Soul Food, Emotions, NEVER take CIPRO, Non-Injuries and Some Goals and Gratitude!

Wildwood Trail in Forest Park.  My favorite place to run.  I think I spent more time snapping pictures than actually running.  Love my iPhone!  

I guess you could say that I have a few small "body annoyances" as of last week.  I won't call them injuries yet. That could be because I'm in major denial and I've been taken over by irrationally stupid avoidance issues.  Ha!  Or it could mean that I'm thinking like an optimist.  Whatever the reason...I refuse to use the "I" (injury) word in any real context right now.  A number of things could be going on:

• Not warming up properly last Tuesday before my 30 min at 7:00 pace on the TM caused me to snag/irritate/pull/tweak/whatever my right hammy.  Didn't feel it too badly until I attempted a track workout on Friday and realized that I couldn't run fast without pain.  After a semi-repressed cry, I went about my day and found myself (hours later and after jumping through many flaming 3-kid hoops) at the pool to do laps/pushups/ab work...you know, anything I could think of to replace some endorphins and stick it to the injury gods.  
• I'm also feeling some irritation in my achilles and the arch of my left foot.  What??  This has never happened to me before.  EVER.  Last night, I got to remembering that stupid nurse that prescribed me CIPRO for my kidney infection a few weeks ago.  There's a back story here that is too long to tell in detail but basically, several weeks ago I was very sick with a kidney infection and I spent hours in the urgent care on a Friday night only to be seen by a nurse practitioner who was crazy busy and spent 2 minutes with me before telling me to go pick up my prescription of CIPRO and go home.  Here's how I know she knew that I was not only an active person but a freaking marathon runner:  1. She commented on the fact that my back could be sore due to my marathon (um, No...it had been over a week or more).  2.  I was wearing my Boston Marathon shirt and explained that I was a marathon runner....it was in my records.  Now, I know that some of you intense athletes might think of marathon running as baby talk.  However, to the average person, I'm pretty sure that marathon running would fit in a category of VERY Active person.  right?   Any doctor/nurse practitioner (IMO) SHOULD know that CIPRO is NOT a drug that you would give a VERY active person.  In fact, I'm not sure why I didn't demand another drug right away when I heard the pharmacist say "Be sure to stop taking the drug immediately if your ACHILLES ruptures.  This is one of the side effects."  WHAT??!  I think I was so exhausted from my Friday night marathon urgent care waiting room expedition and a little foggy from a fever and infection that I didn't register the severity of what he said to me until 2 days later.  2 days of taking this crap! Not only was the medication making me sick and feel AWFUL (awful drug...don't take it unless you have to).  I did some research and found out that it is common knowledge in the medical field that you most likely would NOT give this antibiotic to a very active person...um, a marathon runner??  Runner's World had a couple links regarding this issue.  You can read them Here and Here.   These are only a couple of the many things out there warning runners against this nasty drug.  And even off of a couple days...this drug can cause long term problems with the Achilles tendons.  So, putting all hypochondriac-like behavior aside, I'm not ruling this possibility out considering I have NEVER had aching/bothersome/pain in my achilles before.  Lucky for me, I had a good friend have her doctor husband help me get a new antibiotic ASAP since the nurse with my insurance was no help in telling me that if I wanted a new prescription from them that I would have to come wait in urgent care again...Seriously?!  You already know that I have a kidney infection, 3 kids, and I'm in bed all day and you seriously need me to come in and sit for another 4 hours just so one of your medical staff can see my blue eyes and tell me that I should switch to ___________(name a good antibiotic for a VERY Active person with a kidney infection).  Come to find out from my regular doctor, who called me on Monday morning, I should have been able to have a doctor call me in a different drug.  I'm just a little angry.  Glad you all can see that I have an angry side and I'm not all about pooping rainbows and journaling butterflies all the time.  

This Girl NEEDED a Good Run!
Yesterday, I had rolled out of bed before my kids woke up and I found myself pulled towards my journal...you know, the journal that I used to write in daily but that now had a thin layer of dust settling on it.  As I flipped through the pages, it was somewhat like reading someone else's words...the lists of goals, gratitude, and memories...things I had almost forgotten about.  When I went to write for just me (not on a blog or e-mail), I felt so out of touch.  My head seemed foggy when it came to listing some clear goals I have for my life right now.  Usually, I am so in-tune with myself...my feelings come easily and I almost always have clear goals that drive my life. Goal Driven. Focused.  Intentional. These are words that I'd usually use to describe me.  (Yes, emotional and irrational at times too.)  However, when I went looking for those goals and clear guidelines for my life,  my feelings were mixed and my goals were all glopped together with nothing standing out.  I very much needed to clear my heart, be alone, and open myself up to truly LISTENING.

So, even though I knew I couldn't get in a decently paced run yesterday, I did KNOW that if I could, I NEEDED a run close to the double digits if my body would allow.  No matter how slow it was.  I needed it for many reasons.  I sent my husband and kids off to a more "traditional" church and I escaped to the forest to be alone with myself, God, my thoughts, and some amazing LIFE energy.

With my left foot all taped up and my right hamstring wrapped, I only felt a little like I was being held together by a glue stick.  But I knew that if I took it easy, I'd be okay. This run would be an opportunity to be still with my thoughts, meditate on the life surrounding me, pray,  and clear my head.  It can be really  hard for me to shut my racing thoughts off sometimes but being in the forest almost always helps with this. Yesterday was no exception.  It didn't take long to feel wrapped up in the most incredible living energy...a peace washing over me.  My body relaxed, my mind cleared, and I settled into my almost 10 mile run.

I'm not saying that I came back with an entirely clear picture of what my goals are.  But I do have a clearer head about everything.  And I do feel at peace with the possibility that I might need to step back from intense running for awhile if my body continues to struggle.  I'm going to take life as it comes.  Things happen. And we almost always benefit from these things in the long run in life.  I'm not going to lie, feeling my body struggle and not feel strong right now definitely makes me sad. Feeling my achilles ache makes me ANGRY and want answers from that nurse practitioner that so obviously acknowledged that I was a marathon runner and still prescribed such a non-appropriate drug with some awful side effects that can cause life-long problems for people.

Crying is sure to be a part of my day at least once lately when just four weeks ago, I can remember telling my husband that I don't even remember the last time I cried.

The best thing I can think of in moving on here with a positive outlook and a happy spirit is to focus on goals and gratitude.  This always helps give me some focus.  Long term goals are WAY FOGGY still but I can keep it small and start with goals for the right now.

Gratitude List:

• Hood to Coast this weekend!  
• I get to be on the Nuun Morning Team.  I've never been on a sponsored team before.  Hope I can perform physically.  If not, I promise to bring my Amanda spirit with a smile on my face.  
• I have the next two days with my kids before I leave for the Nuun headquarters in Seattle and am gone until Sunday after the relay.  
• An opportunity to make the most out of these next two days of summer...prime time to create some really magical memories for my kids.
• Good friends.  Always thankful for this.  
• A patient, wise, loving coach that has become a very dear person to me.  I've learned a lot about patience, listening, and trusting.  Even if I stop training seriously for anything, I hope he's part of my life for the long stretch.  
• Coffee
• Crying
• The ability to express myself in words (even if I feel really bad at this right now...I know it is there somewhere)
• My Achilles isn't ruptured
• Hope
• The forest
• Trail runs
• Hearing a very clear message on my run yesterday when I prayed and asked for something.  It was a pretty powerful experience.  Might write about it someday for others in detail (or not).  It involved my kids, loving them, and realizing that I've been dwelling too much on all the ways that I wished I would have been loved and forgetting to realize just what a gift I have in being able to LOVE my kids in that way that I always craved.  My dream of being a MOM is right in front of my freaking face and somehow, lately, I've been looking past it.  Everything I need regarding love is right here!  Three bright, beautiful, children that are mine to LOVE the heck out of.  I get to love them, believe in them, guide them, help them figure this crazy wonderful world out and discover/nurture their gifts.  Wow, do things get much better than this as far as gifts go?!  I can't believe I can get so caught up in my own head/life and moving through the motions so that I don't see this motherhood thing as I should.  I mean, Holy Moly...all my dreams have come true regarding this part of my life....glad I snapped out of THAT fog.  

Some Short-Term Goals:

• Make the most out of the last few days of summer before school starts.  I have 2 days this week and 4 next week.  So many memories to be made.
• Practice patience and presence with my kids.  This can be hard when they fight and whine so much.  
• Run the best I can for Hood to Coast while still caring for my body.  If that means some slower running then that's what it will be.  I only have one body here.  
• Enjoy meeting new people and building new friendships this week. What a great experience...certain that my extrovert side will make its way out by then. 
• Allowing myself to cry and live with feelings as they come without burying things because they seem silly and small.  Validation.  
• Anger.  I haven't felt anger in a long time and really, I'm not a big fan of the emotion.  It can, however, be beneficial sometimes. So if I'm going to have a bit of this thing called anger then I'm hoping I can use it for something good and then get rid of the nasty emotion.  It really is toxic.  My theory:  1.  acknowledge it.  2.  Work through it/Use it 3.  Get rid of it and move on

Amanda 
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Snapshots of a Family Forest Run Portland Style

Forest Park

Sunshine

Blue Skies

9 miles for me and 10 for my husband (he's training for the Vernonia Half Marathon with me in April).

With Jogger Strollers

It felt more like Cross Training of some kind.

After last night's run, getting up those hills with an extra 50 plus lbs felt tough but the sun and beautiful scenery made it all worth it!  The kids started complaining on the last several miles so that kind of put a damper on our nature bliss but it was worth being able to be together as a family on the weekend.  

These Portland Mt. Bikers know how to end a muddy bike ride with a good microbrew!

You know you're in Portland...

You can see so much of the city from up here!

Happy Boy to be out of the stroller!

This is what the stroller looked like after over an hour of snacks, mud flying and messy kids

So much for bright new and clean Mizunos.  They have been introduced to Forest Park.  Sorry Mizunos.

 The Bag says it all.  Now for a nice cold beer to go with it.  

What did you do on your Saturday?  Any fun weekend plans?  


Amanda

Return to Forest Park

First Run in Forest Park since my fall here on August 15th that led to a complete tear and multiple other tears in my hamstring.  So happy to be back here today.  The sun was out for a bit, 58ish degrees, no rain....perfect. Just my good friend Jen, the trees, and my favorite place to run.  For those of you that don't know about Forest Park, it is worth checking out, and definitely worth a visit if you are ever in Portland.  Heck, I would say that this place is reason enough just to come to the Pacific Northwest whether you have any other reason or not.  Miles and Miles of trails right in the middle of the city...land untouched by development and a treasured spot for runners, walkers, hikers, and bikers.  Really a wonderful place no matter what you are doing.  

One of the trail heads. Leif Erikson is where I've always done most my long runs.  It goes 11 miles to the next parking lot so I usually go out and come back.  Today we went out 3 to make a total of 6.  Every 1/4 mile is marked. You can also go off on smaller trails.

Definitely dog friendly.  Always water bowls for the dogs.

 My long run running partner, Jen.  Love this girl! She's been a dear friend for a long time.

Okay, I'm keeping this pic small because it is a really bad picture...especially since I'm wearing such a lovely outfit but really, can somebody help me with my stride???!  Can you say heel striker?  ouch.I think I've always run like this but there must be a better form for me.  

Playing it smart and stretching before we turn around.

What is your favorite place to run?
Amanda

How Do You Like Your Running?

My first experience as a runner was my freshman year of high school when I joined the cross country team.  Before then I would run random races that my grandfather entered me in or I'd race kids at recess to see who was the fastest but I didn't truly define myself as a runner until I discovered what it was like to feel like running was part of me.  For the first time in my life I felt like I was doing something that I was born to do.  Running filled a part of me that had never been filled.

For the next eight years I ran competitively on the track and cross country teams in high school and college.  I knew I loved to run and running helped keep me balanced and focused on my goals.  It was a way for me to release stress, deal with the emotional changes that came from adolescence, and feel centered and  in control when everything else in my life seemed the opposite.  Although I loved running and how it made me feel, it started to feel more like work.  Being on a team, having practice every day, and racing every weekend made me feel more stressed than anything.  Running became more of an obligation than a joy, and with it came the pressure to perform and live up to something I wasn't emotionally prepared for.  I felt like I always had a nervous ball in in my stomach during track and cross country season.  Every track workout felt like something I wanted to get over with instead of something I looked forward to.  I felt sick the night before races and that nervous feeling and dread continued until the race was over.  I never got into a groove where my emotional level matched my physical level.  Because of everything I was working through in life, I wasn't able to let my mind go and perform like I wanted to.  Running became a chore.  A way to pay for school.  Something on a to-do list.  Every race down was a relief until the next one came.  I hated the competition...with myself, my teammates, and the runners I raced against. 

After college is when I truly discovered what it felt to run because I wanted to.  It was the first time that I ran for ME!  I ran because I felt alive and happy.  I ran against nobody but myself.  I ran because I wanted to.  I raced because it was fun.  I found running to be an almost spiritual experience.  Some days when I'd go out in Forest Park for a long run by myself, I would feel like I was in a prayer.  It was the best form of therapy I could find.  I was finally at a place where I had worked through so much of the emotional baggage that I carried for so long.  I loved myself and my life. Finally, running was simply something I did for JOY!  I began running the times I had never been able to push myself to do before.  I was easing past barriers that I didn't know I could reach and I did it with effortlessness. 

Running is something I enjoy doing alone.  I prefer to run in solitude rather than with a pack or a running partner.  I love being alone on the road, feeling the wind in my hair, feeling my heart beat, hearing my breath and listening to what my heart and mind have to tell me.  I love the time it gives me to process my life, connect with God, let go of pain and stress and come back to myself. 

My preference to run alone may come across to some as me being a running snob. I hope not. I'm not entirely a solo runner.   Even though I much prefer to train alone, there are also times I enjoy running with a partner.  This is true especially on really long runs when I'm training for a marathon and I will practically beg my friend Jen to come keep me company to make the miles pass by. 

 Having my husband train with me when I was running my first and second marathons was wonderful too.  We eventually grew to be perfect running partners.  He knew just what gave me strength and what took energy away.  I became used to his breathing and stride and I enjoyed every run with him.  And then kids came.  Now I don't always have the choice of running alone.  Many of my runs are with a double jogger and little girl on a bike leading the way. 

 The past few days, I've been reflecting on why this preference for solitude is.  Do other runners feel this way too?  I think a huge part of my desire to train alone most of the time is because of the emotional memories I associate with training competitively for eight years.  I think I'm scared to feel like running is a chore again.  I'm scared of feeling nervous before every practice and feeling pressure to perform.  I know that things have changed since then.  I'm not the same person.  Perhaps running with a group or finding a compatible partner  to train regularly with would be good for my growth as an athlete.  In fact, I'm considering joining Team Athena, a woman's running club here in Portland.  I think getting out of my solo running sometimes will push me a bit.  Will it change my preference for training alone?  Perhaps.  Only time will tell. 

What about you?  How do you like your running?

Amanda