of felt like I've been on autopilot with my life. Not in an entirely bad way either.  Just kind of a fog of motions. I guess that means that my life has been going along smoothly enough to where I can go on autopilot.  But I don't really like this feeling.  I hate sitting down on nights like tonight and realize that I've been half here. It has almost felt like I'm seeing my life through a cloudy bubble.  I hear my kids.  I smile at them. But I don't fully soak them in.  I zone out to my e-mail, facebook, or books that are stacked around begging me to read them.  I cook dinner.  Clean the house.  Go on my runs.  Shower.  Kiss my husband hello.  Enjoy hanging out with friends. Break up fights between my kids.  I make sure I read to my kids daily, help them with their homework, and put tooth paste on their tooth brushes.  You know, all the usual stuff that life has to offer. Good and Bad.  


I'm doing a fine job with things.  More than fine. 
 Life is good.  
But I just haven't had the same passion or color in my life.  The kind of alertness that makes me marvel at the things that are so easy to go unnoticed...it just hasn't been there.  


Yesterday was the first time I picked up my personal journal or journals to my kids in months!  I opened my journal and honestly, I felt like I was having tea with a stranger when I tried to write something. Those of you that know me from this blog know that my journals and writing are one of the biggest ways I connect with myself and stay grounded and present in my life. It was weird being alone with my thoughts and coaxing myself to do some reflection.  


It was work. Work to connect with ME.  Work to be still with my thoughts and think about what I'm really feeling and where I'm really AT with LIFE.  Right now.


We don't always have to be doing this work.  Life is busy. We get tired.  And truthfully, sometimes is is nice to just go on autopilot and zone out.  Just be.  Not always be thinking.  I just don't like going too long living my life just going through the motions before I turn the auto pilot off and start being a bit more alert.  Reflective.  AWAKE.  In Control.  For me, this means taking more time for writing again....my personal writing and even my blog writing.  Not the kind of blog posts where I do product reviews or tell you what I ate for breakfast and what kind of shoes I'm wearing. But the deeper stuff.  The kind of posts that help me grow and process. The kind where I share my life, thoughts, ideas, struggles...be REAL. I've missed that kind of blogging.  I miss the connections and relationships that come from that kind of blogging.  The moms I meet via e-mail that write to tell me their struggles as a mother or trying to find ways to balance fitness/health with every day life.  The comments where people share similar stories and advice. 


I think there are many cycles/season in life and we don't always have to be doing the same thing or enjoying the same activities and outlets.  That's what is cool about life.  But I do know that lately, I've been thinking it is time to get my writing/journaling/vulnerable side moving again.  Blowing the dust off this week I think.  


In the meantime, this weekend was pretty epic in terms of RUNNING!  


Yesterday (Thanks to Tasha from Healthy Diva), I ran the Helvetia Half Marathon as marathon training run. This was not a race. The goal was to hit goal marathon pace for the first 10 miles so that I could get a feel for it off of my treadmill.  Then I had the last three miles to do whatever I felt like.  For the Sauvie Island Marathon (July 4th), my goal marathon pace is right around 7:38/7:40 so I was trying to come as close to this pace as possible (even on the downhills).  Here's how it went:

Split	Time	Distance	Avg Pace
Summary	1:40:32.5	13.21	7:37
1	7:25.5	1.00	7:25
2	7:35.4	1.00	7:35
3	7:41.5	1.00	7:41
4	7:48.5	1.00	7:49
5	8:12.7	1.00	8:13
6	7:46.2	1.00	7:46
7	7:40.6	1.00	7:41
8	7:37.1	1.00	7:37
9	7:39.4	1.00	7:39
10	7:37.6	1.00	7:38
11	7:28.5	1.00	7:28
12	7:17.9	1.00	7:18
13	7:20.0	1.00	7:20
14	1:21.6	0.21	6:28

And here is the elevation profile of this BEAUTIFUL course that runs through the Oregon countryside.  Definitely a monster hill in there.





Overall, this was such a JOYFUL run.  I got to run with Stephanie from Soggy Runner Girl from mile 8ish on. Thank you Steph! Your energy and love for running is CONTAGIOUS!  I got to finish feeling strong and happy.  Happy that the first 10 miles were so easy, as they should be if I'm going to run a marathon at that pace. For the first time in training, I feel so so confident that I can nail this 7:38ish range without much effort.  And I know that after this July 4th marathon, I can and WILL start training for other things that will only lead to getting faster, more confident, and accomplishing things I might have never imagined.  High hopes here.  I'm so thankful that I've been smart in recovering from this injury.  I've been patient and okay with keeping things slow and steady.  Because of this, running has been pressure free and full of JOY.  That's the way it should be for me right now.  


To top the week off, I ran a slow, easy, and beautiful 4-6 mile (wasn't keeping track) trail run with my Husband.  Yes, that's right, we are going on running dates again!  Our favorite kind of date.  His plantar fasciitis is doing so much better.  I couldn't ask for a better way to end my running week.  It was WELL WORTH paying a sitter so we could go together.  


This run in the forest with my best friend was certainly a start in reconnecting with myself and shutting the autopilot off.  I feel refreshed.  And Happy!

Amanda

Gratitude and Goals

Listing gratitude with my kids.  My pre K five year old daughter's list:  God,haircuts, cuddles with mommy, dad, brother and sister

What season is it again?  Oh, that's right, in Portland we only have a few seasons around here:  rainy, less rainy, partially rainy, piss-on-you-all-the-time rainy, and we'll-make-you-think-it-isn't-going-to-rain-and-then-DUMP-on-you rainy.

Waking up to the pouring rain and cold was a sure sign that I'd be digging deeper in my thankful pockets for things to add to my gratitude list today.  No, I don't do gratitude lists every day.  But I should.  They really help put things in perspective for me.  They help me find magic in the ordinary everyday things.  The things that might otherwise go by unnoticed.  Gratitude lists also help get my energy flowing when it feels stagnant and stuck.

So here goes with my list of things to be thankful for in my life right now:

• My body is officially WHOLE!  Yippie.  My right hammy seems to be 100% for sure.  The past week has been the first full week that I haven't felt pain in my hamstring when I sleep. Seems like I felt it the most when I'd move during sleep.  Perhaps this is because the rest of the day I am so busy and distracted that I don't pay as much attention to it.  
• The very kind and positive e-mail I got from a blog reader yesterday.  Haven't been so active on my blog lately and her e-mail was a reminder of why I write and share my life with others.  Thank you K.L (you know who you are).  Good luck on your next marathon!  
• Having morning story time with my middle daughter.  We even had time to write a gratitude list for her before my youngest woke up.  Feels good to have consciously filled her mommy-time cup.  
• Getting up early enough to make oatmeal for breakfast and have a few moments with my husband before he took off for work.  
• A chiropractor appointment today.  
• Excited about my run today:  11 miles (35 min@8:30; 20 min@7:10; 35@8:30)
• Having a coach to tell me what my weekly workouts are.  Workouts tailored specifically to ME.  
• My new deck.  Hopeful for some summer sunshine, hours of back yard play, enjoying a drink with a girlfriend, family dinners, neighborhood gatherings, etc.  The deck and the trampoline=awesomeness.  
• Having a backyard full of neighbor kids most days after school.  I like being the house where the kids hang out.  (when it isn't raining)
• A girl trip to Boston coming up.  
• My July 4th Marathon.  So Close.  I'm a little nervous and not quite sure where I'm at since it has been so long since I've really raced anything.  
• Friendships.  New and Old.  I've really valued the deepness I've found in a handful of girlfriends lately.  So much treasure to be found in finding other women to share our lives with.  And friends where you can completely be yourself without fear of judgement.  
• An awesome trip to San Antonio where I met some new family/friends that I have running in common with.
• Being home with my children.  So easy to take this for granted and forget that it is a choice and a blessing.  My messy house and crazy moments in life are something that I will surely miss someday.  
• Going on an adventure hunt with my two younger kids the other day.  We just took off on a walk/bike ride ready for whatever adventure we found.  We left with a paper bag in hand, our eyes wide, and our ears open.  We ended up witnessing two birds talking to each other for about 10 minutes in a very specific way.  And then we saw them fly to a tree and land on the grass gobbling up worms.  When they got their fill, they took some with them (assuming to their baby birds?) I'm not a huge nature fanatic but this was TOO COOL! So glad I took time to slow down and take in life around me. 
• Library books!  I love love love going to the library and stocking up on books and magazines for my kids to dig into.  We usually get quite a bundle and it lasts us at least 3 to 6 weeks. 

• Seeing my kids use their imagination.  Even if it means seeing my son give his sisters' doll a makeover.  Lucky doll.  I want pampered like that.  

Goals for Now and Later:

• Get more sleep
• Model gratitude for my kids
• Model patience and a gentle and loving way of responding to them instead of losing my cool and "barking" at them.
• Taking  time for a short but more structured reading, math, writing time this summer that is FUN but also enriching.  
• Not feeling guilty about things anymore.  Or way less.  Life is too darn short to feel guilty about everything.  Focus on the things I AM doing Well and not all the things I could be better at.  Good grief, I'm hard on myself.  
• Keep on making running fun and enjoyable.  I love how running fits in my life right now.  It seems pressure free and something I do because I love it, I'm good at it, and it keeps me healthy and want to be better at LIFE.  
• Spend less money.  Just because I have the money doesn't mean we should spend the money.  There are surely things I can cut back on...races, buying anything and everything that I want, eating out whenever we are out (packing more snacks), traveling to every place that looks fun, etc.  Things I won't skimp on:  QUALITY FOOD!  
• Ignore the messes more and just sit down and enjoy being part of the mess with my kids!  This one is big for me.  

As always, I would love to hear from you.  What are one or two things on your gratitude list?  What are some of your big and/or small goals?  

Amanda

Making Lemonade...Literally and Figuratively

No, life really hasn't been throwing me lemons.  In fact, life has been pretty darn good.  Busy, but good.  My days have been filled with the normal mixed bag that comes with balancing motherhood with SELFHOOD.  You know, trying to make sure I'm doing all of those things to keep memories magical, make my children feel loved and important, and still make time for AMANDA:  wife, friend, athlete, writer.  Something always has to go when when life gets busy.  Or this is usually the case.  Right now, this happens to be my writing, this blog, and connecting with so many of you.  The truth is, I haven't even felt the pull to write lately.  I've been in a writing drought of sorts.  A dry spell.  Maybe that means that life is just really smooth sailing.  No controversy, deep thoughts/emotions, or life circumstances to make me stop in my tracks and have to process through my writing....Until this morning.

There are few things worse for me than the feeling that comes from rushing out the door in the morning and sending my oldest off to school right in the midst of an argument.  Such an awful feeling knowing that my last words to her were of the nagging, complaining, "harping on", and "you know better" type.  The kind of morning where we were both in tears and where she had to dash off right then or she'd be late. This sucks! And the worst part of it all is knowing that I could have prevented it by getting her up earlier and setting the stage for a more relaxed start.  But instead, I was late getting her up and then expected her seven year old self to get everything together in 15 minutes instead of the usual 35-45 minutes. Really, it was me that set her up for such a crappy morning and now....what am I chewing on??  Yup, that stupid MOTHERHOOD GUILT! The Lemons of Motherhood. 

But I'm choosing to wad this guilt up and throw it in the trash.  It is worthless. Instead, I'm taking these Motherhood Lemons and I'm going to make some Motherhood/Childhood Lemonade with them! Guilt gets us nowhere if we hold on to it.  It is useful for just a tiny bit...just long enough to make us aware of something we can do better NEXT TIME and then move on.  So, this time, instead of wallowing in my guilt and berating myself for all the things I'm NOT doing, I'm going to focus on the things I AM DOING. And that adds up to a lot more than I'd realize if I didn't take the Guilt Glasses off.  I'm starting the day by printing off this list of 100 Ways to be kind to your child.  These are all simple things that we probably do a lot of anyway.  I like having this list up as just a helpful reminder when life gets so busy and I lose sight of the little things that are really the BIG things.

So, I'd Say that since it has been so long since I've written on this blog, I smell some random bullets in the works for this post.  Yes?  You know you love the randomness!  Ha!

• Making Lemonade  In light of the making lemonade, I thought I'd share this picture from our wedding this weekend.  My girls and I went off to San Antonio for my cousin's wedding.  The night of her wedding was a beautiful full moon and a perfect night to be in Texas!  While the adults ate cupcakes and enjoyed visiting, several of the young kids (my girls the ring leaders) found all the centerpiece lemons on the patio and decided to make lemonade for the bride under the light of the moon.  Instead of scolding them about the huge mess they were making, I sat down and peeled a few lemons for them...all while finding great joy in seeing their child-like excitement in something as simple as squeezing lemon juice.   

• First Shirley Temples and Feeling Fancy  My girls had their first Shirley Temples at the wedding.  They thought they were the fanciest little kids around.  And apparently, it is necessary to get as many straws as you can possibly get before the bartender yells at you to stop.  

• Dancing and Making Friends If only all adults weren't a little more like children.  I mean, think about how easy it is for kids to make friends. For the most part (if the kids isn't painfully shy), it requires walking up to another kid and saying "Hey, do you want to be my friend?" and there you have it!  In a matter of minutes, they are tearing it up on the dance floor, making lemonade and sneaking extra cupcakes at the wedding.  Just watching them makes me remember my own "inner child" that isn't so inner.  
• Coming Home During the 3 to 4 days I was gone, my husband was home with our son.  I expected them to have some down time.  Perhaps they'd do a little yard work and go to the wedding reception they had planned on going to.  But overall, I figured that they would enjoy some dude time with their feet up.  Instead, I came home to a spotless house, freshly landscaped yard and a new deck that my husband and father in law built while we were away (almost finished).  What a STUD!  Thank you Honey!  Lots in store for you.  

• Healthy Love Life  No, this healthy love life isn't because of the deck.  However, things like this do go a long way into making a strong relationship.  The act of doing these things for each other and putting effort into things for each other really does go a long way.  This will all be in another blog post soon but recently (really always), I've been thinking a lot about the things that go into keeping a marriage and love life with our partners SPICED up and THRIVING!  This is just as important to me as keeping my motherhood and athlete aspects of my life STRONG.  Just as is the case with anything we do really well, it takes work.  But work doesn't have to be hard...it is a fun work to keep my marriage awesome.  Like I said, another blog post but in addition to keeping ourselves healthy/fit, doing the little extras that make the other happy, etc., one of the things that I've worked hard to make a regular part of our love life is to have a regular date night.  This might just mean putting the kids to be early and watching Modern Family together.  But sometimes it means finding a sitter and going "OUT". 

• Book Club  About four years ago, I joined a group of women and became part of their book club.  Over the years, I've read a lot of books that I might not have otherwise picked up.  We have all had our ups and downs as a group and we've gone through different phases, but in the end, we've grown together and bonded over books and girl time.  Sometimes we don't all read a book and sometimes the book that was chosen ends up being all the rage.  Every month we take turns deciding on a book and the rest of the group usually goes along with it.  This month was at my house and we had my husband to grill for us before he took off with the kids.  

Note:  This is funny to us. He is playfully wearing his "Smoldering Look" on purpose and not taking himself seriously...simply for our amusement

• Tree Season  When it isn't raining in Portland (rare), the kids have found refuge in the backyard trees.  They love to climb and apparently, my husband doesn't mind climbing with them.  This is where I found them all when I called them for dinner the other night.  

• Nuun Giveaway  Yes, I have some Nuun goodies to give away soon. Stay tuned.

• Running Running Running  For those of you that are curious, YES I am still running.  Yes, I am planning on running another marathon.  And Yes, I am healthy.  Having a coach has been one of the greatest things ever.  I really like my coach and I look forward to our daily communication.  Even though he is clear across the country,  he's become a good friend and I've learned a TON from him.  He has definitely been cautious in that he doesn't want me doing too much too soon and for this I am thankful.  He is the opposite of pushing me too hard.  In fact, he told me to take the last 3 or 4 days off after a harder beginning to last week.  This is perhaps the best thing that ever happened to my running. I'm running slower paces in my daily runs and workouts but I'm confident in what he has planned for me. Trusting in someone can be hard at times but OH SO FREEING! If it were just myself like it used to be, I would have felt guilt in taking 3 days off and would have ended up doing too much during a travel weekend where I am already stressed and tired traveling with kids on my own.  Instead, I was free to relax and trust that someone else has my best interests in mind.  As far as my next marathon (July 4th), my coach is training me off of my Boston base to run a BQ time.  I'm not training for a PR or to break huge records.  I just want to option of going to Boston next year if I decide that I want to.  And I'm not going to be overconfident in what it takes to do that just because I've done it four times before.  Boston was a humbling experience for me to say the least.  However, I'm still confident.  Today's workout is a 10 mile progression run with the last 3 miles at a comfortable 7:40-7:45 pace.  Unfortunately, most of my runs still require me to be on the treadmill.  But this is the nature of training and mothering.  :)  I'm okay with this.   

Speaking of "mothering", time to end this long MOTHER of a post.  

Happy Tuesday!

Amanda