Motherhood Ramble: Finding Balance and Knowing How Much to Push.

One of my favorite pictures of my girls so happy playing together with no other agenda other than: ENJOY

Today, I am aware more than ever why it's such an art or practice to stay present.  To be in the NOW.  It's a constant balance between looking ahead and behind just enough to plan and reflect so we can make the best choices for our present and then be able to actually LIVE in our present...mindful, grateful, intentional.  That's the goal.  :)

As a mother/parent this can be super hard.  In addition to thinking about our own lives, we are making decisions for our children.  Now think of the movie Inside Out where it shows all the different emotions and feelings and thinking we have going on inside of us... our committee of sorts.  The committee in my head (all the parts of my mind thinking about all the parts of my life past, present, future) is extra crowded when I'm in the thick of motherhood...it's not only my personal committee, it's the committee that helps me understand my children and know the best route to guide them as individuals!  We are their advocate, cheerleader, advisor, and enforcer all at once.  We GET to love them and know them deeply.  We know about their likes and dislikes,  strengths and weaknesses, temperament, who they like to play with, and so much more. We also know when they need a little nudge to do something they wouldn't do otherwise because of fear, apathy, or simply not even knowing what it's like so not caring enough to have any desire to try.  Whether this means helping them try a sport, read a new book that may look too hard, talk to a grown up about something difficult, speak their mind, join a club at school, make new friends.  Whatever the thing, there's a balance with the role we play.  Guide.  Facilitator.  Supporter.  Advocate.  Comforter.  And you know, sometimes we even know our child enough to give them a little (or big) PUSH.  I know, I know... in the name Parenthood PC, we often don't use that word PUSH anymore but why not?  Sometimes our kids do need pushed!  Pushed by someone that loves them and KNOWS they will fly once they are given that nudge to the next step.  I'm a pusher sometimes. Not always but I push when I know it's time... pushing, balanced by all those other roles I mentioned above.  It is indeed a balance.  

I woke up this morning feeling like my motherhood/children/life balance is off a little.  For the next two weeks (while my oldest's theater performance/rehearsals wrap up and she begins gymnastics team at a higher level along with my other kids being involved in sports), I can definitely say we are signed up for too much! Too much for my tastes anyway. There is undoubtedly a balance between guiding our kids and helping them grow learn and challenge themselves through extracurricular activities, sports, etc.  and providing enough free time so they get to simply be a kid and relax!  This balance is different for every single family.  Sometimes it comes to knowing what their child can handle and sometimes it's about money or logistics.  For me, right now, it's about wanting my kids to have just enough involvement in extra classes/sports/theater...whatever...  to where they have goals and feel excited about being involved and working hard, but not too much to where it feels like all we are ever doing is GO GO GO Going.  Right now it feels a lot like that.  Driving, dropping, picking up, scheduling, shelling out $$$, and way too little relaxing as a family and getting lost in play while they are still young.  

I also woke up this morning questioning my decision to speak up on behalf of my son to have him moved up in gymnastics. That's part of the knowing when to nudge and when to let things be.  I know he is ready on a physical level but did I push too soon?  We shall see.  For now, I'm going to trust that he's in his just right place and although our Tues/Thurs schedules will be NUTS, this move will eventually allow for my kids to have at least 2 days a week where they have NOTHING on the agenda!  I want this for them!  I want this for ME! Life is too short and childhood goes so quickly.  They will have the rest of their lives to be BUSY.  I know myself enough as a mother to know that I need this downtime for them probably more than they care or need it themselves.  And that's what this motherhood/parenthood gig is all about, right?  Finding what works best for us as individual families so we can thrive and be happy.  And not judging others for doing life differently!  

Here's to a long, unorganized ramble of a post that is really, a personal journal online.  Here's to nudging (or pushing) my kids a bit.  Here's to giving our kids challenges and opportunities for them to discover new talents and interests while improving in what they've already started.  Here's to knowing how much is too much and how much is not enough.  Here's to finding that balance with all of it...so we don't have so much going on (in our heads and our day to day schedules) that we aren't truly enjoying LIFE!  And here's to not overthinking (easier said than done)! 

I Potty Trained My Firstborn with Raisins. Oh How Parenting Changed with the Other Kids.

Lots of things have changed as my kids get older compared to my ideas of how things would be when I was new to motherhood but in the end, the thing that stays the same is how much I love these guys!  

When I had my first child (and even before), I had a very clear idea of how I wanted to parent. You name the topic and I most likely had a strong opinion: screen time, sugar, cloth diapers vs. regular, breast feeding, child birth, organic foods, potty training, sleep training, etc.  I wasn't critical of how others chose to do things with THEIR kids but I was opinionated about how I wanted to do things with MY kids. I pushed my first born out and was ready to rock it from day one!  And I was convinced I'd carry on with my approaches with all of my kids.  Even with the youngest.  Wow. Oh, how funny this is to me now that I am a mother of three.  Going on almost ten years later with two girls (9 and 7) and a boy (5), and I can see that no matter how good my intentions were, things just change for us as parents as we have more kids and the reality of parenthood and childhood sets in.  My son (third child) is proof of this.  With the third child, we've just become a little more...relaxed about things.  Ok, relaxed isn't the right word because I'm far from relaxed most days.  We've become tired.  Adapted to a more balanced approach to parenting.  Realized that our kids won't die if we slack on a few things.  In fact, they are alive and thriving without fried brains DESPITE the sugar, screen time, disposable diapers, drinking out of plastic cups that may or may not be BPA free, and the fact that they went a few days without eating anything green.

Even though I had a whole bag full of intentions, expectations, and opinions at the start of parenthood, it all went a little differently with each of my kids. One situation that was different with the other kids compared to my firstborn:

Potty Training (and the use of Sugar and Bribery to make things happen!)

All my kids have been potty trained at relatively early ages (nope, this doesn't make me a better mom).  Potty training and sleeping on their own were things I was all about having implemented earlier rather than later.  Having wood floors where they could run around without diapers helped with this.  Oh, and lots of toilet breaks for a read aloud was nice too.  Increase the number of visits to the toilet within the hour and eventually, they are bound to have to pee. Once they see that they did it in the potty and experience the celebration that follows, they usually want to do it again!  Now, what constitutes a "potty celebration"?  This was different for each of my kids.

I potty trained my first born with raisins and joyful claps of encouragement.

Yes, raisins.  These were her candy!  She knew of nothing else. No older siblings to offer her candy or friends at school handing out party bags with smarties and giving extras to the little brothers and sisters.  Raisins were a TREAT!  [now she won't touch them]  Every time she would pee in the potty, she got a few raisins and a potty dance.  This was awesome for all of us!  She was potty trained and we stuck to our no sugar first-time parent convictions.  Win win.

Fast forward to the second and third child.  At this point, my oldest had not only discovered the incredible joy of SUGAR, she asked for it daily.  And she was crafty with the ways she went about getting it.  Forget having to potty train our second daughter...our oldest did it for us.  Her thinking:  If I get my sister to use the potty, I can offer her some chocolate and then of course Mom will have to give me some too!  It was a potty training extravaganza!  She asked little sissy many times a day if she wanted to go to the bathroom to sit on the toilet, drew up posters to put in the hallway that had pictures of toilets next to an equal sign that had candy on the other side (advertisement), and made it her personal job to make sure her sister thought big girl panties were the coolest thing ever!  "Mom will give you some candy if you try to pee!" she'd say.  At this point, I'm pretty sure they only got a few small pieces of chocolate but it was still CANDY!

By the time my son was ready to be potty trained, I might have been giving them all a whole candy bar if he just peed on a tree in the backyard.  But I don't remember that much because those memories are all kind of blurry.

Here's one reason why potty training my son was a blur.  It was never just an easy trip to the toilet.  Heck, even I was ready for a candy bar after this toilet break.  

This little guy.  Love him.  Full of everything spunk.  Being his mother has changed much for me with regards to how I THOUGHT I'd approach parenting. 

Last night at the dinner table after a late night of running kids around to indoor soccer and gymnastics practices and trying to cross everything off the list for the holidays, I just laughed to myself at how different things have become with our kids compared to the ideas we had of how things were going to be.  For one, I never believed all those stories that boys were so different from girls.  I kind of knew this as a teacher but it isn't the same until you're actually raising boys AND girls and see the differences for yourself.   Motherhood over the years has been humbling and enlightening.  I admit, I feel crazy A LOT.  I doubt myself often.  And parenting guilt shows its ugly face more than I'd like. But, I also know deep down that Good Enough is better than driving myself crazy trying to do everything the way I thought I was supposed to.  Now, I choose my battles more.  Let things slide.  And know in the end, my kids will likely turn out just fine!  The most important thing is that I'm loving, believing in, and being an advocate for my kids and that they KNOW this through my words and actions.  The rest is icing on the parenthood/childhood cake!

1. What are some things that have changed for you as a parent over the years? 
2. Did you do and think differently with your firstborn compared to your other kids?  
3. What is one specific thing that was different with your firstborn compared to your other kids?  
4. Giving my kids healthy foods to eat is one topic I've kept the same opinion on.  My approach is different and I choose my battles OFTEN when it comes to food/sugar, but I still try to help my kids eat healthy.  I wrote on this on Run with Me Kids today and I'd really love your comments on the post if you'd be willing to share:  What are some of your tips for helping your kids eat healthier foods? (You can share that here and/or on the link to the Run with Me Kids post.)

Amanda

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Using the Tools in Our Tool Belt

It was especially quiet in the car on the way to school today.  Then I heard my five-year-old son say,

"Mom, I used a tool from my tool belt this morning."  

At first I didn't know what he was talking about. When I asked him what he meant, he said

  "When you said I couldn't wear those black shoes, I was really mad.  So, I came to the car where it was quiet so I could calm down and be in control of my choices. I used a tool."  

Huge smiles this morning!  Times like this are so affirming as mothers...reminders that we really ARE making a difference. The words and lessons we share with our kids ARE sinking in.  The past few weeks I've used the analogy of tools in a tool belt to fix things when it comes to helping my son make better choices and take control of his actions/words that stem from strong emotions.

Some of his tools:  

1. Go to a quiet place to calm down. 
2. Take a deep breath and count to 10 when he gets angry.
3. Ask friends and family for space.  
4. Use his words in a way where others can hear him (sharing his words with respect instead of throwing his words at others.  It's not always what we say but HOW we say it.) 
5. Express emotions and fears.  
6. Focus on the many things that make him happy rather than the one or two things making him unhappy.  
7. Try to let things go when you aren't getting what you want by focusing on something else you like to do.  The "Oh well, maybe later." tool.

Tools fix things. They help us accomplish a task and work towards something constructive rather than destructive.  This analogy isn't just helpful for my kids...it's helpful for me.  We all have tools. We have the tools to respond and act in the ways that compliment how we want our life to be.

If I think of all the tools I have in my tool belt that are unique to me, I'd say many of them are similar to the tools I've been helping my son use.  I truly understand this little guy with his box full of strong emotions and quirks (fear, anger, worry, frustration, getting overwhelmed easily, wanting to be in control, a little obsessive...) and I hope we can keep working together to make our days what we want them to be.  Parenting him has most definitely helped me grow into a stronger person.  Helping him work through his fears and emotions has meant having to do the same for myself.


 So, yes, kids, use your tools in life!  Mom will her hers too!

Amanda

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The Things That Matter Most

The past few days have been no school days for my daughters.  This has meant loose schedules, lazier days, and plenty of free time for them.  This has also meant more fighting, messes, noise, and the constant popular chorus of "Mom, Mom, Mom..." filling my house.  Don't get me wrong, I cherish these days.  I do.  I love having kids.  I love being a mom.  I know these days will go way. too. fast.  However, when I'm riding the waves of hormones and my nerves feel like someone is pinching them with a wire cutter, I turn into more of a nagging witch-like (perfect for Halloween) mom instead of a patient, creative and bubbly one.  That was yesterday.  But it didn't last.

As I made my way into the dining room mid-nag to ask my oldest daughter to do something I had asked for repeatedly, I was greeted with the sweetest of surprises.  The table was set with my grandmother's china (which we rarely use) and I could see that she was in the process of putting something very special together for the family.  There was a creepy menu being made and the table was decorated in cobwebs, mini pumpkins and spooky looking name cards for all of us.  No wonder she was asking me all morning what dinner was going to be.  Instead of quinoa, it was going to be fish eggs.  Instead of beets, it would be bloody brains.  Lemonade was snake venom.  You get the drill.

Seeing my little girl put this special memory into the making melted my heart.  Not only did it make me smile to see my grandmother's china all set out, but I felt so proud that creating this memory and fun now new tradition was something of value to her.  And she got the other two kids in on the action.  They were decorating the chalk board, picking out Halloween music, and deciding on costumes and decorations for the house.  All I had to do was cook.

By the time dinner rolled around, I was wearing a blue wig and a black dress and I had a little witch and two vampires dancing merrily around the house.  In between grilling the human thighs (chicken) and steaming the worms (green beans) we took turns hitting the spooky dance floor and busting a groovin' move.  I was still a little irritable and low on patience but I was loving the fun everyone was having.

Dinner was ready just as my husband walked in the door with arms full of electrical things, big metal chunks of odds and ends and a smile on his face over how much fun he was going to have making his Whiplash costume (bad guy in Ironman 2) electrical engineer style!  Looks like everyone was in the holiday spirit tonight.

The final dinner menu consisted of fish eggs, thighs (human), tadpoles, octopus, snake venom, blood, bear blood, green worms, huge banana slugs, blood balls, bloody brains and few other appetizers.  

A most spooktacular dinner!

As the dinner progressed and we were sitting around the table giving cheers with our snake venom and bear blood (beer), I knew we were making a lasting memory.  These are the parts in life that matter most someday.  It isn't about having a clean house or making sure all the messes are cleaned up in the bedrooms (although that certainly keeps me from losing my mind).  It isn't about how organized my cupboards and closets are.  Or what kind of car we drive.  It's not about having everything perfect all the time.  What my daughter did for all of us last night was priceless.  It's definitely going down on my list as something that I want to remember forever and a tradition worth continuing for always.


What are some fun family traditions you have, have had, or want to have for the holidays?  
What's one of your best family memories from your childhood?

Amanda 

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