Finding My Color and Reconnecting With ME

Every once in awhile I find that I'm feeling pretty far away from myself. I start feeling my world get cloudy and "blur-like".  Almost like I'm losing touch with the things that are most important to being my best self.  After rereading some posts that I wrote on here from last year about things like habits of happiness, making today great, or even refocusing on life with goals, I realize that I wrote these posts during a time of great inspiration.  I wrote them at times where I felt most alive, grounded and connected with ME. I wrote them at times that I was making myself most vulnerable and sharing my personal journal reflections on a regular basis.  Things have been different lately. It isn't that my life is out of control or even unbalanced right now.  In fact, Life has been pretty darn extraordinary. But something has just been missing.  My self reflection time has been taking a back seat as I focus on Boston training and checking things off my everyday lists.  My journals have been collecting a bit of dust as they sit on the shelf untouched.  And with this has come a very tangible DISCONNECT in my life that has dulled my inspiration and taken away just a bit of the color that makes my heart sing.  

But this morning, I took advantage of a peaceful house and the sunshine streaming in my windows and I found a perfect place on my rug with my coffee, a pen and my journal to regroup and connect with myself.  As many of you know, my journals (even my running journal) are my greatest tool for connecting with myself and living a goal driven life of gratitude and clarity.  My time in my journals is KEY for me to be the best Amanda!  This journal time left me feeling inspired, energized and deeply grounded.  The whole day took on a new angle for me and life around me just seemed to be "unblurred".  Clarity. Color.  

 Some things I reflected on today:

• Motherhood.  It is so easy to get caught up in the busy parts and lose the magic parts. Errands, appointments, homework, messes, chores, teaching manners and social skills, etc.  But overall, I think I've done a pretty good job at pulling myself into the PRESENT enough to take the mental pictures and SAVOR this time.  It goes too fast!  I'm proud of myself in this area.  
• Boston Training.  You know, I say that this marathon training takes a lot of time but really, I've been managing it all very well this time around.  I'm actually ENJOYING it greatly as of this week.  I do get tired and worn out with following a plan.  Some days I don't want to run but overall, things are FUN and I want to keep it that way.  A few weeks ago things started feeling like work and I felt discouraged but with a little mental shift, things became fun again.  I'm fitting in my runs AND still making time to be a solid mother and wife most days.  Other things have slowed down (blog for example) but I'm hitting the main targets.  
• Friendships...Another pretty solid thing in my life right now.  I've made a point to reach out and keep my friendships growing. I feel blessed with some really great women in my life that are so very wonderful.  A big thing for me right now is asking myself how I can be there for my friends and not being all about myself.  I still need to work on this so that I'm not just taking.  Even things a s simple as a note to tell them I love them.  There is one friendship in my life that continues to hurt me despite all the people that tell me to just let it go.  It is a friendship that has never been easy and one that always leaves me feeling UNIMPORTANT, misunderstood and used.  :(  I suppose that I need to listen to my husband and friends and just let this person go. I deserve better.  And so does she.  Our entire friendship as been a big ball of misunderstanding.  Some people just weren't meant to be friends.  And that's okay. No more self blame or defensiveness.  Friends will come and go.  

Some things I'm being conscious of and working on making REAL:

• Bringing ART and creativity back in to our home as much as it used to be!  This has involved buying a new art easel for the kids.  This has just screamed "CREATE" and the kids are all about using chalk, paint, markers and more.  This makes me smile.

• READING.  This one is for myself and my kids. I've kind of slowed down with my reading life and also with how much I was reading to my kids.  The past few weeks we've read a novel a week as read aloud at night and the girls are loving it.  Our current read is George's Marvelous Medicine by Roald Dahl.  We'll have this one read in two nights. I'm also reading a novel right now...imagine that!  Not a lot of time to read these days with fitting in the miles but I've been enjoying it.  And I'm modeling reading for my kids...I like this.  Growing READERS HERE!  Realistically though, there are not many times during the day (or any really) that I have time to sit down and read for myself.  So that usually comes at the end of the day and then I'm often too tired.  
• JOURNALING, REFLECTING, WRITING FOR ME!  And Sharing With YOU TOO. I really want to get back to where my blog started.  So much of it was just me sharing my reflections and most personal parts of my life with others.  Yes, running was a part of it too but not just running.  It is the vulnerable, reflective, raw Amanda that I see so much of a year ago and I miss her.  I need this!  Not so much the sharing part but the reflecting part.  

I'm off this weekend for a women's retreat with a bunch of women I don't really know.  Should be a very rich experience and I'm anticipating a lot of time to reconnect with myself as well as make some new friends.  I'm excited.  

My Threshold workout today:

10 miles @ 7:36 avg (not a true 7:36 avg since I stopped for a few minutes after 4 miles and before tempo part to turn on a 27 minute show for my kiddos so that I could finish my run)

4 miles @8:27-8:34 pace

1 mile 6:59

1 mile 6:54

1 mile 6:54

.5 @ 6:44

.5 @ 6:27

2 miles to finish with last mile @ 7:14.  

Feeling Strong!

Happy Friday!  

Amanda