Day 10. Project Begin Again.

I bought two of the best little books yesterday:  How to Relax and How to Love....both filled with snippets of wisdom (meditations of sorts) by Thich Nhat Hahn.  These books are seriously awesome!  Would make great gifts!

I'll start day 10's post with daily gratitude and intentions.  

Again, here  in link is the post that began Project Begin Again.  And below are the guidelines I keep in every post.  

So, here's how this will go. 

1. I will write something on here every day for 38 days because that is how many days until my 50k.  
 
2. I will keep in simple!!! Some days will consist of three sentences if that's all I have.   
3. I will write for me.  
4. I will try very hard NOT to compare my old Runninghood self to the Amanda typing today.  
5. I will keep my posts to daily gratitude, intentions and.... because how can we not feel sad, heavy hearted and powerless at so much happening in our world...I will include at least one small way I can or have done something to make the world a better place (this can be as simple and powerful as helping my child learn a lesson about love and kindness).  
6. Why am I doing this?  To Begin Again.  Just as with training for a marathon when we put in our daily workouts, I want to get into the habit of focusing on the things that make me happy and my intentions for making my life what I want. Writing helps me with this.  

Day 10:

Intentions: 

• Celebrate progress.  I think all too often I get so caught up in the things I want to do to be better than I forget to notice the stuff I'm already doing so well.  
• Go easier on myself and others.  
• Keep allowing my heart to be heard and to let myself feel the emotions that come up.  We are complicated beings and it would be boring to only feel happy all the time.  I'm glad I have a mix of feelings... anger, sadness, elation, calm, happiness, etc.  
• Continue to work on daily time for mindfulness and meditation.  I don't think this needs to be in stillness.  So often, this comes through trail running.  A moving meditation.  

Gratitude:

• 21 trail miles today!   SLOW!  So many hours on my feet!  
• My mom came to visit the last few days on her way back from California.  Such a special visit. Yesterday, we hopped around Bend going from bookshops to boutiques to cafes.  It was so cool to see my city from a tourists perspective.  So much I still haven't seen.  Definitely a reason my heart is sad...to have my mom leave.  I know she is only 3.5-4 hours away but still... 
• During my mom's visit, we found a perfect frame for a piece of art she painted in 2010.  A special story here... I posted and wrote about it on Instagram.  

How have I, or can I continue to play even a small part in making the world a better place (Be the Change):  

• BE REAL.  Be TRUE.  

I find it funny that yesterday I bought a little book called How to Relax--a book filled with wise words from world renowned zen teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh (see photo at top).  A book about relaxing and calm.  And today, even after completing a 21 mile trail run (which usually would mean I'd be noodle-like-relaxed), I have been anything but relaxed (expect while on run). More like stressed to the max and emotional emotional emotional since picking my kids up from school.  I might have cried more in the last three hours than perhaps I have in the last four months.  Over little things... my kids arguing with me, sibling spats in the grocery store after school, the husband telling me he would be home late... little things that felt so BIG.  Honestly, I think these tears have been a mix of being so exhausted from running so many hours on the trails (I can't even wrap my head around what my 50k on much harder trails is going to feel like), not having much energy to actually be on as MOM after school, knowing I'm leaving by myself to go on a trip for several days (very happy about the trip but have lots to do to get ready), my mom leaving to go back home after such a nice visit, and from having an emotional release of sorts from my long run.  Some of you might know what I'm talking about here with the emotional release.  Think of a time you've done yoga or had a massage... one where your hips are really opened up and you reach a state of deep relaxation... many people claim to experience an emotional release afterwards.  A release that often comes with tears. At least for me.  I can think of several times where I go to my car after yoga and start crying for no good reason.  I think my trail run today did something similar to me.... unblocked some of my chakras big time!  :)  But it's been more than that. My heart just felt sad today.   My sadness mixed with the exhaustion and emotional release from trail running (a zen type experience for me sometimes) meant lots and lots of tears.  I'm actually grateful for these tears in a weird way... grateful for the cleansing... the letting go of emotions... and the fact that I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling without stuffing it.

Speaking of feelings... Yesterday when we went into a little shop downtown Bend, I found a new children's book that I LOVE.  It's called In My Heart, A Book of Feelings.  I love it for lots of reasons.  One, it helps kids understand and explain their feelings which then leads to more emotional awareness and intelligence.  It also does such a great job at describing the feelings of the heart in ways that carry on into adulthood.  Reading it to my kids made me feel more compassionate towards myself even... in the sense that we are surely complicated beings with the many feelings we have.  Our hearts need to be heard.  I highly recommend this book for mothers, fathers, teachers, caretakers, etc.  It would also make a great gift for a primary teacher or someone having a baby, or even a birthday gift for a child!   Here are just a few snippets from the book:

Another great book I bought yesterday.  Highly recommend (see below)!

In My Heart 

by Jo Witek

My heart is full of feelings.  Big feelings and small feelings.  Loud feelings and quiet feelings.  Quick feelings and slow feelings  My heart is like a house, with all these feelings living inside.  

Sometimes my heart feels like a big yellow star, shiny and bright.  I smile from ear to ear and twirl around so fast, I feel as if I could take off into the sky.  this is when my heart is happy.  

Other times, my heart feels strong.  I stand up tall, as if I can touch the clouds.  New people and places don't frighten me.  I can do it!  Watch me go!  This is when my heart is brave.  

When I get really angry, my heart feels as if it's going to explode!  Don't come near me!  My heart is yelling, hot and loud.  This is when my heart is mad!

But other times, my heart is cool.  I bob along gently like a balloon on a string.  My heart feels lazy and slow, as quiet as snowfall.  This is when my heart is calm.  

On harder days, mean words hurt my feelings, and my heart feels hurt too.  It's fragile and delicate, but it can be healed with extra kisses.  This is when my heart is broken.  

Some days my heart feels as heavy as an elephant.  There's a dark cloud over my head, and tears fall like rain.  This is when my heart is sad.  

I'll stop there.  Sad was how my heart was feeling today.   You get the gist of the book.  It goes on to describe the heart as hopeful, afraid, silly, shy, and proud.  Each page also has the cutest illustrations. LOVE THIS BOOK!!  

Amanda

Using the Tools in Our Tool Belt

It was especially quiet in the car on the way to school today.  Then I heard my five-year-old son say,

"Mom, I used a tool from my tool belt this morning."  

At first I didn't know what he was talking about. When I asked him what he meant, he said

  "When you said I couldn't wear those black shoes, I was really mad.  So, I came to the car where it was quiet so I could calm down and be in control of my choices. I used a tool."  

Huge smiles this morning!  Times like this are so affirming as mothers...reminders that we really ARE making a difference. The words and lessons we share with our kids ARE sinking in.  The past few weeks I've used the analogy of tools in a tool belt to fix things when it comes to helping my son make better choices and take control of his actions/words that stem from strong emotions.

Some of his tools:  

1. Go to a quiet place to calm down. 
2. Take a deep breath and count to 10 when he gets angry.
3. Ask friends and family for space.  
4. Use his words in a way where others can hear him (sharing his words with respect instead of throwing his words at others.  It's not always what we say but HOW we say it.) 
5. Express emotions and fears.  
6. Focus on the many things that make him happy rather than the one or two things making him unhappy.  
7. Try to let things go when you aren't getting what you want by focusing on something else you like to do.  The "Oh well, maybe later." tool.

Tools fix things. They help us accomplish a task and work towards something constructive rather than destructive.  This analogy isn't just helpful for my kids...it's helpful for me.  We all have tools. We have the tools to respond and act in the ways that compliment how we want our life to be.

If I think of all the tools I have in my tool belt that are unique to me, I'd say many of them are similar to the tools I've been helping my son use.  I truly understand this little guy with his box full of strong emotions and quirks (fear, anger, worry, frustration, getting overwhelmed easily, wanting to be in control, a little obsessive...) and I hope we can keep working together to make our days what we want them to be.  Parenting him has most definitely helped me grow into a stronger person.  Helping him work through his fears and emotions has meant having to do the same for myself.


 So, yes, kids, use your tools in life!  Mom will her hers too!

Amanda

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Learning With and For Our Children...This Mother's Beginning Steps in Learning About OCD

There's been lots of reading at our house lately.  Much more than usual.  Seems like a new box of books arrives at least once a week and I'm pretty sure that at this point, we are some of Amazon's favorite customers.  Most of the books we've been ordering have been books to help us learn about some pretty big things that our son has been going through. At least they are big to us.  I'm sure some of you saw my post this morning but luckily there weren't too many.  Really, it was a post that taken out of context, won't make a lot of sense to anyone anyway.  More of a journal entry type of post.  One that means way more to me than I could explain or express in writing right now.  I spoke of a random but not random dream I had about my dad (even though I didn't say what the dream was) and some of the thoughts it brought up for me.  That alone would be something that would take knowing me, my heart, my life, and my dream details to understand anyway.   I also shared a pretty painful motherhood moment from last night in regards to my son and his recently diagnosed OCD.  A topic I haven't spoken of on here yet but one that has been perhaps the biggest part of my life over the last year. I've avoided talking about it for several reasons:

1. I haven't been so sure what exactly is going on with him and I wasn't ready to slap a label on him like the therapists I've talked to have done.  
2. Fear.  I didn't feel like I knew enough about OCD to even understand what it was and what implications it held for my child.  
3. My son's fears and behavior issues have been so all over the place...so inconsistent...I've been in a state of exasperation most days.  Just stressed to the max....wanting to escape.  Almost hide from it.  Writing about it?  Well, I just wasn't ready.  
4. Painful.  It's so so painful to watch our children struggle with things.  Some days are so much harder than others.  We have good days and bad days.  On and off.  Steps forward and steps back.  But at this point, I'm certain we are dealing with OCD and I'm ready to talk about it because I know that I'm not the only one.  There are others in this world dealing with the same thing and by telling my story, I know that I'll connect with others.  Community is always better than standing alone. 

An excerpt from my previous post about last night:  

.....Maybe because of how difficult last night was for me as a mother.  A night of seeing how deeply my son is struggling right now with some issues I feel so inadequate in helping him with at times.  It is so painful for me to see my child in fear.  His mouth raw from rubbing it for fear of germs.  His fear of being near his parents when we have coffee in our hands because of the smell.  His freak out about the bite we took from his popsicle.  The phrases he repeats over and over to make things feel right.  His OCD.  Irrational fears.   This is all so new to me.  I know he is young and I know that we will get through this.  I know that I'm his mother for a reason and I'm willing to give him all the love, time, attention and patience that I have.  I know all will be okay and that others have much bigger things to face.  But it is NEVER easy to see our children hurt.  I can't think of anything more painful for me than to see my child in pain...in fear.  It is easily the hardest thing I've experienced.  But at the same time, I can think of nothing more rewarding and beautiful and amazing and inspiring than to see my brave brave little boy fight back and face his fears.  Not a day goes by lately that I don't go to bed a stronger person.  Wiser.  Braver.  And in awe of the lessons that my son is teaching me along this journey.  There are many more steps forward than there are steps back.

Last night was a big step back for my little guy.  He was struggling more than usual.  This was a moment where I didn't care that he was the kid in the restaurant making the scene.  I didn't care if others were judging or assuming that he was just being a bad kid.  I didn't care about or see anything else around me except my son.  And thank God my husband was there to take over because all I could do was put my head down on the table and cry.  In pain.  It was a night that I had no answers.  It was one of those moments that I just wanted to be a child and lean on someone bigger and wiser than me. Someone who wasn't feeling the same pain over this issue.  Someone that loved me fully and that was there to just wrap me up and tell me that things were going to be okay.  Because they will.

Here are some things from right now that I do know:

• Things are going to be okay.  
• We will have good days and bad days.  
• Sometimes it is hard to tell if my son is just having some major mood swings, anger issues and behavior problems or if he is dealing with something related to OCD.  Probably both.  
• There are so many resources out there!  Books to read, cognitive behavioral therapy, and people to talk to.  
• OCD is one of the MOST common disorders that people deal with  and it is very treatable.  Yay!
• My son has always been a fearful little guy.  Even as a baby he was scared of things that most of our kids thought to be funny.  
• OCD isn't caused by something I did as a mother.  It is so hard not to blame ourselves for things our kids are struggling with.  I've had thoughts over and over about how hard this move has been for him, on whether or not my parenting style has been too much for him...so many things!  
• It is interesting to see how my son fights back against his fears.  His compulsions are different every couple of weeks...this isn't always typical.  The therapist thinks this could be a sign that he is fighting back quickly.  
• I've learned more from this brave and wise little boy than most people in my life.  I learn from him daily and I'm in constant awe of him. 
• It is a relief in a sense to know more of what is going on with him instead of just thinking my kid is a HANDFUL and not knowing what to do as a parent.  
• I can tell that it is a relief to him too.  To know that we are here to listen and help.  When we talk about his fears and try to separate the OCD fears from HIM, he is so open to working with us and working through his irrational fears.  Even though he knows that it doesn't make sense to be scared or worried about something, it is still so hard for him to push through that.  He's been terrified of the shower FOREVER but recently we faced that together and by going all the way through with it and not backing down, he not only saw the power of facing a fear (a very REAL fear to him even though most of you probably wouldn't see the shower as a scary thing) but he realized HIS POWER in being able to do so.  Now he loves the shower.  
• This week has been harder than most.  My son's mouth is red and raw from licking and rubbing in attempt to keep germs out.  He's been afraid of being near me or my husband when we are drinking coffee or beer because of the smell and kissing me on the lips is on hold for now.  Who knows what it will be next week.  Maybe nothing...that's just it, sometimes we have perfect weeks where nothing happens at all...where he is a happy, easy going kid and we think it is all better.  
• So far, school is easy.  He loves school and the teachers have never noticed anything out of the ordinary.  He's social and follows rules. Bright.  Enthusiastic.  No problem.  But from what I read, this can be common...and then they come home and practically explode from keeping it all in.  This explains a lot in regards to the fits I sometimes get to experience later on in the day.  
• I'm thankful for one friend in particular who encouraged me to get help after a rather rough week in July where we were visiting him in Charleston.  During this week, my son was so compulsive with his constant need to say sorry and tell on himself for every little thing (apologizing and confessing are two common compulsions related to OCD).  This was maddening for me and now that I think of it, it was probably how he feels in his head almost every day.  Poor little guy.  

Well, there's a little bit of my world lately.  Not all running.  Not all happy motherhood moments.  But certainly all WORTH IT.  I'm learning so much and I'll continue to do so.  I'm so so blessed to have a husband that is beyond supportive and loving as a father and best friend/partner to me.  Together, we can do anything!  Especially for one brave beautiful little boy that we love beyond words.

Amanda 

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Identifying Feelings

The picture above is now a part of our hallway.  It is from an activity today where I had my kids use their crayons to demonstrate certain feelings or emotions.  As I named an emotion they let their crayon move over the paper in whatever way they thought expressed that emotion.  When they got to ANGRY or mad they scribbled and scratched. And with HAPPY they started humming cheerfully, almost like a chirp, as they moved their crayons in the way they thought happy would move.  I especially loved this activity for helping my son continue to identify feelings and learn to communicate them instead of acting out in other ways.  Now we have it on the wall as a reminder to me and my kids to be more aware of emotions.  Tonight when my son was being sent to his time-out as a consequence, I had him stop in the hall to identify what emotion he was feeling.  This not only helped me feel in control so that I didn't resort to YELLING but it helped him identify with his feelings so that he could have more control and ownership over them as well as feeling validation from me acknowledging how he felt.  We will see how this works.  I hope it serves as another tool to helping us deal with the THREES and THIRTIES more effectively.

Just as I'm trying to help my kids communicate their feelings, I need to continue do the same with myself.  As adults, I think we sometimes repress our true feelings as we forge on ahead.  All in the name of "getting things done", "moving on","keeping a hard shell" or just being uncomfortably being honest with ourselves.  But these stuffed-in feelings can eventually cause our world to start crumbling bit by bit.  They show themselves in stress which leads to all sorts of things...sickness, injury, irritability, lack of sleep, etc.  For this reason, I am conscious of making reflection and self awareness a big part of my world. I try to address my feelings through writing, verbal communication, etc.  TRY is the key word.  I think I've actually gotten pretty good at identifying my feelings and figuring out what is going on with me so that I can move on in a healthy way.  The good feelings like happy and excited...these are easy to be open about and embrace.  It is emotions like anger, fear, jealousy, resentment, and depression that are sometimes the more tricky ones.

As this time for us to move to North Carolina gets closer and closer, the to-do list gets longer and longer.  With this comes stress and LOTS of emotions (for all of us).  Add to that a marathon coming up in March and the normal obligations that come with motherhood and you have a barrel full of emotions that I need to be acknowledging, processing, and communicating.  So far so good.  But I'm thinking I need to be making a chart like the one above that is JUST FOR ME!  It would have quite a few more emotions/feelings listed.  The emotions wouldn't be even close to all crummy ones either. So many good things going on.

In light of asking my kids to identify their feelings so that they can feel a better sense of control over their world, I think I'll do the same:

EXCITED:  I'm feeling very excited about this move across the country.  Something new.  An adventure.  Traveling.  I love these things.  I'm also excited about my upcoming marathon.  Things are looking good.

FRUSTRATED:  Lots of frustration has been in this heart of mine lately.  Raising kids is HARD.  And my three year old son is quite the bundle of energy.  He has challenged me on every level and all my mommy tricks that worked before have proven to be pretty worthless.  Ha!  I've had to find new "super power tricks" to put in my mommy bag.  Wooooo Weeee!  Someone please tell me that story again about boys being harder when they  are younger but then being easier as they grow up.  Please.  In the meantime, I'll be using my last post and calming myself with deep breathing or smelling flowers and blowing out candles.  

GRATEFUL: SO SO much to be thankful for.  Motherhood, running, healthy, a home, financial stability, friends, love, education....I could write many pages on this.

WORRIED:  This move is a BIG DEAL.  Yes, it is temporary but I find myself asking again and again "What are we THINKING?!" when I realize that we are leaving our house, friends, family, community...all in the name of LIVING LIFE to the fullest and taking advantage of opportunities.  Yes, I think this is a good thing and I know we will grow from it as well as discover new sides to life that we never knew.  However, I have lots of worries that come right now. Normal worries.  OK worries...Where will we live?  Where will the kids go to school?  How will I make friends?  But things will all unfold as they should.

SAD:  This is the house where I've had all my babies in (well brought them home to from the hospital).  It is our first house.  The kids have their best friends next door.  They know their favorite places in the backyard.  Their favorite hideouts and trees to climb.  It is a place that is ours and we are happy.  There are definitely waves of SAD that rush through me as it hits me that we will be making such big changes and saying a temporary good bye to people and places we love.  And a most likely forever goodbye to  this place we call home.

HAPPY:  Happy to have a family, so much love, friends that I cherish, the opportunity to travel and stay home with my kids, and so so much more.  Just really happy right now.


Right now...this present moment... I'm relaxed and feeling a great sense of satisfaction and calm.

I'm happy and optimistic.

Life feels really good for the most part.

I have a fun workout tomorrow that will be just enough hard to leave me with that tired and accomplished feeling and just enough change up to where I will be far from bored on the treadmill.

I will run my longest training run ever on Sunday.

My body feels strong.

I can hear the dishwasher running...which means a quiet house.

The kids are asleep.

All the crazy kid dust from the day has settled.

My epsom salt bath awaits me.

And I'm feeling better for having addressed my feelings.

Happy Almost Friday!
Amanda