What a week. Trip to California. Disneyland. MAJOR PMS mood swings. Sick all week. Sick and tired led to missed workouts. Then the flu came for a visit. First it hit my husband on our second day at Disney and then on our last day it was apparent that we would all be doomed eventually. Who needs fireworks and seeing Tinkerbell fly over the castle when you get to have your three year old son projectile vomit all over you and the freshly made hotel sheets? Not once, not twice but throwing up all night and into the next day. Lucky for us, the throwing stopped up long enough for us to fly home and put everyone to bed and wait for the rest of us to join the throw up party. Hey, at least we didn't ALL have the flu during vacation.
Now that we are home, most of us still a little sick, Thanksgiving is on Thursday, and my house is turned upside down in a mess of scattered suitcase trailings, I'm feeling just a tad out of control. And my old "friend" called fear is back for a visit. Fear of what really? Well, I'm learning more and more that I'm surely fearful of not being in control! We all have control issues to some extent. And in many ways, being a person who wants control and strives to feel a sense of control isn't necessarily a bad thing. Feeling a sense of control leads to success and security. But it is how we react when life seems so out of control that can be tricky. Fear of CHANGE and AMBIGUITY is another big one for me. So here I am.... lots of ambiguity in regards to my life and what is coming next (especially with this planned move to NC). And lots of feeling out of control with things. My ducks just don't seem to be in a row. They are all over the place. Training has started but I so desperately feel like I am getting nowhere fast (I know, not the the best attitude). With my feet going off and on with discomfort, the stress of not yet being able to do much with the move but knowing that there is so much yet to do (insurance change, house rental, moving company/packing, finding a home in NC, finding a school for my kids, not knowing the area, not knowing how much my husband will be traveling, etc. etc.), sick kids, travel, holidays, weight gain, and other things I won't list, I'm feeling like it just might be time for a good ol' list of gratitude. Stream of consciousness style. It's been WAY TOO LONG! And I can't express enough how strongly I believe in the power of focusing on the positives...the abundance we have in life. It almost always brings more of the good stuff. I'm going to play some tunes and keep adding to this list as I dig myself out of this mess of a house and nurse my sweet sick kiddos. Here goes.
- Having the flu. Seriously, as much as it has been awful. There were some benefits. I was forced to be in bed all day and give my VERY tired feet (think marathon days at Disneyland plus running) a much needed rest. And forget stress eating...that wasn't even an option unless I wanted to throw it all up. So the flu wasn't bad for my growing butt (ha! Now, I don't recommend getting the flu as a weight loss program ladies and really this is all in jest).
- A warm house when it is so windy, rainy and cold outside.
- The ability to run
- A husband that loves me so very much. He's been here for me through all that life brings. Patiently and fully.
- Kids to love, learn from, and teach. As challenging as it is, it is beyond rewarding. What a treasure they are. And will be. Nobody said it would be easy.
- Having an inner strength and the will to always strive for being my best self and living my best life. Not settling for ordinary but really living with intention and purpose when it comes to making my life extraordinary.
- Friendships that give and take so effortlessly. So selflessly. So wonderfully. I've been blessed with some pretty amazing people in my life and I've had some special people make their way into my universe...people that have proven that they are here to love me no matter what.
- Adventure. As much as I am scared of change and ambiguity, I am excited by new possibilities to explore life and make new chapters for our life. I'm excited for Asheville.
- Being okay with just being. I don't have any huge goals right now and THAT's OKAY. Even with marathon training. I'm just going to let it unfold and try desperately to let go of some control here. JUST RUN. I hope I can do this.
- Vulnerability. It almost always brings me back to myself when I can be open and really face myself and inner issues head on. And be REAL with the people in my life that matter. Always worth being vulnerable with the people I love. Always.
- Cat Stevens. Ha! Playing right now on my Pandora stream. LOVE. Cat Stevens always has a way of brining me back to myself a little when I'm a little off my track.
- Music. Particularly Cello Music lately. I've found so much comfort in it during this stage in my life...more than usual. This has been such a year of a more introverted Amanda and music has been a great companion. A great source of resonation....music has helped me find words for ME. This might not make any sense to anyone but me.
- Being in my 30's.
- Being able to identify and "feel" my feelings instead of ignoring them or trying to skirt around them. It is okay to feel fearful, sad, unsure, confused, and a little lost. Just as it is okay to feel joyful, excited, and full of life!
- Struggles. They make us stronger.
- Thanksgiving. My favorite holiday.
- GOOD neighbors that love us and that we love. Leaving them (and this community) will be so so hard even if it is a good opportunity.
- Kind people that don't expect anything in return when they give of themselves.
- A girl trip coming up where I will be able to unplug and just be with one of my favorite people. Fully connecting. And a husband who supports this.
- The opportunity to have been home with my kids for the past 3 years. I feel myself approaching the time where I might be needing something else to get involved in but for now I'm going to keep striving to be in the present and enjoy this time while I have it. It goes way too fast.
- Recognizing FEAR. How else would I know that I needed to push past it? Good things are ahead when I find myself recognizing and facing some real fears.