Saturday, February 26, 2011

The Deepest Part of My Running Heart--Running For Him

A little background info:  My dad died when I was a little girl.  He was killed in an excavation accident. He was working in a ditch when the dirt walls collapsed in on him. His body was cremated and his ashes were buried beneath our aspen tree by our home on a mountain in Dillon, Colorado. When he died, my brothers were 6 and 1 and I was 4.  I only have a few memories of him but I grew up dreaming of what he was like and I never stopped wishing that I knew him and feeling an emptiness in my heart without him.  I knew he was a dreamer, a risk taker, and a man that set out to make his life what he wanted it to be. He loved the mountains and he worked hard to build a life for us in the Colorado Rockies.  He was most alive in the mountains and being in nature.  I heard many stories about my dad but out of all the stories I heard, I heard of his love for running.  I knew that he loved to run and I knew that he had a gift to run.  My mom would tell me stories of how he dreamed of qualifying for the Olympics someday and how he'd go on his long runs religiously.  They were part of him and he needed them.  She would tell me stories of how my older brother would run after him and try to keep up when he was barely out of diapers.  And she told me stories about his determination to run even when he was told that he'd never walk again.  I wrote about more about this and my dad as a runner in my post Passion, Determination and The Will to Run.  


It was my junior year in college.  I can still remember feeling scared and overwhelmed about everything. I was scared of life.  I was stressed about school, money, running, tests, papers to write, needing to get all A's so I could keep my scholarships, and trying to work and still run and study.  I was scared of the unknown.  Scared that I had no clue where I would be when I was done with school.  I didn't have a clear enough plan to make me feel in control of my life.  Anxiety consumed me daily and I was often stressed and worried.  When I would get like this, my roommates and good friends knew what they needed to tell me.  "Go Run", they'd say.  And Run I would.  I'd run. And run. And Run away from it all.  Every step would wash away the worry.  Clear the air.  Help me to see clearly again.  


Now that I look back on those days, I'd like to believe that when I was the most scared or worried about life that my dad was there running with me and doing what a dad might do for his daughter if he was alive to do so.  It was as if running was my time with him.  


There is one night that I remember more clearly than most.  It must have been October of my junior year in college.  A cold night in Iowa.  It was one of those nights that I felt like life was too much.  One of those nights that my roommates nudged me out the door to run again in hopes that I'd come back to myself.  A few miles into my run and I found myself on an open road with open fields on either side of me.  The sky was dark but the moon was oh so bright and it led the way for me.  It was then that I knew that I wasn't alone.  To this day I know that my dad was running with me that night.  It was as if he was next to me and telling me all the things that I'd always wanted to hear from him but never could.  He told me that he was proud of me.  For my running.  For my hard work in school and life.  He told me that he loved me and had been there all along.  He'd been there to see me run.  To see me graduate high school with honors.  To see that I made it safely when I drove myself to college from Colorado to Iowa for the first time.  He was there all along when I thought that I was the only freshman college kid without my parents there to help me move and when I was so scared and felt so alone.  He told me that he was there and that he loved me and that I didn't need to worry.  I remember this night so clearly.  It is one of the most powerful and clear memories that I have.  And I remember how my worry rolled away that night.  With every step, every stride, my pace quickened, the moon grew bigger and brighter and I smiled through the tears.  I knew he was there and that he loved me.  


So often, I am asked about why I run.  I even ask myself this question.  Why do I run?  Why do I train?  Why do I want this so badly?  To reach my potential and push myself?  There are may reasons for this but one of the biggest reasons is because when I run, I feel connected to my dad.  I feel like in a small way, he is living on through me when I run.  I'm able to do something that he didn't get to finish for himself.  








Awhile ago I wrote a poem in memory of my dad.  I didn't share it with many people but I did send a copy to my Grandparents (my dad's parents), who were very dear to me. It will make more sense if you read the background information that I included at the beginning of this.  


The Earth His Home
The earth he cherished.
The mountains, 
     His nutrients.
The land, 
    His fuel.
Nature enriched his life,
     With it
He filled his soul.
Now he enriches the earth
Under that 
      Quivering aspen tree.


The earth fell down upon him.
      Robbing him of his breath. 
Leaving his soul to dance
      Above Mount Buffalo and 
his body to rest beneath the roots of 
      the tree that he planted for us to climb.
The small brick, painted,
       DAVID
placed at the foot of the white wood.
      That was was where my father lived.


A father I was too young to know
      But am engrained with his spirit.
His breath fills my lungs,
      His power is in my legs,
His strength in my will.


The soft steps of my feet and the 
      rhythm of my breath
      are a call to him.
Running gracefully under the open sky that is
      unusual in beauty
The road that stretches out to touch the end 
     It is a connection
He runs beside me and tells me 
    He is proud.


It is I that continues his vision--
     that holds the earth so dear.
The mountains, my inspiration
     his music fills me up.  
His dream carries me with its passion.


He lives among nature
      The sun cresting on the mountain
His soul dancing, wandering free over
      Lake Dillon.


Just as earth he so loved,
     so too, earth took him.
Now he enriches the earth 
Under that
      Quivering aspen tree.  
               
Amanda

58 comments:

  1. Just lovely, Amanda. Words are not enough…you know I get it. Your connection is clearly such a source of strength and pride and love…and is so apparent in the smile on your face in that picture :) The poem…beautiful tribute. Tears here. Love this.

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  2. Love you Amanda! Can't adequately comment because I've had 4 glasses of wine and I'm on my phone but I'll be back! Beautiful:)

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  3. Ah, amanda. You always find a way to did deep with your posts. This one really touches me.

    Since I have been blogging, my dad has read (i believe) each of my posts. He calls me after he reads them and offers to do things to help in his non-running way. He is my support.

    Your post reminds me to cherish this time I have with him, while I have it.

    My heart hurts for you because I know you wish you had your dad longer, but I can rejoice with you that you get to experience running with your dad. THAT must be awesome.

    Beautiful poem and splendid writing, again.

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  4. I'm so sorry you lost your Dad so young in life! It is wonderful that you have running to connect with him. I like to think I run for my Dad because he wasn't a runner. In fact, he couldn't run because of an injury he suffered in the Army way back in 1952. He always limped. So, I like to think I do it for him, because he never could.

    Your Dad would be very proud of you!

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  5. You have such a way with words. You're right... your dad is right there with you on your runs... and in all those tough times in your life.

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  6. That is so special! I totally believe that people who are gone are sometimes "there" when you need them the most! Its nice that running brings you closer to your dad.

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  7. Thanks for sharing this post Amanda. It is beautiful.

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  8. This is beautiful! I love the pic with your dad! So special! Your dad is a little angel on your shoulder pushing you to stay focus when the going gets hard, in running or in life!
    Oh, and I can completely relate to the stress of college and all the unknowns. I would NOT want those years back, well, maybe only my metabolism:)

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  9. So sorry you lost your dad when you were so young. What a wonderful way to remember and to honor him throughout your life.

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  10. That was beautiful. My dad died when I was 12 and I never was close to him so I can't relate, but what you've had is awesome! BTW speedy Boston Girl! Wow!!!!! Supermom, writer and Boston Marathoner!

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  11. Wow. This is the first post I read this Sunday morning and it's now going to be the last. I just don't want to ruin the spirit I felt through your writing so the other posts can wait for tomorrow. Thank you for sharing such a personal story about your father. I'm so glad you can feel him with you when you are running. Someday you will get to be with him again. Families can be together Forever.

    Adrienne

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  12. Amanda--this is SO great. You have truly connected with him and I'm sure he is smiling down on you, incredibly proud. Thanks for sharing this with us!

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  13. This is an absolutely beautiful post and tribute to your dad. Thanks so much for sharing it.

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  14. Thank you for sharing something so personal. You expressed it so beautifully. I'm so glad you've found a connection to your dad through running. What an amazing reason to run.

    P.S. I love the picture of you at Boston, standing there upright with a huge smile on your face with all those other runners laying on the ground behind you!! Struck me as funny ( :

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  15. What a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing it.

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  16. Thank you for this post Amanda. It could not have been more beautiful. Your dad is so proud of you...I just know it. For everything you've accomplished with running and in life. I love the visual of you running that Iowa night alongside of your dad.

    My dad has always been one of the most important people to me and I haven't always done the best at expressing that to him. I have felt like I let him down so much that its been hard on our relationship because I want to make him proud. We've come a long way in the past 3 years and he called this weekend to let me know he wants to run Dam to Dam with my sister and I this June. Being able to share my love or running with my dad is an unexpected gift in my life that I never dreamed about.

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  17. What a gorgeous post. Really wonderful - and So moving. Thank you for sharing

    And that photo of you at Boston - is amazing. Inspiring, gorgeous, wonderful What a face!

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  18. I love this post! I love both of the pictures!
    I did read the story, but I had to skim the parts where you speak so intimately about the death of your father. You are a fantastic writer and your poem was so touching. I lost my father 15 years ago, and I totally get doing things for him. I went back to school, getting my degree in nursing for him, because I know it was important to him. You are beautiful inside and out.

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  19. Amanda you are such a good writer! That poem is amazing. I know your dad is so proud of you! Thanks for sharing.

    Carrie

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  20. Amanda, you have brought tears to my eyes once again. Absolutely beautiful--you are a supremely, talented writer. I had no idea this happened to your dad.

    "The soft steps of my feet and the
    rhythm of my breath
    are a call to him."

    --love these lines-I have no doubt your dad is running with you every step of the way.

    Love the picture of you after Boston--such a gorgeous smile!

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  21. Your Dad would be so proud of who you are.

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  22. Wow..this post was so amazing. It actually made me tear up a little bit. Your description of your run which I have no doubt that your dad was with you, and your poem, are beautiful. Your dad would definitely be so proud of you!

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  23. First, it sounds like you were blessed with attentive roommates that knew exactly what you needed at different times during your college days.

    such a great experience that night in Iowa - amazing! a lifelong treasure for you.

    and the poem...you are very talented
    thanks for sharing!

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  24. Great post Amanda. I notice that you and Jesse are the same. It does not matter how tired you are,how bad the weather is, or if your are injured, you cannot miss a run! Now I know why you and Jesse are that way.
    Love,
    Ninew

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  25. This is an amazing post, Amanda - I lost both my parents when I was young so I know how much your running for your dad means to you!! Love your incredible writing style, how it paints an beautiful picture of exactly where your heart is!

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  26. Wow that was an amazing post, I was starting to get teary eyed as I read that. What a moving story! I am very sorry you grew up without your dad, but it's also so amazing you were able to feel connected with him through running. Thank you so much for sharing your story and beautiful poem!

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  27. thanks for sharing such special things. I LOVE that picture of your dad and I just want to shout now "Run Amanda Run!!" reach for the stars and NEVER EVER give up! Some of us were just BORN TO RUN and YOU are one of them!!!
    loves

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  28. Very powerful post. Thanks for sharing!

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  29. Ok-I'm back. You are truly a gifted gifted writer Amanda. Totally know how to draw in your reader. This is really an amazing post. I wasn't able to grasp it in it's entirety last night but reading it now....literally goosebumps.

    I love the pictures of your dad AND you! Your palms up, your facial expression....

    The poem-I can imagine your grandparents absolutely treasured that! Thankyou so much for sharing. You're so real.

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  30. What a touching post. I feel sure that your dad would absolutely be so proud of the girl you were and the woman and mother you've become.

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  31. I love the passion of your posts. You talk about deep things, and this is a very powerful post. That night on the Iowa roads sounded like a very powerful moment. Your Dad would be proud of your accomplishments, and he is always looking down on you.

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  32. I am sorry for dad but he will always be with you and he will always run shoulder to shoulder with you.
    Great pictures, dad looks very very fast, a professional runner.
    Beautiful post.

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  33. what an amazing tribute! its so awesome that you share this deep connection with your dad through running. love that picture of him. thank you for sharing.

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  34. Very nice young lady. Just a hunch... you are a great daughter, mom, and wife. I'm sure your dad would be proud of you.

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  35. Your whole entry gave me goosebumps and brought tears to my eyes. It truly sounds like your father is with you when you run. I'm sorry that you lost him when you were so young. That must have been so difficult for your family. This was a very touching post. Thank you for opening up.

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  36. Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing. This makes me cheer for you (and your dad), even more. Stay strong.

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  37. Such a heartfelt, touching, warm, beautiful post! Thank you so much for sharing.

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  38. beautiful post amanda. thanks so much for sharing - i am sure your father is so proud of you xxxooo

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  39. Lovely Amanda...this made me cry...
    He would be so proud of you. You know that.

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  40. I shouldn't have read this at work. I should've known better than to continue reading with tears in my eyes.

    This is so beautiful. I am so touched by the way you've connected with your father in a spiritual way through running. And your poem - beautiful. Was it cathardic to write that? It seems like it would be.

    I just adore you. :)

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  41. I love reading all of your posts, this one in particular. I'm sure your Dad is very proud of you, as he should be!

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  42. This post was so touching. Your poem is beautiful. Those pictures of your dad and you are amazing.

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  43. Love you so much! Amazing the connection you have with your Dad. Picture is awesome!! God always gives us what we need to hold on to, to believe, to dream. You words are a treasure. Praying that is a day you can talk, run and dream about your Dad!

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  44. Thanks for posting this. You are so insirational!!

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  45. That's a really special photo of your dad!

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  46. BEAUTIFUL. Absolutely beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

    Winks & Smiles,
    Wifey

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  47. I love how open and honest you are. Beautiful.

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  48. beautiful post!
    very glad i stumbled across your blog!
    love how you seem to capture the essence of you r thoughts!

    no doubts your father is always running with you!

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  49. This post made be bawl. Girl, this gave me the goosebumps and I love you even more. You are such an inspiration to me and I am positive that your dad is watching over you and is so proud of all of the amazing things that you are doing with your life. Seriously, that poem is so so touching.

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  50. LOVE your post. Thank you for sharing. it is great to know what motivates others and be able to take others stories along with us on our own journeys.

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  51. What a beautiful story... and so beautifully written.

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  52. What a lovely story. Gosh, I too, having lost my father know exactly what it feels like to use my running as way to feel connected to him. Running makes me feel more alive than anything and more in tune to my senses, my memories and all the similarities I share with my father. I can't wait to meet you in real life at hood to coast!

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  53. Gosh I can so relate. Running truly brings clarity.

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  54. Your blog has so much to offer to so many.
    Keep it up.

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