Friday, May 20, 2011

A Touchy Subject

My recent post about the little boy who shared with my daughter that he had "EGGzema (eczema) on his privates" was all in fun.  Several of you jokingly responded back that boys will always find a way to talk about their not so private private.  This made me laugh.  I think many grown men are the same way.  Most of the people I know are pretty open to talk about sexuality, body parts, etc. However, this post did bring up some interesting e-mails and comments.  


I truly believe that one of the MOST important gifts I can give my children is to help them to be comfortable with their own sexuality and self-image.  I believe that part of this is to NEVER make a child feel SHAME about their curiosity and self-exploration.  


This really is a "touchy" subject but it is a subject that I feel strongly enough about to be willing to bring it out of the "social closet" and share my feelings on.  Of course these are only my opinions and we are all entitled to have an opinion but here are some of the things I believe about the topic:

  • Part of being human is to be curious about our bodies.  This is okay.  Not shameful.  
  • From my experience with child development, it is perfectly normal for a child to want to explore their own body.  
  • I want my children to feel confident and comfortable about their own body and body image.  
  • I want my children to feel safe sharing things with me.
  • When it comes to "privates" I am very open about using the correct terms for the parts: penis and vagina.  No reason for me to be embarrassed about this or have them treat these words as "unspoken" words.  
  • If my children choose to touch themselves or explore, I simply tell them that this is private and should be done by themselves.  I certainly DO NOT want to make them feel as if this is shameful, sinful, or Wrong.  I know I might get some hate mail from this one but like I said, I feel strongly enough about it to put it out there.  
  • I want my kids to grow up with feeling open and safe with their sexuality and their sexual identity.  In an appropriate and respectful way.  To themselves and others.  
  • I also want my children to understand boundaries.  Their own and others.  I want them to grow up to be respectful and sensitive to those around them...on many levels.  
  • I want to see my children grow up to have faith in what they believe in, faith in themselves and confidence in who they are.  I want them to love themselves fully and feel confident safe expressing their feelings, opinions, and questions of all kinds.  I want them to be aware of their own feelings and to be open with who they are and who others are.  A big part of this is helping them to be confident in loving their own bodies and not feeling shame or embarrassment about things that some have labeled "sinful" or "shameful" because of the uncomfortable feelings that they associate with it.  
I by not means claim to be a child development expert and I understand that my views on this subject are not held by everyone else. In fact, there are probably many that will disagree with me. This is okay.  We all have to raise our children the way we best see fit.  We have a big responsibility as parents to help our children grow into the people they will become.  


Amanda
p.s. I'm likely to lose votes on this one but if you like my blog, please keep voting for me!  There are lots of other blogs worth voting for on the list too and you can vote for as many as you want.  

30 comments:

  1. As one mother to another...I fully agree with all the above :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Very well-put, Amanda. This topic of child sexuality is so loaded for so many people. I have so much to say and so many feelings on this topic, but you have said so much with such clarity and kindness that I won't hijack! You are a marvelous mother :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I studied human sexuality for a brief stint and formed many opinions about sex from it. I agree fully with what you are saying. Sex is not a bad thing and I don't understand why the world wants to treat it that way. I believe that a big part of why there are such young mothers out there is because sex is bad and therefore we should do it. Also, having a healthy appreciation for your own sexuality will lead you to make better choices in future sex partners. That's just my two cents. Bravo on raising your kids so well!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Haters gonna hate, but I think you are 100% spot on. Kudos to you!

    ReplyDelete
  5. One of my biggest things I want to convey and I think I'm prb going to get hit for this, is that sex is a sacred gift from God for those who are married. It's normal for us to be attracted to each other but it's meant for each to share and not meant to be a selfish act. Now obv we are talking about children! LOL.. You are a great mom with tons of wisdom, they are blessed to have you!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I totally agree!! My 3 year-old niece 'touched' herself occasionally for awhile and my brother and sister-in-law never disciplined her but told her if she was going to do that, she must be by herself in her bedroom. They never shamed or laughed at her. I was impressed with their approach!

    Thanks for the advice! I'll use it when I (finally) have my own little one!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Lose? Ha! Maybe you'll GAIN votes!

    ReplyDelete
  8. LOVE this! My Dad is a surgeon and he was huge on educating us on sexuality as a child. He always made me feel like I could talk to him-he took me to get my first bra and helped me get on birth control pills as a young adult.
    I know some people might think that's not the role of a Dad, but for him it was. And I love him for helping me grow into a confident young woman!
    You're an awesome Mom!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I wish I could form an intelligent thought right now, but two days alone with my kiddos and a full day if rain today has killed my brain cells. So, all I'm going to say is I agree with you and I agree with Mancuso regarding sex being a gift from God and for us to share in marriage. Props for again being a courageous mom and blogger.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm totally with you. Totally. I follow the same philosophy. We ar very open around here. My parents were the same with me and I think I was a better and more open person for it.

    And I continue to vote for you!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm with you on this. It's funny too, b/c my daughter, who is younger, has SO many more questions than her big brother. Pretty sure she's going to know more than him pretty soon. He's just not big on talking about it all and I can only encourage him so much!

    Good for you for putting it out there.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I agree! We call my son’s penis a... penis. I mean, that’s what it’s called!! I don’t understand why it would be a “bad” word?! He is a person and even if he’s a toddler he needs to learn about his body parts and how to respect them.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Wow, I can't imagine people disagreeing with you on this; frankly if they do, they probably won't want to read your blog anyways bc they would be offended by other posts, too. My son went through a phase at age 3 when he would frequently have his hand around his penis. That passed. I often see little boys rubbing themselves on balls, desks, etc. It feels good and kids do have their own sexuality.

    ReplyDelete
  14. From my religious upbringing, I was made to feel shameful about the subject of sex. The very word was very taboo and I was never given the "talk" or allowed to see any R rated movies. I still have that part of me that is embarrassed about it and have a hard time with my 2 year old. But my husband tells me time and time again, there is nothing wrong with it. I know there isn't, but something's that has been pounded in your head all your life, tends to stick.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I STILL use that "eczema" line.

    ReplyDelete
  16. as a "retired" adolescent health nurse I am right there with you. No need to be made to feel shame or weird. We are very open at our house. Of course there are times when some of the questions and conversation can me a bit much for my 4 year old, we try to be very open and honest. Great post today.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I completely agree. The social taboo that still surrounds this topic is old, out-dated, and ridiculous.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'm totally with you on this subject. Be open and honest and call a spade a spade (or a vagina a vagina)

    When my oldest was 6 I was pregnant with my youngest and his natural curiosity led him to ask how the baby got there. I decided this was a perfect opportunity to broach sex with him. I was open and honest and used the correct terms and Sam listened intently and at the end I asked if he had any questions. All he said was "Um-ah. I'm telling Dad that you said Penis eight times" In hindsight I think he was a little young.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Ha, ha, ha - I am cracking up at Char's comment above!!
    What a timely post this was, as my fifth grader watched the Family Life movie today at school and came home terrified. We've always talked about sex and puberty and all that, but the movie brought up all sorts of questions he didn't even know he had. I was so incredibly happy that he wanted to talk about it with me!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I'm cracking up at Char's comment too. When my daughter was even younger she asked some questions after seeing boy parts while we were changing her little brother's diaper. She was a little young, so I told her that those parts were kind of like belly buttons. Boys have outies and girls have innies. That got us by until she was old enough for the proper names. (Insert funny proper names here :-)).

    I probably should have used the proper names but my daughter would have been the professor explaining them to all of her friends.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Fantastic! Especially the part about this is the way YOU raise YOUR kids and other people may raise their kids different - but who should pass judgement on you? No one! You are not hurting your children, or anyone else! FANTASTIC! Beautiful approach to our bodies!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Thanks for your honesty!! I AGREE!!

    ReplyDelete
  23. You'd never lose my vote with a philosophy like that!

    ReplyDelete
  24. I am 100% in agreement with everything you said. I was raised extremely conservatively regarding anything sexual, and I did not ever feel comfortable discussing anything sex-related with my parents. (Not to discredit them- the did what they thought was best and what they were comfortable with.) I want my children to feel comfortable talking to me about these things because I would MUCH RATHER them ask me questions than their equally curious and most likely un-informed peers.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I agree with you. We don't give body part nicknames and we're open as much as possible at their age (age appropriateness) Number 1 goal is to teach them respect for their bodies and the bodies of others. Although..I do often have to tell my daughter to stop scratching herself in public. Haha. :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. You're such a great mommy and your kids are going to feel comfortable reaching out to you for advice rather than someone else.

    I voted for you! You're doing great!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Amanda, you are not alone in the way you choose to parent, and I applaud you for being so open and honest. I keep telling myself that my parenting may go against the grain, but conformity was never my thing anyway. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  28. I have 2 boys and I 100% agree with you!!

    ReplyDelete
  29. That is such a great approach//attitude! Growing up might have been a bit easier if my parents had taken the same approach!!

    ReplyDelete