Not too long ago, I had a blog reader ask me why I'm so hard on myself. This was a question that still hasn't left me. It just kind of sits on my shoulder and from time to time I reflect on the answer that I would give if I knew exactly what it was. The truth is, I AM hard on myself. Probably too hard. But I suppose this is one of the things that makes me me. One of the things that keeps me climbing. Keeps me making new goals and dreaming big. It is also one of those things that keeps me from realizing the dreams and goals that have already come true. The dreams of yesterday that are here today. The ones I'm living NOW! The dreams and goals that I set for myself years ago. The present. Today.
Last night I went to bed feeling guilty for so many things.
Not being calm and patient enough with my kids.
Focusing too much on the negative behaviors instead of the positives.
A cookie party that wasn't "good enough".
A messy house.
Being on the computer too much.
Not reading enough.
Freaking out on my son for his many episodes of throwing, hitting, and causing havoc.
Very Little Grace.
I woke up after a dream (I'll explain below) with so much heartache and such a deep sense of loss and pain. Although I was so relieved that my dream wasn't reality, the intense feelings lingered in my heart and it was heavy with the hurt that would have been. I also felt such a renewed sense of hope and opportunities for fresh starts! My heart, sore from my dream, was also full of gratitude and love. For myself and my family. I woke up prepared to be present and enveloped in the dreams of TODAY and not getting so wrapped up in the dreams for tomorrow.
After sharing my dream with my husband and asking him to just hug me for a bit, I crawled into bed with my oldest daughter and I held her. I smelled her hair and listened to her breath....felt her warmth. I looked into her sleeping face and remembered her as a baby. And I realized that it had been so long since I'd really stopped to do that with her. Life has become so crazy that I often find myself just doing a lot of "directing" with her. "Do your homework! Read. Be a good friend. What do you say when someone gives you something? Calm down. Don't forget to get your socks on for soccer." When was the last time that I just stopped to hold her, my sweet baby girl that is growing into a young lady? I. Can't. Remember.
The rest of the morning was rushed and crazy but I was present. And the computer stayed off, the e-mails waited, and I was fully connected to my children and the start of the day. And all was great.
Then my son threw a bowl of Grape Nuts all over the walls, floor and his sister and hell broke loose again. I cried. And cried. And cried. Must have been the dream...usually, I don't just start crying like a baby.
After I dropped my daughter off, I had about 10 minutes to journal about my dream. I've had many of you tell me that your favorite posts of mine are the ones when I share my journal writing, my goals, and my gratitude. The personal stuff. I don't mind sharing either. What I don't want to happen is for me to start changing how I write in my journal because I'm thinking about "sharing" it. I want to make sure I continue to use my journal for ME and write without inhibition. Free. For ME. And if it so happens that it is share worthy, then so be it. This is important to me. To not lose myself for the sake of sharing myself with others.
This morning's journal:
Woke up from an awful and painful dream. Death. Loss. Love. What really matters...life. The last part was of me holding on to Elliana, my first born, my baby. She was falling asleep but (dying). I knew this was my last moment with her. The PAIN. So incredibly painful...I remember screaming out that it was breaking me. Breaking my heart. So literally "breaking me",
a feeling of Pain
Heartbreak Heart BREAK.
The most painful grief or feeling of my life.
I just held onto her so tightly and took in every. Single. thing about her.
As if I was STARVING and grabbing for a last crumb or drinking up the last drop of water after being without for so long.
Letting go was so seemingly
IMPOSSIBLE to do without feeling
I would die too. I suppose a piece of me would die forever.
When I opened my eyes and realized it was a dream, my life seemed different than it did yesterday. I knew how blessed I have been. I was/am hyper aware of the love that surrounds me and how easy it is to get caught up in the rush of life, the every day grind,
setting new goals,
moving on to the next big thing,
sometimes forgetting to just
STOP and LOOK at the Now.
Hold tight. Soak up the dreams we are living TODAY.
If I look back, I realize that the goals and dreams I had for myself years ago are NOW.
Wife to my best friend
NOW. Happy. Now. Content. Today.
Living the Dreams of TODAY.
Now I have this moment of quiet time to sit and reflect and BE with myself and I'm so grateful for the day. I'm sure I'll always be seeking Balance, setting goals, and dreaming big...that's okay. Great even. But I'm thankful for wake-up calls like today that remind me that my goals and dreams of yesterday have already come true and I should be enjoying them.