Missing Asheville: A Little Sad. Validating Our Own Feelings

"I do love Bend. So much about it...the quality of life, the people, the fact that everything I need is within a 7 mile radius, the extremely fit and healthy population that makes me feel like I'm in some kind of bubble (probably am), the trails, schools, food, neighborhood (kids play the entire day with friends), the house, our backyard...it's great. However, I also think I'm allowed to miss my home in Weaverville/Asheville too. I miss so much tonight: My front porch, the warm mornings and evenings, fireflies, humidity (yes, I miss that too), the walks to the library and around the block to witness breathtaking sunsets over the Blue Ridge mountains, Well Bred bakery, the cute little library, my bench in the nature park, friends, the coming fall where the entire outside world will be a breathtaking display of colors that nothing can quite compare to. I know Bend will become that for me too...it already is. But for now, tonight, I'm feeling some major love for the home in my heart back in North Carolina. Feeling grateful to have lived in some cool places! And wishing I had some sort of secret power where I could be in either place with the snap of my fingers." --My thoughts from a few days ago.

Life sure has been a whirlwind lately.  An exciting whirlwind but a whirlwind all the same.  Really, the last year and a half  has been like this.  As many of you know, in March 2013, we moved our family of five from Portland, OR to Asheville, NC for an opportunity to live somewhere we'd never lived before for a little over a year.  We were grateful for the opportunity and excited for the adventure.  With our temporary move to Asheville,  came lots of travel along the east coast, living in a small but charming old house in a small town, meeting new friends, and discovering a place I had no idea I'd love so so very much. I've written about this lots but the big story of how this came to be is here:  Take the Leap: Grow Your Heart. And We're Moving to Bend.

 I knew we'd be taking a huge leap of faith in moving all the way across the country for only a year or so but I also knew that it's often these leaps of faith that open some of the most amazing doors in our lives.  It certainly opened those doors.  It led us to a place I loved more than any other place I've ever lived. And it led to a year or so of incredible growth.  It was a safe place for me to work through some things, heal, and find my way to begin this next chapter in my life.  Living there gave me a place to start fresh and discover myself and life in ways I never would have otherwise.  I'm forever thankful for this time.  I'm beyond thankful that we were able to move back to Oregon and settle in Bend.  It truly is an incredible place to live.  I feel lucky indeed.  But, I'm also struggling a little.

Change is hard.  Period.  It just is.  And just because we are living a good life and in a place where people would love to be, it doesn't mean I shouldn't allow myself  to feel sad if that's where I'm at with things.  The past few days have been hard for me.  Although I'm happy and excited to be here, there's also such a big part of me that hurts in saying goodbye to a place that filled me so completely.  My heart sang in Asheville.  I ache for it.  If I close my eyes I can feel myself there again, wrapped in the Blue Ridge Mountains, running on my favorite path around Beaver Lake, and sitting on my front porch watching the fireflies come out. I can feel the warm morning air and see the glorious sunsets that were there for me when I'd head out on my evening runs. I hear the birds that sang morning, noon and night. I can see the large old house across from ours...its craftsman charm and old front porch, smiling at me and telling me I was home.  I miss it.

I miss it so much. Today was especially hard.  The tears were right there on the surface, ready to pour out no matter how hard I tried to stuff them in.  Its been an internal struggle for me.  I've almost berated myself for my feelings.  I've told myself that I have no right to be sad when I'm living in this gorgeous house in a place people would LOVE beyond anything to live.  I keep yelling at myself to just be happy and focus on all that I have and stop feeling sad about saying goodbye to something I knew all along was temporary.  I've found myself scolding myself for sounding ungrateful and not counting my blessings (even though I do...daily!).  I even make lists of all the things in the world that are really worth feeling sad about and tell myself how silly it is to feel sad in my situation.  I tell myself things like:

"Gee, Amanda, you're really being a brat.  You have trails at your finger tips, a gorgeous house, sunshine, family, mountains...everything you wanted!! There are people with real things to be sad about.  There are so many people that can't even afford to travel or buy a house at all and here you are whining about missing  a place you were lucky enough to travel to in the first place! Who does that?  Moves across the country, travels the east coast, lives a completely different life, and then still gets to move back to a place like Bend, OR.  Gee wiz, lady, what's your problem?!"  

I know how much I have to be happy about.  And I am happy.  I know all that I have to be thankful for. And I am thankful.  I know all this. I know that there are people going through REAL and BIG and HURTFUL things in life...there are people dying, dealing with serious illness and poverty, war and so so much. Yes, I'm more than sensitive to this fact.  It all makes me feel so ridiculous writing an entire  blog post about being SAD about leaving a place I love.  Almost makes me laugh if I think about it...

But...

I'm ready to just let myself Feel what I Feel and BE where I AM Today.  

I just found this picture that was actually taken/written right when we moved to Asheville and before the 2013 Boston Marathon.  This was one of my very first walks on the path around Beaver Lake...a path that I would end up running countless miles on!  I did many a long run on this path!

I think it's okay to allow myself to feel sad today.  It's okay to feel happy too.  Even to feel extremely happy and sad in the same breath.  It's okay to feel what we feel...even when our feelings and hard spots seem so insignificant compared to so many in the world.  It's okay to BE where we ARE!  And it's okay to miss something that we love.  Maybe that's just what I NEED to do: Allow myself to grieve a bit...because that's what it is: A little bit of grief for a place and a community I didn't want to leave.  I think that by allowing myself to feel sad without worrying about how I come across to others or myself, I will then be able to move on FULLY and be my best self.  I think this is true with so many things in our life: When we validate our own feelings and allow ourselves to be where we are without worrying what we SHOULD feel, think and act like, we give ourselves permission to grow at our own pace and stand as we are.    

So, there I AM.  A little sad today.  That's okay.  I'm happy too.  I can be both, right?  I already feel better after writing my feelings and allowing myself some process time!  I needed it!

Just writing this post has helped me feel ready to move on and start LIVING whole heartedly here in Bend.  There's so much to do and see and my kids are happier than ever.  There's new races to try (perhaps my first 50k trail race), mountains to climb, date nights, friends to meet and MEMORIES to make!  And I have a feeling I'll be back to Asheville to say hello from time to time!

Have you ever felt something you almost didn't allow yourself to feel because it seemed silly or insignificant compared to everything else in life? 

Amanda
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A few of my favorite posts from when I was in Asheville:

Beautiful Life and Treasured Moments: Worth Slowing Down 

Six Months

Mindful Running, Living for the Now, and Moving Forward with Willingness and Intention

Smile, Wave, Say Hello.  It Really Does Make a Difference.  

All Things Running

In Love with a City

Snapshot Run in Asheville, NC

Dear Fear: Scram! And Hello to New House and Chapters in Life!

What's up with fear? It's such a sneaky little bugger.  It creeps in and tries to hold us back from so damn much:  starting and following through with our biggest dreams, accepting and flowing with change, trying new things, receiving things we never thought we'd have.  Fear is sly.  Tricky. It disguises itself as rational or safe.  Fear settles.  It keeps us where we are, convinces us we are comfortable and that things are "good enough." It distracts us and says
"You Can't."
"Who do you think you are?"
"Why bother?"
"Think of all the things that could go wrong...aren't you comfortable just the way you are?"
 It seems that when fear creeps in my life, it always takes me at least a little while of feeling paralyzed by it before I realize what's going on enough to ignore it so I'm not held back in my same old life grooves, never to move forward.

6-10-14
Dear Fear,
I've recognized you these last few weeks.  I've even let you to stay awhile.  I've been hospitable and let you take part in our daily activities.  However, I'm ready for you to go.  I want to be present and joyful about this next chapter in life. In fact, I really wish you would stay away for good now.  You seem to make everything else in life seem so much harder.  Impossible even.  There's no place for you in my life if I'm ever going to live the life I know I'm meant to live.  No place at all.  So, I send you on  your way and I hope to find many other things to fill your void: gratitude, goals, love, people and things that inspire, and friends that support, encourage and believe in me.    
Signed,
Me

We signed on a house last night!  In Bend, Oregon.  Yup, things are getting real now.  Since we are currently living on the east side of the country, my husband and I had to fly out separately to look at houses and get a feel for our new home.  Him first.  Then me.  Oh wow, what a process!  I never thought finding a house that I'd spend the next many years of my life in would be so difficult.  Not just because the market in Bend is crazy right now but because somehow, in this process of selecting a home for my family, I've let it define me. I've had to really wrestle with some old ideas of who I am and what I've always imagined for my life and I've had to come to terms with the ever present truth that CHANGE is INEVITABLE. Change is constant.  It can't be avoided.  With life.  With US.  Our beliefs. The way we see the world.  Our children.  The places we end up.  Our jobs.  Change is what life is.  We change.  The things and people around us change.  We can either flow with it, accept it and eventually embrace it or we can fight it tooth and nail and let fear tell us to resist.

I'm ready to accept and embrace.

I'm ready to accept that sometimes what is best for us isn't what we expected. Sometimes, like with the purchase of our new house and moving to Bend, it is MORE than we expected.  It is pretty neat to see how life unfolds just as it is meant to be.  The house we signed on is really like no house I ever saw myself settling in for the bigger stretch of raising my kids.  On paper it fits more than most of the criteria we wrote down on our wish list for a home but in my mind and from looking at it all from the outside, it has taken some readjusting and shift in perspective to get used to the idea. We made a wish list to work with before our home search so working with our realtors would be easier.  On our list was (not in order): a bigger yard, space for the kids to play, a room for each kid and room to have family and friends visit, community, good schools, a house that would be good for entertaining and be the house our kids and their friends would want to hang out at, closeness to running trails, lots of natural light, TREES, and a few other dream things that I knew weren't going to be a for sure thing like charm, front porch, etc.  I've struggled so much with this decision but this is the house we kept coming back to for what fits our family the best even though it took me some time to see it as the house that we would ultimately decide on.

 I'm ready to be happy and stop second guessing it.

Before making an offer, I took a short run along the river trail that is steps from the house.  I tried to soak it all in the best I could. I tried to be calm and not let fear stop me in my tracks.  I'm so thankful for the friends I have in my life that have helped me process these big changes.  One dear friend and old neighbor in Portland was there on that still morning in such a perfect way.  She spoke words that were just what I needed to hear:

"Sometimes over thinking makes it too hard.  If you really think this is your first choice then you should go for it.  If your gut say otherwise, listen to it.  But if fears says otherwise, tell it to off and move forward.  If you let fear make the decisions in the past, you wouldn't have had your wonderful time in North Carolina."

Our house (as soon as closing goes through...that's a waiting process in itself) is bigger than I ever wanted.  It has more space and rooms that we need but not too much that we won't use it.  It is steps away from the river trail system along the Deschutes River where we can run for miles and miles on dirt trail and never have to get in our car.  Although I never saw myself as wanting a community pool or fitness area that comes with a HOA, I'm embracing that too because I know my kids will love it.  There is no old charm, front porch, or deck with a view.  No small town feel like where we live now unless you count walking .7 miles to the neighborhood store/coffee shop but we will be 4 miles from downtown Bend, a city of under 80,000 and just under 3 miles to the popular Old Mill area.  There is really  no real suburbia in Bend...more neighborhoods but definitely more of a suburb feel with where we will live.  But hey, that's a good place for families and eventually we will be at a place in life where living in an old charmer in the heart of a small city or town will make more sense (financially, space, resources, etc.) and serve our needs.  It seems that all the things we wanted for our home and family are coming to be even if it has taken a different form than I imagined.  Some of the best things in my life have happened this way! This is one of the things I love the most about life and we almost always gain wisdom and new insight in the process of shifting and accepting.

We have about a month left here in Asheville, North Carolina. I'm excited!  Today, I'm bagging up my fear and second guessing and I'm setting my sights on the present and the many wonderful things to look forward to!  I'm receiving and giving thanks.

Video of my first trail run near our new house (literally a minute away):

My morning run before making an offer on our new home wasn't much of a run but it did give me a chance to soak things up a bit.  

Intentions for My Now:  

• Be present and soak up these last weeks in a place I love so so much.  
• Accept change and find the good in it without resistance.
• Give thanks for life and this new house, place to live, last year of travel....everything.  Life is good.  So much to be thankful for.
• Be open for new opportunities.  
• Breathe.
• Gear up for Grandma's Marathon in 2 weeks and allow myself to be where I am.  The past few weeks have been much harder than I expected when it comes to training for a marathon.  I'm not sure what I was thinking.  Ha! But I'm going to make the most of it and enjoy my time in Duluth with one of my best friends at an awesome marathon.  
• Think positive and expect the best!!  
• Continue dreaming and believing.  
• Give my son an awesome Ninjago party tomorrow! 

Amanda

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