What's up with fear? It's such a sneaky little bugger. It creeps in and tries to hold us back from so damn much: starting and following through with our biggest dreams, accepting and flowing with change, trying new things, receiving things we never thought we'd have. Fear is sly. Tricky. It disguises itself as rational or safe. Fear settles. It keeps us where we are, convinces us we are comfortable and that things are "good enough." It distracts us and says
"You Can't."
"Who do you think you are?"
"Why bother?"
"Think of all the things that could go wrong...aren't you comfortable just the way you are?"
It seems that when fear creeps in my life, it always takes me at least a little while of feeling paralyzed by it before I realize what's going on enough to ignore it so I'm not held back in my same old life grooves, never to move forward.
6-10-14
Dear Fear,
I've recognized you these last few weeks. I've even let you to stay awhile. I've been hospitable and let you take part in our daily activities. However, I'm ready for you to go. I want to be present and joyful about this next chapter in life. In fact, I really wish you would stay away for good now. You seem to make everything else in life seem so much harder. Impossible even. There's no place for you in my life if I'm ever going to live the life I know I'm meant to live. No place at all. So, I send you on your way and I hope to find many other things to fill your void: gratitude, goals, love, people and things that inspire, and friends that support, encourage and believe in me.
Signed,
Me
We signed on a house last night! In Bend, Oregon. Yup, things are getting real now. Since we are currently living on the east side of the country, my husband and I had to fly out separately to look at houses and get a feel for our new home. Him first. Then me. Oh wow, what a process! I never thought finding a house that I'd spend the next many years of my life in would be so difficult. Not just because the market in Bend is crazy right now but because somehow, in this process of selecting a home for my family, I've let it define me. I've had to really wrestle with some old ideas of who I am and what I've always imagined for my life and I've had to come to terms with the ever present truth that CHANGE is INEVITABLE. Change is constant. It can't be avoided. With life. With US. Our beliefs. The way we see the world. Our children. The places we end up. Our jobs. Change is what life is. We change. The things and people around us change. We can either flow with it, accept it and eventually embrace it or we can fight it tooth and nail and let fear tell us to resist.
I'm ready to accept and embrace.
I'm ready to accept that sometimes what is best for us isn't what we expected. Sometimes, like with the purchase of our new house and moving to Bend, it is MORE than we expected. It is pretty neat to see how life unfolds just as it is meant to be. The house we signed on is really like no house I ever saw myself settling in for the bigger stretch of raising my kids. On paper it fits more than most of the criteria we wrote down on our wish list for a home but in my mind and from looking at it all from the outside, it has taken some readjusting and shift in perspective to get used to the idea. We made a wish list to work with before our home search so working with our realtors would be easier. On our list was (not in order): a bigger yard, space for the kids to play, a room for each kid and room to have family and friends visit, community, good schools, a house that would be good for entertaining and be the house our kids and their friends would want to hang out at, closeness to running trails, lots of natural light, TREES, and a few other dream things that I knew weren't going to be a for sure thing like charm, front porch, etc. I've struggled so much with this decision but this is the house we kept coming back to for what fits our family the best even though it took me some time to see it as the house that we would ultimately decide on.
I'm ready to be happy and stop second guessing it.
Before making an offer, I took a short run along the river trail that is steps from the house. I tried to soak it all in the best I could. I tried to be calm and not let fear stop me in my tracks. I'm so thankful for the friends I have in my life that have helped me process these big changes. One dear friend and old neighbor in Portland was there on that still morning in such a perfect way. She spoke words that were just what I needed to hear:
"Sometimes over thinking makes it too hard. If you really think this is your first choice then you should go for it. If your gut say otherwise, listen to it. But if fears says otherwise, tell it to off and move forward. If you let fear make the decisions in the past, you wouldn't have had your wonderful time in North Carolina."
Our house (as soon as closing goes through...that's a waiting process in itself) is bigger than I ever wanted. It has more space and rooms that we need but not too much that we won't use it. It is steps away from the river trail system along the Deschutes River where we can run for miles and miles on dirt trail and never have to get in our car. Although I never saw myself as wanting a community pool or fitness area that comes with a HOA, I'm embracing that too because I know my kids will love it. There is no old charm, front porch, or deck with a view. No small town feel like where we live now unless you count walking .7 miles to the neighborhood store/coffee shop but we will be 4 miles from downtown Bend, a city of under 80,000 and just under 3 miles to the popular
Old Mill area. There is really no real suburbia in Bend...more neighborhoods but definitely more of a suburb feel with where we will live. But hey, that's a good place for families and eventually we will be at a place in life where living in an old charmer in the heart of a small city or town will make more sense (financially, space, resources, etc.) and serve our needs. It seems that all the things we wanted for our home and family are coming to be even if it has taken a different form than I imagined. Some of the best things in my life have happened this way! This is one of the things I love the most about life and we almost always gain wisdom and new insight in the process of shifting and accepting.
We have about a month left here in Asheville, North Carolina. I'm excited! Today, I'm bagging up my fear and second guessing and I'm setting my sights on the present and the many wonderful things to look forward to! I'm receiving and giving thanks.
Video of my first trail run near our new house (literally a minute away):
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| My morning run before making an offer on our new home wasn't much of a run but it did give me a chance to soak things up a bit. |
Intentions for My Now:
- Be present and soak up these last weeks in a place I love so so much.
- Accept change and find the good in it without resistance.
- Give thanks for life and this new house, place to live, last year of travel....everything. Life is good. So much to be thankful for.
- Be open for new opportunities.
- Breathe.
- Gear up for Grandma's Marathon in 2 weeks and allow myself to be where I am. The past few weeks have been much harder than I expected when it comes to training for a marathon. I'm not sure what I was thinking. Ha! But I'm going to make the most of it and enjoy my time in Duluth with one of my best friends at an awesome marathon.
- Think positive and expect the best!!
- Continue dreaming and believing.
- Give my son an awesome Ninjago party tomorrow!
