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| Is Crying It Out Dangerous For Kids? |
I'm feeling kind of annoyed. Not really angry but just kind rubbed the wrong way perhaps. I recently saw this article posted on facebook about crying it out being dangerous for babies and possibly resulting in such things as ADD. The facebook post came with a message stating that they were so glad that they could never bring themselves to let their babies cry no matter how difficult it got. Not sure why this rubbed me the wrong way. In fact, the person that wrote it is a dear friend who I love and respect greatly. (And I might add that this blog post isn't anything personal against that person or the people that commented in agreement.) Perhaps this facebook "share" and article in general got under my skin because parents already feel enough guilt over things they did and did not do so here is another one to add to this list. Maybe it got under my skin because so many people were liking it and saying how they never let their babies cry either and it seemed to come across like "hey, pat on the back for me! This research says I'm a better mom than you because I never let my kid cry." This wasn't what they were saying, (obviously, this was just me allowing myself to feel a certain way), but it was just the way that it was posted that got me thinking and reflecting. Fired up in an Amanda kind of way.
Did I let my babies "cry it out"? Yes and no. We used the Ferber method as mentioned in this article. We never let them cry it out when they were little babies but once they got to be older babies closer to a year, we did let them cry for certain amounts of time as we were trying to get them used to soothing themselves, sleep through the night (when they obviously didn't need to nurse/eat anymore), etc. We always let them know that we were there, they were loved, and we made sure their basic needs were met. Does this make me a better mom than someone that let their kids cry for longer or at a younger age? Absolutely not. I think there is a lot of research out there that backs up a lot of points. We see this in education, the medical field, parenting, and so much more.
I think this situation about letting babies cry it out depends on so much. Some mothers and fathers are actually better off allowing their children to cry for longer amounts of time. For their own well being and their child's. We all have different limits. And we can always take things too far. We can even take co-sleeping and never letting your baby cry too far. Different strokes for different folks.
I'm sure there is some validity to this research/study. As with most research and studies like this, there are extreme cases that go in the mix with the average "cry it out" situation. This is definitely something to talk about, present to future parents and parents who are currently facing this situation. The most important thing to take from this article is the value of nurturing and loving your babies. However, I don't think that every parent that allowed their children to cry it out should start berating themselves and freaking out that they are the reason for their children's learning problems, ADD, use of anti-depressants, etc. There just might be another cause for these issues folks so don't go hating yourself just yet.
1. So, what are your thoughts on this article? I surely think that this article is talking about more extreme cases but I think it was just the way it was posted that rubbed me the wrong way. God knows, mothers feel enough guilt as it is. This article is definitely food for thought for future parents, and those that are just now having babies. But it is no good dwelling on it for too long now that my kids are not babies any longer. What is done is done. I'm sure if they ever start antidepressants or have ADD, I'll blame myself for letting them cry it out when they were 11 months old. Kidding. :)
2. Did you ever let your baby cry it out to fall asleep, for you to get sleep, to help them learn to self soothe, or to just get a break? Or did you believe in sleeping with your child, picking them up every time they cried, etc. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here. We were right in the middle here. We were not able to really let them cry it out for too long before we picked them up and nurtured them but we did let them cry for short amounts of time. We slept with them when they were really little and had their bassinet next to our bed until about 4 or 5 months. Around 10-12 months we started helping them fall asleep on their own, fall back asleep when they woke up in the night, etc.
Amanda
I saw this article on Yahoo the other day and it bothered me too. After a certain age, yes, I let my kids "cry it out" and it was hard to do, but ultimately it worked for us. I haven't asked my Mom directly but I am pretty sure she let me cry it out more than I ever did with my kids and I think I turned out fine. There are so many factors that I would think would contribute to things like ADHD, that I felt that this was probably a stretch to say the two were linked (but I guess the study supports that conclusion.... but still, not sure I completely buy it). I always tell new parents that sleep is one of those things you will obsess over as a parent (is my kid sleeping enough, how do I get them to nap/sleep better, etc) and there is not one 'right' way to do things IMO.
ReplyDeleteMy youngest suffered from ear infections from 2 months of age and I spent many nights up with him. It didn't matter whether I picked him up or left him in his cot - he cried sometimes the whole night through, or until I realised what his problem was and gave him paracetamol. A lot of crying did not cause him to have ADD. Unfortunately some people don't understand how a scientific study should be run and espousing unfounded theories is counter-productive and unhelpful.
ReplyDeleteI like that this article was published, although I think it had some flaws.
ReplyDeleteI think there are a lot of people out there who use the Ferber method as a license to let their children "cry it out" from a very, very early age. It literally makes me feel sick when I see posts on FB about friends letting their 6, 10, 12 week old baby cry it out.
My kids didn't start sleeping through the night until about a year of age. Having twins made the sleep issues a little different than with a singleton, but not much. I did/do (21 months old now) let them cry for a few minutes if they were just fighting sleep - not if they were scared, hungry, etc.
I think there needs to be more awareness and enouragement about listening to our motherly instincts. The Ferber method isn't one size fits all, and neither is attachment parenting, Babywise, or any of the other styles of baby-rearing, and I wish more women felt empowered to make their own decisions on issues like this based on what they feel as a mother.
I've often thought about this and what approach we will take with our daughter. I know that, for the first few months, crying it out is not an option but I see nothing wrong with letting your almost 1 year old cry it out if all of their needs are met (food, diaper, warmth). I agree that kids need to learn to self-sooth at some point and as long as they know they are loved and cared for, I can't imagine it would cause ADHD. Seems like SUCH a stretch.
ReplyDeleteDid you ever read 'Happiest Baby on the Block'? I'm reading it now... so interesting!
Thanks for posting. :)
Oh, Gosh! ADD is such a complex disorder, I can't imagine how letting a kid cry would lead to it. I think it is good to let kids cry. Obviously within reason, but not letting them cry and always catering to them can prevent them for developing self soothing techniques.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that a study shows this does not mean it is true. There could be so many confounders that contributed to this result.
Oh girl.... Been there and done that. 4 times now! My youngest is 11 months old right now and we are totally going through this. In my experience there is a time for both. Personally, I have not let any of my kids cry it out when they were under 6 months old. Babies on formula may be able to sleep longer stretches at night but breastfed babies eat a little more often. My pediatrician told me that when a nursing infant cries (who is less than 6 months) it is because they are genuinely hungry and I just could not bring myself to let a hungry little baby cry no matter how much sleep I wanted. Mine were all nursing so I knew they would be sleeping shorter stretches and nursing several times through the night. It was HARD but I knew that this was just a short part of my life and I would get more sleep again someday! That being said, the same pediatrician who I love said that parents cannot let their babies run the show. (He gives the best sleep and eating pep talk!) Once they are past 6 months, waking up to eat through the night becomes a habit and only gets worse as they get older. By this age (or older) if they are on track weight-wise and developing they should be just fine not eating in the night. He encouraged me (with all 4) to start letting them cry it out after they were 6 months old. None of my children naturally started sleeping through the night on their own so I had to let them cry it out. Generally it takes 3 nights but in the end they sleep much better- and so does mommy! I have let them all cry it out at some point and never felt like they were in danger. Times they do not cry it out: under 6 months old, if they have an ear infection, cutting a tooth or if they are sick.
ReplyDeleteI agree....mom's don't need any more guilt! We do a fine job without someone telling us how we are endangering out kids! We let our little one cry it out to a certain degree. I have held firm though to keeping her in her bed and settling her down there. She is a great sleeper and actually prefers sleeping in her own bed! Each child and parent are different!
ReplyDeleteWe did Ferber also and so, yes, I think they can learn to self-soothe. And think they should learn it too. And my kids are now almost 11 and 7--no ADD in sight.
ReplyDeleteI think the most important thing is that everyone do what works for them and not judge others for what they do. We are all different and will all have different approaches. Enough of people getting on their soap boxes and judging!
Such an interesting topic!
ReplyDeleteI have 5 kids and never let them "cry it out" as infants- BUT once they get to an age where they NEED to be able to fall asleep on their own, we would let them cry for a certain amount of time. I think it is so important for children to learn to fall asleep on their own, in their own beds, the earlier the better. It is so much better for them and the parents. If we let them think they can get up whenever they cry, no one is going to be getting enough sleep and it creates a cycle that will last for years.
We never let our children sleep with us and by a year we expected them to go to sleep on their own (unless they were sick, etc). My kids are ages 3-9 now and let me just say that they all sleep like champs and none of them have even any slight signs of ADD.
We did let our kids cry (when they were on solids and no longer night feeding) and like you, made sure they knew we were there and loved and no other issues were going on - but I do think they need to learn to self soothe to an extent and this is what worked for us.
ReplyDeleteThe most important thing I've learned as a parent is that you have to do whatever works for you and your family. Lots of things I never thought I would do actually turned out to work for me as a mom. No "method" works the same for everyone and absolute opinions just create judgement, guilt, etc.
I totally agree with the guilt comment, the day I knew I was pregnant for the first time, the never ending guilt set in...
ReplyDeleteThere are definitely different modes of parenting, and I don't like the term 'crying it out' because I feel it makes us feel guilty- for teaching our kids to sleep on their own. Of course a parent should not allow their child to cry if there is something they need, but there does come a time when we ALL need some sleep, and some kids have a harder time learning. I watch a lot of friends that did not allow their kids to cry EVER, their kids are 5 or older and they still have to lie down with them in order to get them to sleep. I love my kids too, but that was not a path I chose to go down, and my kids are really great sleepers now. To each their own, but realize what you could be setting yourself up for down the road, be it choosing a sleep training method, or doing your kids homework for them.
I had to finally give in & let my 9 month old cry it out - but we did it on a gradual scale - every night we (and I mean my husband because he had to bar me from the door) would sit further & further away from the crib & speak in low soothing tones so he knew we were there but it was time to go back to sleep. It took about a week to get him to sleeping through the night & it was by far one of the toughest things we went through as parents to a newborn.
ReplyDeleteNow - looking back, 9 years later I have a happy, bright, well adjusted boy. He is at the top of his class in school & fits in great socially, with no concerns of ADHD at all. I also feel that there are so many more contributing factors then just whether or not we let our children cry it out.
I'm not going to read that article because it will rub me the wrong way too. I have twins and if I hadn't taught them (starting at about four months) to soothe themselves to sleep I would be in a mental institution by now. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteYes, this meant some crying, but it wasn't that much and it got better every night we did it. Of course there were exceptions (illness, traveling), but we always got back on the horse and we have a great bedtime routine that endures to this day. Sleep is as important as good food and exercise for kids. It's a medical fact. (And it's important for parents to have alone time together and to get their own uninterrupted sleep whenever possible.)
If you can handle sleeping with your kids and bedtimes that last hours, and if you think it's better for your family, more power to you. But don't tell me I'm a cold-hearted mom who is setting my kids up for nebulous problems later because that's not the way I do things. My kids know I love them. 'Nuff said.
Oh, it just rubs me the wrong way when moms think they are "right". Sure, there is right for your family, but even though I believe strongly in the way I parent my own children, because it is what works best for us, I would never judge another mother for taking a different approach (as long as they aren't beating their kids or locking them up, obviously). We actually approached "cry it out" differently with each child. My oldest cried no matter what. If he was in his crib, if you were pacing with him, if you were laying with him - it didn't matter. He cried himself to sleep no matter what.....so I let him cry himself to sleep in his crib starting around 6 months old. With my youngest, he was such a content baby, he never ever cried. So it was impossible to make him cry it out, because it just broke your heart to hear it when he was otherwise so happy! He had horrible reflux due to food allergies that weren't diagnosed until he was a year old. So I had to hold him upright for half an hour after he had a bottle. I would usually fall asleep, which led to a horrible co-sleeping habit that has lasted way too long. But we did the best we knew to do at the time, and now we are trying to address the co-sleeping. My mother thinks it's ridiculous, but he sleeps through the night this way, and if I try to make him sleep in his own bed he wakes up a zillion times. I wake up at 4:30 to hit the gym, and then work. I couldn't function if I had to tend to him waking up several times a night.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a mom.... But I feel like running to your kid and coddling them all the time is what has helped lead to entitled children/young adults today. I'd definitely be more of a "self-soothe" parent and want my kid to "buck up" and gain a little independence (appropriately) at each age in life. I know a girl in college now who's mom emails with her professors do she knows what kind of homework/projects the daughter has due... Ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteParents definitely don't need more guilt. Each of our kids co-slept with us and each then learned to self-soothe. It worked for us...
ReplyDeleteI was relieved to find next to her article that, "This is an opinion blog, not a set of research articles, intended for the public not scientists. For more nuanced and highly referenced work, look at my academic work."
ReplyDeleteI think this article speaks of extremes. I also THINK from the limited internet research I did on the author, that she has great book smarts, but lacks the experience of being a parent.
ReplyDeleteI used the baby whisperer to sleep train my babies and so they DID cry but I never left the room. I guess it's somewhere in the middle. I stood by their bed and continually used my ca voice to comfort and reassure and sometimes a firm hand on their chest but I was trying to get them to learn to self sooth instead of needing to be bounced, rocked etc. it worked. It was hard standing there listening to a baby scream but I just couldn't wlk out and leave them to cry alone so the BW method was perfect for me. I have lots of friends who used the Ferber method and I think each parent needs to decide what is best for their child and also what is best for their parenting abilities and limits. You are an incredible mother and I wouldn't let this get under your skin. Some people really need to get off their high horses and be more sensitive to whom they might be offending around them.
ReplyDeleteSee - I KNEW I missed you bad! Yes I did let mine cry it out. A few nights of controlled crying and we were all sleeping through the night and better for it. I TOTALLY get where you're coming from on your response to others on this - I never told anyone (other than my mother) that I was doing this as I knew that people would disapprove and make me feel like a "bad" mother. Bottom line - when you parent with love and great intentions, there are massive grey areas and you have to navigate them as you know best. You can inform yourself but this judgmental attitude is completely unhelpful.
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ReplyDeleteI'm so glad my children are grown. They cried - it's how they expressed themselves when they were hungry, angry, hurt, etc. - and they grew up perfectly normal and not manipulative. Maybe we were just lucky.
ReplyDeleteMy opinion is that a good parent has to decide when is the right time to cry it out. If you are trying to train a child for something- like not crying when it's time for bed, then it makes sense to let them cry it out because you don't want to reward them with getting mom or dad when it's time to sleep. Letting them cry on without comfort in some situations is neglect and abusive.
ReplyDeleteI think those "yay, pat me on the back, accordingly to this study, I didn't screw my kids up" posts on facebook are a little silly. Well, they are more than silly, they are guilt inducing. We could all find a study or 12 telling us how much we've royalled effed up our kids as well as 12 that says we saved them from x, y or z. The guilt and the divisiveness is not helpful. That said, I appreciate the continued research and news on the detriments of crying to extinction as a way to train babies. I disagree with the premise of cry-it-out as an effective baby training method. Well even more so, I disagree that your baby needs to be trained. (I need to note that I do not think putting your child down when you have exhausted all possible ways to calm them and they have been crying for quite some time as a way to regain your composure thus protecting both the child and yourself is not the "cry it out" I am referring to. I am more speaking of baby training.
ReplyDeleteBut as my blog says, I am *that* mom. I'm the mom whose kids still done sleep through the night all that often at the ages of 2 and 4, who nursed both of them well into toddlerhood, and has a family bed where the whole family sleeps for at least part of most nights.
Regardless of my thoughts and the choices I've made on raising my children, I agree that the guilt fest is not helpful, it's not educational, and it's not supportive of moms doing the best they can with the resources they have. I saw the article on Facebook and chose not to share it because I didn't think it would be constructive.
We let our kids 'cry it out' after a certain age and again, made sure all needs were met. "Babywise" is big in some of the circles I used to run in as a young mom and I personally believe that book is an extreme (not a huge fan of the extreme)---however, I think most approaches, like babywise, can be adapted to the parent and child. We are all different. It's the parents that think their way is the only way that really rub me the wrong way.
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