I suppose this writing probably belongs in my journal. Some pretty unprocessed thoughts here but I'm going to give it a go and try to work through some of them. I've found that usually when I'm feeling this way...filled with such an overwhelming call to
LISTEN and BE STILL
there is something big that I'm supposed to be hearing or processing and it usually comes at the end of something like this. I might as well do my thinking right here.
Best Shape of my life
Focusing on a GOAL for 24 weeks,
half a year!
Didn't cut it. Or so I felt. The list is long and I didn't realize that I was keeping record with myself:
* took off too fast?
* didn't know the course
* should have thought about different fuel options
* why didn't you think of music
* 3:30:17....17 seconds??!
* what were you thinking here? here? and here?
Yep, I have chalked my marathon up to a learning experience but I've been keeping up quite the facade with you, you, and ME. Apparently I have not really believed that it was all "good enough" because as with many things in life.....
I'm already on to the NEXT thing! I've already been planning my next big chance to "prove myself". The next big mountain to climb. The next big goal to reach. Something else to work towards. And Why?! What am I scared of?
Not having a big goal?
Being seen as weak?
Losing myself in something?
Losing all the fitness I've worked towards?
This morning, after some really strange and vivid dreams (even a nightmare), I woke up a little before 5:30 a.m. and decided to try out some early morning running since I have book club tonight and won't have another chance to workout. Those of you that know me, know that I AM NOT an early morning runner. Getting out of bed this early wasn't much of a choice. It was a given. I was up and I felt almost pulled and guided out the door.
But when I got outside into the cold, dripping and grey morning, I didn't run. I tried. But the message to me was so LOUD and so CLEAR that I knew why I was up this early. Early enough to not be distracted by the demands of my three kids. Early enough to where my to-do list didn't completely take over my brain. Early enough to really LISTEN. And the message to me was to
Give yourself a break
Stop trying to be in control
Stop trying to be in control
Enjoy life without always feeling like you need to be hurdling to the next big thing!
It's OKAY to not be "training" for something!
Let it GO!
Let your body have a BREAK!
I've always been the type of person to have a goal in mind. This is good. Goals are good. But so is slowing down to enjoy the stuff in between the big goals. The filling of the Oreo. The stuff that will be missed out on if
My goals for being still and not having too big of a GOAL right now? Yes, they are goals but smaller ones...the gently guiding ones and not the BIG climbing ones.
- As my friend Jenn mentioned yesterday, I am not going to let my marathon experience "define" me. It is what it is and I need to let it go. I thought I had let it go but after reflection this morning, I realize that I have been storing it away until I can do it "right" the next time.
- Stop to smell the roses! It's that time for me to NOT be training for something!! At least today, tomorrow and the rest of this week! Time to just enjoy being with my kids, giving my body rest, drinking some wine, and letting my mind shut off its "What's NEXT?!" thinking.
- Be Okay with not having any other goal except to live a healthy, happy life in the present moment!
- ENJOY my children. Get down on their level and really hear what they have to say....what they're thinking about the world. And let them lead the day....because I CAN do this.
I've got nothing to do but ENJOY LIFE TODAY, and the next day, and the next. What a gift!
I'm letting myself off the hook! Today is my day to shut my mind off to its normal "What's Next?!" thoughts, let myself do what I feel like doing without "pushing or climbing", enjoy the "stuff in between", and Just "Make the Moment Last".
So glad I let the morning speak to me. So glad I truly LISTENED to God's voice. Life I love you! I'm ready to BE STILL.