A LOADED Post: Love, Listening, Guilt, Goals, Boston, Not Running, Jumping into Jeans and MORE.

It's official.  I can't get my jeans on in a normal way.  No running, combined with eating whatever I feel like and drinking one too many beers on a warm summer evening, means that I now know what my friend means when she speaks of jumping off her dresser into her jeans to get them all the way up.  And even then, I can just...barely...button them.  And when I do, I kind of walk like a duck with them on.  I suppose this could have something to do with the DOMS that has come from a new weekly routine of getting on the exercise bike.  Oh, my BUNS!

But even with this jean predicament, I'm actually pretty happy today.  Just another season in life.  And besides, I like having challenges.  New Goal:  Stop eating and drinking like college Amanda so that you can fit in your jeans without walking around like an overstuffed suitcase.  It's ON JEANS.  Bring it!  I don't mess around when it comes to goals.  Ha!

Speaking of goals, I think it is time for some new ones.  But first, just a bit of random to kick start this Monday:

• Sometime this week (probably tomorrow), I'll be doing a giveaway for an Endorphin Warrior bracelet and telling you about how much I LOVE mine.  I'm sure you won't be surprised to hear the good things I have to say since there have been many of you who already have one or have read about them recently.  The thing I'm looking forward to the most is sharing with you the story behind the WARRIOR....I plan on telling you a little bit about how Endorphin Warrior came to be and about the man that created the products.  As most of you know, I rarely do giveaways or reviews on here...I try to save them for when I really like something.  And as with most things in life, I care about the heart and soul behind the face so I really enjoyed learning more about how this company came to be.  And I think you will too.  

• My post on Friday was about Listening. And mostly about listening to the children in our world. They truly are wise and I believe with my whole heart that God speaks through them in special ways.  The next few weeks I'm going to keep working on making it a habit to really listen to the things my kids are saying instead of that tired "Yes, honey" that comes with lazy listening.  And listening but not HEARING because of the clutter in my head.  
• About this self-work that I've been referring to lately.... You know, the work I DIDN'T ask for?  Do we ever?  The work that has just started to unfold even though I thought that I'd done more self-work than anyone could possibly do.  Apparently there is more.  And Goodness, I AM SO THANKFUL for my ability to reflect and process in words.  Without that, I'd be a ball of all kinds of confusing feelings and mountains of thoughts that would bury me.  I'm realizing more and more that my ability to communicate my feelings with writing has been up there with the greatest gifts in my gift bag.  Thank you for this Gift God...it is so freeing for me.
• One of the things I know that I've always struggled with (and many of you have seen me struggle with on this blog) is being WAY TOO HARD on myself.  Feeling guilt for not doing things as good as I think I should...motherhood, friendship, etc.  And not always feeling WORTHY of RECEIVING LOVE.  These are BIG things that I'm processing and working on right now and you know, I'm so HAPPY to see them coming to a head in a way that I've never seen before.  They have come from all sorts of things:  Religious abuse, having a father die, relationships, etc.   Although I've always known that I'm too hard on myself or that I feel guilt for things that I'm really doing better at than I give myself credit for, I haven't been able to change that.  And I haven't truly been able to RECEIVE all the love from myself and others even though I do mostly.  But something is different today.  Or this week.  but really, big INSIGHTS last night and I woke up feeling kind of different today.  Certainly HAPPY.  This bullet will be an entire blog post someday.  Maybe a book.  Maybe I'll finally write MY book.  And maybe this big piece to the Amanda puzzle that I'm kind of filling you in on (but not really), is just what I needed for everything.  More later.  
• Where's the RUNNING RUNNINGHOOD?  Oh yes, running.  Hmmm, well, I'm being SMART here.  My left foot seems to go on and off with good and bad days when it comes to the discomfort I've been feeling.  I know how out of control Plantar Faciitis can get so I'm just keeping a level head about this.  I'm not going to just run through it and hope it goes away because that could keep me out of running for MUCH longer.  Rather, I'm sitting out until my foot is 100%.  I'm trying to remember to stretch, roll, tape, and send happy thoughts that way.  Ha!  I've been trying to get on the bike at the gym so that I can at least sweat and keep some fitness, despite the fact that I won't be fitting in my clothes in another week.  :)  Teasing.  I just need to find the balance between burning fewer calories, gaining MUCH fewer endorphins, eating appropriately, and doing the small things that REALLY ADD UP:  core work, stretching, icing, rolling, positive thinking and keeping my eye on the goal to get healthy.  PATIENCE.  I'm convinced that injury ALWAYS makes us stronger when we come out it.
• Boston Registration.  I've officially decided to register for Boston 2013.  I won't be able to register until Friday since my qualifying time was only 7 minutes under.  So, I'm hopeful that I'll get in but if I don't, I'm okay with that too.  A few weeks ago, I wasn't going to register because of most likely moving to NC and not knowing what is in store for me with this Plantar Faciitis, etc.  But you know, I think I will kick myself if I don't at least TRY to get in and have the option to go.  I know myself...I can change my mind easily.  
• One good thing that comes from no running:  I write more.  I used to say that running gave me the motivation to write.  But you know, not running much at all has meant so much more writing for me.  In my journals, on here, in e-mail.  The energy that would go into training has gone to my spirit and mind.  All sorts of ideas are rolling around up there in this head of mine and as long as I can get some exercise, I think this could be a good thing for my writing.  

I hear my son waking up.  Man, I got lucky.  He slept until 8:30!  And the girls are already at school.  And I got an entire blog post written even if it was just a bulleted ramble of random. But I'm beginning to see that my random rambling posts are often the posts where some of the biggest nuggets of treasure (my insights for myself) are buried.

  Some quick goals for this week and some for always:

1. Listen (and look).  To life.  To the Universe.  To my Children.  To Messages/signs given along the way.  And to my inner voice.  
2. Allow myself to FEEL LOVE.  Really and Truly.  Love from others and love from myself.  I. AM. Worthy.  Again, this goes deeper than just what I write here...another post for another time. But some BIG insights lately.  yay!  
3. Get rid of GUILT!  Life is too damn short to always be feeling guilty about something.  Guilt for not exercising enough, guilt for not being a good enough mother, guilt for not eating the right foods, guilt for not writing that Thank You card, guilt for not ________.  Fuck You guilt.  And I'm not feeling guilty for saying that either.  Okay, maybe I'll come back and delete it.  Ha ha!  But not really, I think in this situation, with as strongly as I feel about this, the F word  is the perfect word to use.  And those of you that are offended, well, I can either hope that you can see that I have other sides and don't typically throw the F word around or maybe this isn't the blog for you.  
4. Eat healthy, Be STILL more often (yoga, stretching, prayer), and find alternative ways to exercise.  
5. Continue Being Open to Change and RECEIVING what comes my way.  
6. Express Gratitude to the people in my life.    

Happy Monday!

Amanda

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In the Meantime...Reflections on Change, Parenting, and Life.

The clock is ticking.  Well, it is always ticking.  But I can actually HEAR it.  Quiet house.  Sleeping kids.  Still morning.  And despite the grey Portland skies that I've come to just  expect these days (even in summer) and the sore throat and hurt ear I woke up with (immune system down down down), I'm feeling content and happy to have this time.  Just 
ME
Coffee
Summer Song of Birds outside my french doors
and
Time to REFLECT.

Life is always better when I have this time. I start my day a more grounded person.  I'm a more patient mother.  My head ends up being clearer so that I can focus on the little people around me with intention and sincere interest.  I'm overall just MORE PRESENT in my life. Not sure why I still haven't forced myself to be an early morning person so that I can have this time every day. Note to self.  But I guess I love my sleep way too much so I usually find myself starting my days with the wild rumble of a 
THREE YEAR OLD BOY!  
Enough said.  At least for my three year old boy.  Pretty sure this is the year that I start going grey. 

I'm finding myself in that in-between place that we come to at various times in our life.  I feel like I'm almost at a big transition in life...the next chapter...a new book even.  "The Meantime".   I've never been good with this time.  It forces me to slow down and just wait.  It forces me to be present in the moment and trust that things will unfold just as they are supposed to.  And more than anything, I'm led to do some mental work...reflection, goal setting, and self work while I wait for things to happen. This is the waiting phase before the next big wave of change comes.  These times in life are such blessings, really.  So beneficial to growth so I'm rolling with it.  Even if I do feel impatient and frustrated at not having a PLAN set in STONE.  I'm practicing patience and stillness.  Listening to what life has to teach me.  

So....
In the Meantime....

Some Bullets, Goals and Randoms:

• This has been a great summer with my kids.  Despite the normal sibling fights and whining, it has been such a nice time in life.  However, towards the end here, I do find myself going into "zone out mommy mode".  My goal for today is to really try to be more plugged in to THEM and not other things...phone, computer, other people, plans, etc. 
• I'm not a huge yeller but I'll admit, I do lose my patience with my kids and end up responding with a yell, growl, irritated look, etc.  I wouldn't like it if this was how others responded to me when I screw up.  So, I'm really making it a huge goal to just take that extra deep breath and count before I respond to my kids when they are misbehaving.  I'm the teacher here.  I model behavior for them.  Gosh, so hard to get this one down.  If I act like a tantruming brat...they will too.  
• Husband and I planning a trip to Asheville, NC.  Really excited to check this place out.  And it just might have something to do with the next big change in our lives.  We'll see when we visit.  
• Change.  Change-up in life can be such a healthy thing for us if it is for the right reasons.  Getting out of our comfort zones, stretching ourselves to do things that we once feared, taking steps to making our dreams come true even when it is so damn scary, making new friends, traveling to new places, starting new jobs....These things almost always make us a better US. They allow us to grow in new ways and experience FRESH life-soil that keeps us thriving. Most of the time, I believe that when we are ready for change, the changes will come naturally. Things will just unfold and it won't seem forced.  It is up to us to be open to allowing things to happen when it is right. The past few years have been wonderful.  I've enjoyed my home, neighborhood, job as a SAHM, etc.  I've been so content and happy. I haven't felt the need to have too many changes in my life but rather to really embrace just where I have been. And I'm still happy and loving my life.  But I'm ready for something fresh. It's almost like I'm a plant ready for a new pot...I've grown wonderfully in the pot/soil that I've been in and our whole family has thrived!  And now, it is clear to me in so many ways, that I'm ready for some new soil...a different life-pot perhaps.  We all are.  I'm not entirely sure what this new pot will mean for my life.  Maybe it is just a new volunteer opportunity or training for another big race.  Travel?  A move?  A writing opportunity?  At this point, I'm pretty sure we are ready to make a big move for a year or two.  We are ready to go some place new to us and spread our wings a bit.  I think this time away will help us grow as a family and give us time to reflect on what we really want for our family when it comes to settling in a home for the long haul (until kids grow up).  A temporary move might give us that "step-back" time to make some big decisions about where we want to be when we return to Oregon...neighborhood, type of living (rural, suburban, urban....),etc.  Our kids are still young and open to adventure so this works in our favor.  And our close friends and family are fully behind us with love and support.  Even jobs are lining up perfectly.  So, all signs point to change....now, for the meantime.  It will be interesting to see what this next school year holds as we approach a possible move.  What a great time to truly pour myself into making this one of the most memorable years we've had in this house...for myself, my husband and my children.  

So many other things on my mind that I could write about this morning.  But time is up.  I'll end with sharing this picture/quote by one of my favorite authors, Roald Dahl.  This was shared on the Teaching Children Meditation facebook site.  Always love what they share.  

Happy Thursday,
Amanda 

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