Day 3: Project Begin Again.

"A true human being is never what he or she appears to be.  Rub your eyes and look again." -Rumi

I admit, it's hard coming here to write after such a long day.  However, I did get a chance to write some intentions and gratitude in my journal today between work and picking up my kids from school.  Despite feeling exhausted right this very moment, I am feeling darn happy with my day.  Starting with an early wake up, 3 mile treadmill run, coffee, shower, lunches made, kids off to school, fabulous day of being with kids in the classroom, got all my kids to where they needed to be for sports and play dates, AND fit in another treadmill run (while my son drew pictures next to me) before making dinner and driving kids around again!  Wahoo!

Gosh, I haven't even written a paragraph yet and already, I'm feeling more relaxed.  Maybe it has something to do with the clicking of these computer keys.  Oh, yes, I forgot to mention this in my last gratitude:  I got a new computer.  Some of my friends and family knew that my old laptop (that I got back in 2011 when I had just begun my blog) was stolen in Thailand on our trip there this last December.  I was sad about the computer but I was MOSTLY sad sad sad about the fact that all my pictures from the last 5 years were on that computer. :(  I never backed them up.  :( I know, stupid.  Luckily, I have used Facebook quite a bit over the years so I have pictures and videos of my kids there but I still feel sad when I think of all that was on there.  Sad, but also grateful that that was ALL they took.  Anyway, long story short, my husband surprised me with similar version (one I like better) of the laptop I had before.  I'm excited to write again... from anywhere.  For myself, on this blog, long emails to dear friends...

Ok, on to Day 3 of Project Begin Again.  

For the sake of keeping my goals for this project before me, I'll begin my posts with this:

So, here's how this will go. 

1. I will write something on here every day for 38 days because that is how many days until my 50k.  
2. I will keep in simple!!! Some days will consist of three sentences if that's all I have.   
3. I will write for me.  
4. I will try very hard NOT to compare my old Runninghood self to the Amanda typing today.  
5. I will keep my posts to daily gratitude, intentions and.... because how can we not feel sad, heavy hearted and powerless at so much happening in our world...I will include at least one small way I can or have done something to make the world a better place (this can be as simple and powerful as helping my child learn a lesson about love and kindness).  
6. Why am I doing this?  To Begin Again.  Just as with training for a marathon when we put in our daily workouts, I want to get into the habit of focusing on the things that make me happy and my intentions for making my life what I want. Writing helps me with this.  

Day 3:

Intentions (Many of these intentions are long term so I will likely mention them more than once.):   

• Practice Spanish as a family....each of us in our own account on Duolingo.  Yes!  We all did this today.  It meant making all my kids sit down before bed to do it but we got it in!  Love this program/App.  If you haven't heard of it,  you should check it out.  I feel like we are all learning fast.  Now to stick with it.  
• Continue making family dinner a priority at least a few times a week.  This is our time to talk, share, laugh, and support each other with whatever comes up.  As the kids get older, the schedule gets busier and busier and we end up eating on the run, standing up in the kitchen, and at staggered times as people get home from practices, work, playdates, etc.  
• Keep making time for two-a-day workouts this week!  It's definitely a balance.  
• Continue making time for the little parts to fitness that build strength, core, etc.  Over spring break my mom (who used to be a personal fitness trainer/body builder) gave me some good workouts to try.  She also told me I haven't been doing my pull ups the "correct" way.  Whatever that means (I guess body builder pull ups)... I listened.  :)  

My mom snapped this to show me my pull up form when she was schooling me on the "correct" body building pull up form.  She's a tough trainer!  

Gratitude:

• Feeling safe in my community.  I read the news sometimes and often feel so sad.  Honestly, if I read too much, I feel scared.  Then I feel powerless and so heartbroken.  I lose hope.  But I also realize how thankful I am to live in a place where I don't live in fear on a daily basis.  
• Seeing my oldest daughter fly through the Hunger Games books that I once read and loved.  The rule in our house is I want them to read the book before they can watch a movie made from a book.  I love seeing her love reading right now!  
• Grateful for TRAVEL:  Past and Future Travels.  Thailand in December was a dream...went way too fast but it is as trip I cherish.  And I'm already dreaming of the next big adventure with our family.  
• My home.  
• Special friendships that really are family too.  I'm so so so excited to see one of these friends soon. A friend I actually met through my blog YEARS ago but has come to be like a sister.  
• 2 runs fit in today.  The fist was only 3 miles (8:30, 8:30, 7:14).  The second was 5 miles but 4 of them were at around a 4% avg incline at 8:30 pace so felt like some good work!!  The last mile was around 7:4x.  Both runs on the treadmill but that's what worked today!  

How have I, or can I continue to play even a small part in making the world a better place (Be the Change):  

• When I sat down to write this one today, I kept coming back to a Rumi quote I have written on the chalkboard in front of my office desk. "A true human being is never what he or she appears to be.  Rub your eyes and look again." -Rumi.  This quote is a reminder to see people in new light...to not be quick to judge but to look again.  It reminds me to try to recognize the gifts in others...to believe in the potential and uniqueness that is within all.  I want to work on seeing the BEST in others...especially people that rub me the wrong way at first.  I want to stop myself and question WHY they annoy me or WHY I might not like them at first and then look deeper.  It's about perspective and remembering there are layers to each of us.  What we see first, isn't always who that person really is.  

That's all I have for today.  I'm FRIED.  Off to BED!!!  

-Amanda

Project Begin Again. Day 1

"We are constantly invited to be who we are. ...I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by a conscious endeavour. It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve
and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts." -Henry David Thoreau.

No better time to begin again than Easter.  The other day, one of my dear blogger friends, Petra, posted this:  Begin Again. As I was reading, I felt that familiar resonation and inner "Yes". Her words often do this for me.  She's so real.  Her post caused lots to stir within this head and heart of mine.  She was talking about beginning again with her running, what running means to her, and not comparing herself to her past self.  Her words went so much deeper than simply starting again with running.  They reminded me yet again just how much we are a work in progress.  How life continues to unfold and change and we are allowed to change too.  And how things we love can take a different form than they once were.  Her words also reminded me of how hard it can be to begin again with something that once took such big space in our life.

I'm not beginning again with running.  In fact, I'm only a short stretch away from running a trail 50k (May 7th) so I've been running plenty (maybe not enough).  However, I am in a very different place with running than I once was.  I hardly ever carry a watch or Garmin unless I don't know a route or I'm trying to get a feel for where I am with speed.  I don't follow a strict plan.  I run much slower.  I'm ok with skipping days or even weeks.  It can be hard not to compare my present self with my past self sometimes.  Hard to accept that I am still just as much of a runner as I was when I was sticking to a dedicated plan, writing about my training and shooting for that 3:15/3:20 marathon.  I'm still a runner and running is still the gift it always has been.  My zen.  Running has been less and less about a specific goal and more and more about what it does for my soul.  I run because it brings me more life.  With each mile on the trails, my life is richer and my soul awakens.  As Petra says: "Running is how I understand myself in life."

What Petra's post made me think of first, before running, was writing.  Her post made me want to blog again.  I've felt this pull off and on over the last year but I haven't known where to start or how to continue once I do start.  Typing on here feels strange.  I get caught into the trap of comparing myself to my old self.  I'm so different.  So much has changed.  But I'm making it way too complicated here....

We can always Begin Again!  From where we are.  As we are.  Without comparison.

Why write on my blog anymore?  Why not just a journal?  You know, I've asked myself this question lots.  But the truth is, journaling has been way harder for me lately...hard to find my flow.  Something about typing on my blog (even if only for an audience of one or two or none besides my imagination) motivates me.  The discipline of writing ...especially daily gratitude and intentions... helps my entire flow and focus with everything else! The practice of daily writing is ENERGIZING and gives way to so so much more than I realize.

So, here's how this will go.

1. I will write something on here every day for 38 days because that is how many days until my 50k.  
2. I will keep in simple!!! Some days will consist of three sentences if that's all I have.   
3. I will write for me.  
4. I will try very hard NOT to compare my old Runninghood self to the Amanda typing today.  
5. I will keep my posts to daily gratitude, intentions and.... because how can we not feel sad, heavy hearted and powerless at so much happening in our world...I will include at least one small way I can or have done something to make the world a better place (this can be as simple and powerful as helping my child learn a lesson about love and kindness).  
6. Why am I doing this?  To Begin Again.  Just as with training for a marathon when we put in our daily workouts, I want to get into the habit of focusing on the things that make me happy and my intentions for making my life what I want. Writing helps me with this.  

Day 1:

Intentions:  

• Go downstairs after writing this and be entirely present with my family over dinner.  
• Acknowledge at least one positive thing I noticed about each of my kids this week.  
• Celebrate as a family all we have to be thankful for and our highlights of Spring Break.  

Gratitude:

• A road trip with my kids to sunny California to see family.  
• Our stop in the Redwood Forest.  Majestic soul food.
• My 20 mile run on trails (so much time on feet) with my husband today (he's also running the 50k).  
• Seeing my children grow into such beautiful versions of themselves. Well, I don't always notice this. ;) But if I step back and really see the big picture... 
• I could go on and on but the goal was to keep these entries simple so I'll save more for tomorrow.  

How have I, or can I continue to play even a small part in making the world a better place (Be the Change):  

• This week, on my long drive back from SoCal to Oregon, I had a moment with my kids where I was simply and clearly NOT my best self.  Instead, I let my sleep deprived self take over and react to my tired fighting kids in a way that did NOT model grace or love or patience.  I was like a roaring LION.  I hated the feeling that came after I screamed.  I definitely had those familiar feelings of shame and guilt washing over me.  But I let my kids see ME have GRACE and love with myself and I offered the same to them.  I showed them that even when we act in ways we aren't proud of, we can still apologize and offer ourselves and each other GRACE!! I showed them what it looks like to start fresh and forgive.  I think that by modeling self love and grace and love and grace for others, and letting them see that they can make mistakes without letting their mistakes turn into shame and negative self talk and feeling stuck, I am helping them grow up to be loving, kind, and full of grace people...with themselves and others.  At least I hope so. 

That's about all for today.  Here's to beginning again... and continuing.  Life is beautiful.

-Amanda

Family Meeting: Getting Back on Track

It's no secret to anyone that the end of summer vacation usually results in a frazzled, short tempered, and ready-for-routine ME. It almost always takes me a few weeks of feeling crazy before I have to remind myself that feeling this way around this time of year is usually the way it goes.  Then add in a huge life change and a move across the country and these feelings are magnified, by um, a lot. It can make for one bag of feeling guilty for all the things I'm not doing, critical of myself and my kids, and a web of negative thinking.   One of the things that has always worked to help me reset and get back to focusing on what really matters and what I want most in life is to slow down with reflection.

Just the simple act of stopping myself in my tracks, taking a deep breath, clearing my head  and listing the things I AM doing well allows me to then focus on the small steps I can take to move forward and improve. This is especially true when I'm feeling out of control or especially critical of myself and my family.  Bad moods and negative energy are contagious--a domino effect--and if I don't put the breaks on and RESET, the whole family picks up on my energy.

Last night was our first night back from a long weekend away in Portland for Hood to Coast.  We were also making time for final good byes to my husband's work friends in Portland, saying hello to old neighbors and school friends, and visiting with family.  As much as I loved our weekend away, it was incredibly nice to be HOME!

Before bedtime, I called all the kids into my son's room for a last minute family meeting.  I have been meaning to implement this family meeting routine at least once a week but so far it has remained on my parenting wish list.  Last night was the night.  Forget planning or knowing what the meeting would be about.  I just needed to do it.  Once we were all sitting around Sam's bed, I knew we all needed a RESET.  It wasn't just me being grouchy and short tempered.  The kids had been fighting and having attitudes.  There was constant complaining and whining about having to do chores.  We were all just tired from our move and unraveling in a sea of BLAH and lack of direction and focus.

I remembered the cards I had placed on the wall a few days ago:

I grabbed two legos from Sam's lego bin and asked the family to take turns holding the legos and contributing to the conversation.  With the blue lego, I asked them to list something they were doing well and that they were proud of.  Then with the yellow lego, I asked them to list something they wanted to bet better at.

At first the kids came up with some funny things like:

Sam:  
Positives:  I'm good at being a Ninja.
Something I want to be better at:  My pull over on the ninja bars!

After a little bit of modeling and redirecting, all of us came up with things that related to our behavior and interaction with the family.  In the end, I think we all felt a new sense of focus and calm.  At least I did.  And I'm pretty sure they did too because today has been GREAT!  I could tell that all of us were conscious of our intentions and working on treating each other with love and respect.

I'm determined to have a family meeting at least once a week!  And for the first few meetings, I think this Lego Positives and Small Steps Forward exercise will be a great exercise.  Eventually we will add other things like compliments, sharing fears, highlights of our days, etc.  No matter what we do, I know this time together will be nothing but valuable in helping us grow as a family and as individuals.

Here's to more family meetings!

Have you tried family meetings?  
Do you set a time aside for the whole family to be together?  Dinner?  Family Movie Nights?  

Amanda

Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/Runninghood

Instagram:  http://instagram.com/runninghood

Twitter:      https://twitter.com/Runninghood1

Intentions and Personal Reflections

Summer break + no marathon training + lots of open time with kids = creative fun with our fitness.  This was a mix of yoga, stretching, gymnastics, killing time before real gymnastics, and running (around the room like crazy) all rolled into one.  Love our local YMCA.  

Summer is officially here.  I'm actually enjoying my lazier mornings where the kids sleep later and I have quite moments to drink coffee around the time they were usually catching the bus.  With summer comes lots of activity, mess making, sibling spats, finding fun things to drive to, saying NO to screen time about a bazillion times a day (um, if you asked me 5 minutes ago and the answer was no, chances are very likely that you won't be getting a yes now), walking to the library, staying up way too late, hoping to find time to myself to save my sanity, etc. This summer is a little different since we will be moving back to the west coast in just about 4 weeks.  As much as I'm trying to soak up these last weeks, I can't help but think lots about the "what's next" in life.  It's hard for me to be still.  It's a challenge to soak up the present moments without always having to have a goal, something to learn, or a plan in the works (career, school, races, involvement with community...).  I'm conscious of this and strongly reminding myself to soak up the time I have with my kids in a place I love so much.  There is much to be excited about and much to look forward to once we move to Bend, Oregon but those things can wait.  I know we will find great schools for the kids and a place in the community quick enough.  I'll decide on next steps in my career when the time is right.  And I'll make our new house our HOME.  That alone will be so much fun and engaging.  In the meantime, I just finished with Grandma's Marathon (will post on that soon...so many GREAT things to say about this race!) and I have until July 20th before we road trip to Oregon to make the MOST of this time in Asheville, North Carolina!  Bring it!

Summer means lots of messes but also lots of fun learning and experimenting.  

Intentions:

• Practice daily gratitude lists again.  I'm always grateful but something about writing just a few things down each day that helps me be that much more intentional and positive with my thinking.  
• Work on patience.  With myself, goals, plans for what's next, and as a parent. 
• See the value and reward in Motherhood.  Lately, I find myself craving intellectual stimulation, new career possibilities, furthering my graduate studies, and the opportunity to seek out so many of my passions.  This is great in itself but I tend to undervalue my job as a mother sometimes.  There are days when I don't see it as valuable work but in reality, it truly is.  It is passionate work.  A masterpiece if I see it that way.  Putting my career on hold and staying home with my kids is something I chose to do (not everyone's choice or ability and that's ok) and something I intended to do long before I had kids.  It's easy for me to forget that I will still have time for my interests and work when I'm ready.  Authors, artists, scholars, people who are leaders in their fields of studies and contributing in such lasting and BIG ways (changing the world in positive ways, making the world a better place, etc.)...this seems so WOW to me.  I want to to do that too!  But as mothers, we ARE doing that.  Even if we find ourselves thinking that we are "JUST Mothers"... it's so much more than staying home in our pajamas, thinking we'll never again not wear a hat over our greasy hair, playing UNO and pretending to enjoy Lego Ninjago and battling with play swords. I suppose it is one huge balance of contentment, challenge, motivation, passion, contribution, connecting, feeling heard and seen, etc.  For now, I'm home with my kids and continuing to grow and learn. That works for our family.  I feed my passions and think of what I'll do in the near future but if I really settle myself down and be still, I'm very thankful for this time to be where I am.   
• Be open to receiving.  Be open to possibility, change, and embracing the next chapter in life.  
• Instead of being sad to leave North Carolina, be thankful for the time I have had here and recognize how that has added to our lives in positive ways.  
• Be a model for my children.  Easier said than done.  If I want them to respond to each other with patience and love, I need to do the same.  If I want them to value learning and be true to their passions and interests, it helps if they see us doing the same.  So much here!  

A few personal thoughts that I've jotted down over the last few days when I am alone with my thoughts in the stillness of the morning:

• We find our family. Family can come to us in ways we never imagined.  
• We won't like every person in life.  In fact, there will be people that no matter how hard we try, will still never be someone we like or enjoy being around for longer than a few minutes.  That's okay.  Not everyone will like us either.  
• Living small is a mindset.  Small living doesn't mean never taking big and bold steps and making dreams come true.  What I mean by living small is in relation to material possessions...I don't need to fill our lives with "stuff"...all the latest and most popular clothes, toys, cars, etc. to be happy.  In fact, these things clutter life up for some of us.  I've struggled with this new step in life where we move from 1200 sq ft of space to well over over double that.  Doesn't a big house just mean more "stuff" and being tied down to our home?  It doesn't have to.  As with anything in life, it is what we make it.  Who cares if our home is half empty for the next few years.  I'm not going to just go on a frenzy of filling it up with "stuff" just to have it even if it doesn't mean much.  Nope.  Let it be empty in a few rooms.  We can still live small in a big house.  And with living small, our living in other ways will be BIG! Besides, an empty room or two can mean some awesome fort building space for the kids!  
• Training for a race or even simply running and taking care of our health and fitness carries over into our life in wonderful ways.  There have been so many times recently where I've found myself pushing through a difficult workout, facing my fears or nerves and doing something I was dreading (only to feel amazing afterwards), or thinking of something difficult in my life and how I'll move past it when I'm doing just that on the track or the road.  The mantras I tell myself when I'm running, racing, and pushing through a challenge (mental or physical) in training are the mantras that also help me continue being strong and making my dreams come true in daily life. I have much to say about this when I write about my recent marathon!  Really powerful thoughts in that race.  
• When I'm being especially negative or critical about situations that come up in daily life, it's time to take a long hard look at myself.  We often project onto others things about ourselves that we dislike the most.  And when our kids are around all the time, they HEAR.  Trust me, they hear us.  Even when we don't speak.  If we are being especially critical, they pick up on that and before you know it, they are walking, talking, miniature versions of the parts of us we like least (along with the good stuff).  Nothing reflects our weaknesses quite like our offspring.
• Boredom is good for kids sometimes.  Boredom and downtime to just...PLAY.  This is one of the biggest reasons why I'm looking forward to that backyard and bonus room...places to tell my kids to scram and make some imaginative messes! Let them figure things out on their own, solve their own fights, etc. I want to be a more hands OFF mom but that can be hard for me when I'm in such a small space with them.  Without me being so uptight about the noise and the messes, things will be so much nicer for all of us.  Imagination and creativity can be loud and messy sometimes.  Yay for yards, summer, trampolines, rooms to make forts, and having my own space so I don't have to be a part of it all the time.  After all, I lived my childhood and it isn't my job to make their life gloriously magically entertaining all the time.  Kids need some stretches of being unstimulated so they can create their own fun (all within boundaries of course...ha!).
• Change is constant.  No need to judge ourselves for being a different person than we once were.  Even if there is a drastic difference in our life  compared to who we once were.  It's okay to be different.  It's okay to evolve.  That's one of the most beautiful things about life.  We change.  The world changes. Life changes.  Our friends and family change.  That's a good thing.  Embrace it.  It can cause a bit (or a lot) of stress if we let it...when we see ourselves doing and saying things that we would have flipped over in the past.  It's easy to dig our heels in and try to stay the same because it is comfortable and what we know.  We can find ourselves pulled to close our minds and continue to stick to the same ideas, places, routines and paths even if we feel pulled or led in different directions, but that's how we get dusty and rusty.  Change lets us grow and if we are open to it when it comes, life will continue to surprise us in wonderful ways.

Time to get things ready for my son's five year old birthday celebration with family tonight.  Again, much to say about Grandma's Marathon soon.  Really, much to say about lots right now.  My head and heart are full full full.  Full of ideas, inspiration, words, love, and possibility.  Thankful for that. Life is good!

Amanda

Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/Runninghood
Instagram:  http://instagram.com/runninghood

Twitter:      https://twitter.com/Runninghood1