My. Head. Is. So. FULL!
I mean scattered full.
I have a million different thoughts
Deadlines, no matter how simple of a task, all due this week.
They've been piled on my counter
staring at me every morning.
The list getting
And I'm feeling more and more spread thin.
And more like eating my kids for dinner.
My hat goes off to women that have a full-time job in addition to all the home stuff, kids stuff, and other stuff going on. I suppose I wouldn't have this other stuff if I was working but there would always be STUFF!
It is one of those weeks or several weeks that I'm feeling like I'm doing a lot of things just "okay" and nothing really
I know this isn't true and it is that part of my brain that comes out and wants to tell me that I'm not enough and that I need to be better. That I'm falling behind and need to step up my game.
I'm working on this people! I know, I know....seriously I don't need to hear it from one more person that I'm too hard on myself. Please don't. If anyone knows how hard I am on myself, it's me. Trust me, I know. I go to bed with a long list running through my head every night of ways I feel like I'm falling in the cracks.
And the more my plates start spinning, The HARDER I am on myself.
This morning I woke up with so much stuff in my head.
To-Do Lists (we hall have them),
Hurdles that I've already set up for myself to jump.
Stuff that is keeping me from being that
I'm missing that part of me that just says whatever is really going on in my head and my life and lays it out there. Raw. That piece of me seems to be so darn guarded the past few weeks. Not sure why I've all of a sudden decided to use my "filter" since I've come this far in life without it. Not sure when I forgot that this is a blog where I share my REAL self and let people take me as I am. Not sure why I haven't told you MOTHERS (the hood part of Runninghood) out there all about my crazy raging two-year old boy stories that make ME a CRAZY raging almost 33 year old, or the funny things that my kids say and do, the mini-me of a daughter that I have that is like looking in a mirror with the things she says, does, and how she looks, or the ALREADY pressure I feel in trying to keep up with the homework coming home and making sure I do the things that will help my kids stay on top of the crazy rat race of a game here in SUBURBIA. I'm not quite sure why I've been so darn
Harder on myself
I'm looking at the clock: 7:15. I still have to make lunches, get my kids up and dressed and out the door by 7:55. And here I am writing a blog. But I feel like it is something I need to write this morning. A public processing.
A "putting it out there" blog to tell myself that I'm going to:
- Have GRACE with myself. I'm going to end the day telling myself one or two things that I did GREAT at. And I'm going to love myself for that.
- Stop feeling so darn guilty for the things that I'm NOT getting to. It's okay. My kids won't grow up emotionally damaged because I didn't sit down with them and look in their eyes and tell them that I love them. They won't grow up to be losers because I didn't read to them for one day or teach them something new. THEY WILL BE FINE and they WILL LOVE me anyway. In fact, they will be better off without a mom that feels guilty...kids pick up on this stuff and it is NO good.
- Get back to that filter-lacking, say it like it is and not care so much about what others think Amanda! I miss this Amanda. Greatly. That is part of what makes Runninghood REAL.
- Share more of the SHIT in my life...the crazy, shitty, hair pulling, screaming parts of motherhood that we all have and that MIGHT, just might make you feel better about yours.
- NOT wear my Zensah compression tights on backwards when I go run my 8 miles at the gym today. Yup, they are on the right way this time and they feel SO GOOD after doing Jillian Michaels and a double jogger hill run yesterday.
- Get to what I can get to today and try to get finished with one or two things off my list instead of looking at the WHOLE picture. If I can just tie up one writing project and then move on to the next then maybe, just maybe I'll have more clarity with the rest of the little things floating around on my mental and physical to-do lists.
- Go wake up my daughter and get this ball rolling. I already feel better!
Random Questions that I really want to know YOUR answer to:
1. Tell me 1-3 women that inspire you.
2. What is a crazy motherhood moment you had recently? Yesterday I let my 2 year old son skip a nap. Bad news. He wanted something for a snack and I was only offering him vegetables so he ripped the salad dressing from the the fridge door and smashed it on the ground. Fun times. And no, I didn't react the way all those perfect parenting books tell you that you should. I did, however, react. I may have a bald spot on the side of my head.
3. What marathon training plan do you use if you are a marathon runner? I'm thinking more and more of just letting my husband write my plan from the Jack Daniel's book. He would also incorporate aspects from other plans. I might also follow the plan in the Run Faster book by Hudson and Fitzgerald.